reminder/confession

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Hey everyone.

I'm doing this as part atonement, part a warning for some younger gamers out there.

Back in 2009 I had used wallhacks in tf2.

It was a simple texture wallhack + VAC bypass that I used on an alt account.

I used it in several scrims, and pub games. but never in a match.

I feel disgusted by it over 10 years later. I'm thankful that the tf2 community gave me another opportunity. I'm thankful that people had forgiven me. However, i've still never forgiven myself. So I wanted to remind everyone again about my past.

I'm not as good a person as i might seem.

I cheated in a game I love, and still love. Even worse, I tried to use my friend EvoReborn to scapegoat me. (he's since forgiven me, and we've talked it out a few times over some drinks).

I just want everyone to know, I'm still sorry about it.

I still think it was a fucking awful thing to do.

and more importantly.

I still thank every single person who gave me another chance.

Why might someone cheat?
For myself, It was simple. I wanted some sort of power, some sort of control. I was fresh out of highschool and madly in love with my highschool sweetheart. She cheated on me, with a friend of mine. More than once. I was lied to, and manipulated. Being a young person in a very fragile state, I craved power after this horrible thing. I decided that i could get that power by cheating in the game I loved the most.

I was caught by Bairmaster (thank you bair for bringing me to light as fast as you did. I was in a dark place, and your investigation and callout forced me to change.)

To the tf2 community. I'm still sorry. I think about this every time I login, every time I play well in a game. I feel it's not deserved. Every friendship formed, every team played on. It weighs on me with a massive guilt.

Over a decade later i'm still not free from the pain I unleashed on myself.

I'm writing this, as a reminder to myself to NEVER EVER do that again. And to once again ask for forgiveness from my friends, teammates, and the tf2 community.

I know you may have all moved on, and I know many have forgiven me. But I haven't.

To those who think cheating might be appealing.

Don't do it.

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