7 Minutes Dead · @7MinutesDead
20th Jul 2020 from TwitLonger
It's a lot of words.
I don't know how much longer I'll live like this. I might last a year or 5 years or until I have no one left and no future. There is no hope for me because there is no one willing to stick around for me, and those that are just aren't available and it's not their fault, and even then they'd only stick around for so long, even my strongest bond of my entire life proved that. Doesn't matter if it's even the deepest bond anyone could ever hope to achieve, doesn't matter if you call each other soulmate and truly believe it and want to actually do nothing but just spend your life together and be there for each other and help each other grow and build a life.
Once your depression goes on too long, they won't think of you as the same person anymore and they'll abandon you just like everyone else because everyone else will be telling them to leave you and focus on themselves, because these other people don't know anything about who you are to each other or the bond you had. They just see it as a regular ol normal ass relationship with false grandiose delusions of immature love, parroting baseless platitudes like "they love the image of you rather than the real you" because that is exactly what they have experienced in their lives, and will then say wow it's not worth it, it wasn't real honey, it's no different than my own shitty relationships! I don't know anything about you two, but it's exactly like what I've been through!! Dump his ass and focus on yourself queen! Spamming positive emotes and virtue signaling in their DMs and all over their public posts in other ways because dealing with someone who is suffering is not even remotely worth it to anyone in 2020, maybe ever I don't know. At least not here in the US or Europe. I don't know about different cultures and how they perceive all of these things. It may be better or worse, I really have no experience or knowledge there.
And since I can't afford real healthcare that I need, like seeing a real psychologist 3-5 times a week, in person, I can't get myself out of the hole that no one else is willing to stay in for more than a few months with me to help me slowly climb out and get better, partners or not. I can't get out of this house and this environment that is making everything worse because I can't even bring myself to do the simplest things to help myself because it all makes me feel like I need to find a pistol and put it in my mouth and make sure I don't fuck it up. I need to make sure I don't maim myself, or put myself into a coma, or trap myself with hundreds of thousands in medical debt for people "saving" my life because this is the US of A. This is why I'm trapped forever and it'll just come down to how long I can survive stuck here before I do something like that, although that's pretty brutal imagery and I'm sorry for that, but it is what comes into my head every single day these days when I'm in bed and I can't stop it. When I leave, no one will know about it until after it's done, and it'll most likely be with inert gas and a bag since that seems to be the safest, quietest, and most painless way to go without risking the lives of anyone else, because I am the only one here who deserves death, not others. But that's not why I'm writing all of this. I'm still here. Do not call the fucking cops. Of all people, they are the LAST people I will ever want to interact with, especially with what's been going on with me, and especially when I'm getting close to killing myself and the mindset that I'm in when I feel that way. God to not call the stupid fucking cops please don't be that idiot. If I'm going to be dead, it's going to be carefully planned and you're not going to stop me.
Everyone who was closest to me will think I was weak or wasted potential and then move on to hanging out with their supportive friends and everyone's egos and better health and environments than I have, easily falling in love over and over again with new people for the rest of their lives, and they'll all blame me for being this way because that's what everyone does. When I get sad, I just do things I like and I try my hardest then I get better. He's just not trying hard enough! I don't understand why he doesn't try harder! People will tell them it's not their fault, there's nothing they could have done, more platitudes and generalizations like "you can't help a person who doesn't want to help themselves", but nobody actually helped me. Emsi helped me the most for the longest, and it took someone I adored knowing me for over 7 years and eventually wanting to spend their whole life with me to even consider helping me that much, and even she eventually burned out, so that proves that there is 100% NO escape from this. I helped her for over 7 years, she burned out after 1. I am too much for anyone. I don't blame her, and I can handle a lot from anyone that I adore, that is a unique trait to me, but I'm just saying the odds are not even close to being in my favor. Men don't receive the same amount of empathy that they can give and I think it's always been like this to varying degrees, but that doesn't really mean much without looking at each and every relationship and situation anyway. It's not like there's scientific studies to prove this, but if you're a man past the age of 30 I guarantee you feel it or have felt it many times before you found someone to break the mold, if ever. Most of us will die alone. If you're lucky you'll probably have children to care and love for and be there for you for your life. I will not.
