The Gold Queen · @thegoldqueen
17th Sep 2020 from TwitLonger
TW suicide, PTSD, medical, alcohol
https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/alyzande-renard-2?utm_term=vZ56B7emA
In July 2020, I attempted suicide. Twice. It wasn't the first time this year.
I'm alive. Hi. And I've not been suicidal since. Mostly because of herculean effort of love and support from friends, partner, and my disability support worker.
Maybe I should start from the beginning. Last year, I took a 12 month break from Warcraft gold making, blogging, teaching, so I could pursue a post-grad degree in computing with a dissertation in artificial intelligence. I actually had a vague hope of using these new skills to put forward a ground breaking new proposal for a new Warcraft economy and auction and trade system! But what actually broke was me. I was pushing myself too far too fast. I had to pause the degree after a suicide attempt in July 2019.
I hid in a period of drinking, and Netflix and autistic regression. Losing skills like speaking or washing, losing interest. Then Warcraft classic came out and with it my hope of being valued again.
So I joined a guild. Then a raiding guild. Which was server first. And it wasn't enough. So I made another max level character on another realm and secretly raided in the server first guilds on two Warcraft Classic realms. Goodness knows why.
I broke at Christmas. One or two of you will remember my suicide attempt on Christmas Day 2019.
The problem is I'm autistic and secretly ashamed of it and keep trying to be normal, then failing and hating myself for it.
When I become overwhelmed, as an autistic person, I have a shutdown, a meltdown or a longer term burnout regression. These look a little like severe depression, disassociation or psycho temper tantrum. I get a mix.
As a person with PTSD, when I experience fear or anxiety or a meltdown my fight/flight reflex is tuned to max. If I can't fight, I go for max flight. Max checking out of life. Suicide.
Put these together in me and it's not good.
That's why I'm trying to fundraise just enough for one therapy session a week for the next year.
I want to use this therapy to get the f-k over being gang raped and child abused etc etc etc, and learn tools to help me control that extreme PTSD flight reflex. I want the nightmares and flashbacks to stop.
Look, can you help me?
https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/alyzande-renard-2?utm_term=vZ56B7emA