My Mental Health, and my Future. LFT Tweet Later, DMs OPEN
So this is a twitlonger about my mental health, my situation at present and also a bit about my past. This isn’t my LFT tweet. TLDR at the bottom for lazy people who don’t care.
I have been struggling with mental health for most of my life. My parents have chronic issues as do my grandparents.
Until now I have ignored the signs, not looking after myself, inconsistent emotions.
Deep down I love my teammates, they are like a family to me and some would say I’m very invested in them for a professional environment. Maybe that is true, but caring about the people I spend time with gives me motivation and gives me a reason to work my ass off as it will benefit my friends too.
Now let’s skip forward to this past weekend, Audacity organised a media day for us in London and it was the best weekend I can remember. Spending time with my team meant so much to me.
The most difficult thing for me is seeing my team laughing and joking with me when deep down now knowing they don’t like me, and was going to drop me as soon as we got home. It makes the whole situation so sour, and I’m in a rut. To think that the final fist bump I gave them, whilst I was filled with happiness and excitement to see them again in just over a week, they knew after I walked into that tube station smiling and waving back at them - it would be the last time they saw me in an Audacity jersey. It hurts so much. That special moment for me is now something I can’t cherish.
In the past 2 weeks things improved a lot, we picked up a mental coach (to be announced) a month or so ago and he’s been doing wonders helping me listen to my teammates before I speak and helping my teammates with some behavioural issues which was affecting our abilities to give feedback. After the mini media boot camp I felt like a new person, great mentality, ready to conquer the CL quals and see my whole team for a boot camp in 9 days time.
4 hours later 2 of my teammates blocked me on twitter after quite literally the most productive and happy we have come off the back of a game in forever. The twofaced nature of this past week has been disturbing, I read the situation completely wrong. Here are some screenshots to show just how much of an effort I was putting into being closer with them. I deal with anxiety in this area because of my sexuality, telling a teammate “I wanna be better friends” is hard as a gay guy but essential as a teammate.
Now I’m LFT, battle hardened as ever, looking for a reason to smile - and a team to share it with.
LFT tweet to come soon, TLDR Ex-cowana And Audacity, looking for strategic coaching positions or to play in CL, DMs are open. Considering promising rosters however (CL closed quals - depending on the nats and incentives).