Everyone else will write me off as a failure and wasted potential no different than a hopeless drug addict because that's what we do so we don't have to feel any blame or hurt. Even my own family will do that, emsi already did that (or at least it certainly seems that way at this point, but I may be entirely wrong, literally nobody talks to me anymore), our mutual friends all did that and I lost all of them, my literal best friend from Texas said that to my face when he finally burned out after a couple of months of not understanding why I'm struggling to just do things that would help me after a year telling me this shit "isn't cute" as if I want to kill myself for attention because it's just so adorable right guys wow this sure is helping me. My best friend from high school has expressed much of the same sort of anger and hate and frustration before he had gone to therapy later for his own form of depression, and still to this day he doesn't understand it so he has mostly just stopped talking to me. Everyone I've interacted with at monstercat will likely do that or have already written me off as another unstable loser and if that's how everyone sees me, if I am the only one with the problem and inability to keep going, then clearly I am the one who is at fault and everyone really would be better off if I was no longer here, because that's a much better result than having to be sad or frustrated or angry or filled with anxiety that I'm existing as a waste and doing nothing with my life until we're all old and nobody remembers anything anymore, and I'll truly be completely alone by then because I won't even have this bare bones small following social media to connect with my fans and strangers that have stuck around for this long because they still believe in the real me hidden somewhere inside all this miserable shit, so why would I sit and wait for that to happen? This has been going on for over 10 years with me, if not longer. Is it not enough?? Wouldn't it be better if I just end all of this and then people can be at peace thinking there is nothing that can be done for someone like me and that it's just inevitable, and just focus on yourself and your own life and keep going? Just write me off as a necessary tragedy, make some posts about how sad you feel, then move onto the next event in your feed? I need to leave this place soon because there is nothing but pain and misery and abandonment to look forward to, over and over and over like it always has been for me for years and years. What if the next life is so much better than this and all I'm doing by sticking around stuck in this environment and situation and body is wasting my own time? What if this really is a simulation and I'm literally prolonging my own torture for no reason?
Well in this world and country and life that I was born into, if I was rich I could get the help I need, then I could get a job once I was healthy, then I'm self sustaining, and then I can be the person that everyone fell in love with in the first place, that everyone looked up to and believed in and had fun with; Normal me that laughs a lot and makes cool songs and gets shit done and helps others every chance he gets. If I could get the help I really need I'd already have this whole album finished and more and be making self-supporting income and even if it's just above minimum wage, it would still be enough. If I could get help and be healthy again, emsi would still believe in me and I'd be continuing to build that life in Sweden no matter what it took, no matter how many languages I needed to learn and hoops I needed to jump through or jobs I needed to work in a foreign country to make it happen because she was absolutely worth it to me, to build my entire life with. But this isn't how things worked out.
You need money to do pretty much anything substantial, and if you come from a poor family then your odds of succeeding are vastly diminished because you can't fund anything you need to fund to get started, and that includes major mental health problems and healing from lifelong and childhood traumas. At the very least, at least I actually know now that I have PTSD and it's from people abandoning me or knowing they would leave suddenly at a moments notice. This was the diagnosis given to me by three different professionals so at LEAST I have that fucking useless knowledge to keep and give a label to my helplessness and misery.
if I was a lot younger, there would be a lot more sympathy. But I didn't know what was wrong with me back then so I told no one I was hurting and hid it very well. No one wants to watch a kid or teenager suffer, but a 32 year old sad guy? Man the fuck up and drink more water you idiot, exercise and quit being sad. Do you know how many times the closest person told me to exercise more to get over this every time I broke down and lashed out and felt more pain than I've ever felt in my fucking life? I exercised every single day for months after all that went down and I said horrible things and ruined everything, and guess what? I get worse and worse no matter how much I exercise and drain myself and no matter how much my body improves. So what's going on guys? Why isn't this working? If something that works for them doesn't work for me, then they assume I'm just not trying hard enough and that I'm weak and pathetic. They don't trust me, they don't believe me, they choose to project their experiences with others onto me instead and cast judgment from that false frame of reference, instead of just asking me themselves. Why does nobody just talk to me? Never mind the fact that I feel like someone died every time something remotely negative happens and I am made miserable for over a week, every time. I can't control how this is all destroying me. My brain is permanently altered by all this fucking untreated trauma festering and turning regular sad events into even more traumatic experiences that I have fucking nightmares about.
None of these people would just talk to me anymore.
If I was a pretty girl there would be 10,000 guys and parents and friends and loved ones all offering me a place to stay and heal and get better. People would be throwing money at me if I was the same exact person, just a very beautiful girl expressing my personality online and reaching out for help. Nobody wants to ever watch a beautiful and talented girl suffer and waste their potential in depression. I'm not saying they don't suffer because so many beautiful people do suffer and do NOT get any help, some of my closest girl friends that are absolutely beautiful go through horrible shit on a daily basis but don't acknowledge it, but their access to support is about 100000000x greater than mine for who I am if they'd just reach out for it and accept it.
There is no help for someone like me in my situation. I cannot be loved for my imperfections and lack of health, I am undesirable to both those that don't know me and those that do, I am unable to love myself or do things solely for my own benefit, I am a man so I'm expected to be strong and independent and able to support myself and anyone and anything and if I get remotely sad I need to hide it completely or else risk losing everyone I care about, and a real partner with a real and true bond is about the only person who would be willing to go to those lengths to help me and support me since I can't support myself mentally, but no one is willing to fall for someone like me while I'm like this, so it's a feedback loop. Emsi truly did try her best for over a year of intense commitment to dealing with me every day for 16+ hours a day, and so much of that time was so great and filled with so much happiness and love, but I was still miserable internally because I am broken and it showed many times with my cynicism and depression and dead face when I was on SSRIs, so all of it just delayed the inevitable. She ultimately decided I'm not worth it just as everyone else has done, or likely others around her did. People told her, as they often tell everyone else, to save herself so that's what she did, because everyone else knows nothing except parroting things they read online and projecting their own failures and experiences and social media dramas onto whoever they're talking to. They don't know any better, and once that trust is broken, your partner won't know any better either. "Goodbye, good luck I hope you can save yourself even though we both know you can't. I'm gonna go be happy over here where I don't have to look at you anymore." That's what it feels like and how it has played out. Not necessarily emsi, but everyone who has given up on me. Friends, family, past relationships, everyone has done this to me. It always ends the same way, because I am the problem.
None of those people telling anyone else to let me go and cut me out of their lives know a single thing about me other than information that boils down to headlines and indirect rumors. NOBODY who was close to me actually asked me themselves what the hell is going on from my side. Not a SINGLE person asked for my side after, or why I did or said certain things. They only said they hope I get better or just ghosted me completely. And their advice to others directly adds to ruining my life and me losing more and more people, because whoever you choose to trust is who you will believe and act on, regardless if they're even know anything about what or who they're giving advice on or not.
So the only option for me is to not get close to anyone, so I cannot be abandoned by anyone. I truly cannot trust anyone because people will tell you one thing in support, and then decide oops it's too much and go back on everything they say. People will say they love you one day and ghost you the next because everyone runs away from the smallest amount of struggle. Do you know how many fucking times that has happened to me as a kid, as a teen, as an adult? But unfortunately I'm not mentally well enough to handle being completely alone with no support, so I really really really feel I need to plan all this out carefully and kill myself, or just let everyone know everything I think with a post like this and just hope that eventually something will change or someone will come along to help because I clearly can't help myself.
The Patreon wasn't nearly enough, my reach is not big enough to exceed more than $450 a month with it once most big helpers backed out, and the therapy I was receiving for that amount was making me feel worse and worse but I didn't want to disappoint anyone so I did my best to write about how it could be positive. $90 for 50 minutes, once a week, that's it. And it didn't get into any real details. I mean how could it? There's so much to work through with me and you get 50 minutes once a week, where half of that is spent recapping what was forgotten between seeing other patients. If you don't have enough time to get into the details, then you resort to quick and experimental exercises. It didn't help me work through anything or anyone, it just gave me exercises that I've since found in books I can read, many of which have no scientific basis for helping. It didn't even help me work through everything I fucked up the past year. And I don't want to accept money from people when the therapy wasn't helping at all so I shut down the Patreon. Everyone only donated to help me pay for therapy, and it wasn't helping after trying it for this long. Maybe I can't do it from this environment, I don't know. I had to do therapy sessions with people in this house screaming in the background because no provider is seeing people in person with covid19 still ramping up. I had to cut short several sessions because of lack of privacy and distractions.
One day a week, 50 minutes, on a webcam with poor connection, for therapy that doesn't do much of anything, for $360 a month. This is what I get for being completely broke and having no job because of my depression because I can't hold a job without eventually giving up and not wanting to even call in or go to work. I'd rather let myself go homeless and die in the streets or in a ditch somewhere once I fully give up than just go into work at a regular job where everything will be fine in the end because I have no one to support, nothing to look forward to, no reason to do anything for myself. I can't even finish these songs because of what was said to me from the person I was motivated to write them for. I scrapped all of them. There's no way I'm going to be able to release an EP this year. Something is wrong with me, nobody trusts me anymore, and nobody can help. Everyone that is close to me just makes it worse because they always, always give up and get angry at me for being uncontrollably sad, and then leave because I'm not worth it. There is no one close to me in my life right now. This is the honest truth. I spend my entire days alone and no one I loved checks on me anymore aside from one worried very loving person that can't help me. My own family doesn't even reply, nor do they understand. And my mom and her partner that are offering what little support they can to keep me from being homeless and hungry are unfortunately part of the problem of me getting worse and worse.
I said really childish toxic things when I was feeling betrayed and abandoned and being left alone for others, but it's not their fault they have friends and love and support and I have none. Emsi can show people the emails I sent her after she blocked me if she really wants and really alienate me from everyone. I thought Protostar was subtweeting about me and rubbing it all in my face that she left me and was spending all her time with him at that time even if they aren't together, at least that's what I had convinced myself of in my absolute misery and abandonment issues and that's what others were telling me and feeding my delusions. But of course I of all people should know others are almost always wrong and if you want to know, you go to the source yourself. I didn't actually mean any of the bullshit I said, I thought I was being abandoned and ridiculed and hurt and attacked and so I attacked in whatever pathetic way I thought I could, and shortly after I took it all back and apologized and talked with more people, and of course Protostar was not subtweeting about me. He's not like that, you guys know he's a good person. He was only ever trying to be there for me in DMs in any way he could even though we weren't close, and when I came clean to him about the stupid shit I said he tore me to shit and said everything I wrote then was just an excuse, when I was just trying to tell the truth.
I don't lie, ever. I have no reason to lie about anything. Not to you, not to him, not to anyone. I have nothing to lose nor do I care about losing the nothing I have. I literally have no one in my fucking life, I'm unemployed and my music is dead, what is there to lose from telling the truth!?
I sent money to emsi several times because I felt so shitty and wanted to help her for so long when we were together, but she took it the wrong way because I was sending money after she had left me and blocked me. I sent her my BMI payments that weren't more than $200 for one quarter, I sent her $250 of my $1200 stimulus deposit that many people in the US received earlier this year. I received that, royalties, patreon payment. I felt I could help her safely and still be okay myself and easily commit to the therapy which I did easily with your support.
She and/or her friends thought I was using my new Patreon funds to give her money to "try to win her back" instead of paying for therapy. Never mind how pathetic and disgusting that sounds, who the fuck are you gonna win back with groceries and pet food? Who thinks like this? WHY?? Because people like that only know how to think selfishly, because that's what they would do. Why would anyone help someone and not expect anything in return? "I don't know anything about what's going on, so I'm going to assume the absolute worst!" I sent her $150-250 here and there once a month or so for a few months on and off when I was feeling miserable. When my drunk mom asked me for money to gamble with as she had done in the past and is part of my fucking traumas, I sent it to emsi instead so that I wouldn't have it. When I got an unexpected BMI royalty and I felt like I couldn't use it for anything, I sent it to emsi. When I had extra money for the first time in my life because of the stimulus check, I sent her a small part of it. Why?? Because I know she needs help here and there and she never sent any of it back, so I figured well she really needs it if she's using it so I want to keep helping if I can because it's not hurting me or her. But I was wrong about that second part. I was miserable and feeling like I did everything wrong and just wanted to help. I stopped once she did finally send the last amount back and she also threatened me because I was scaring her and I didn't even fucking realize it, and apparently everyone else knew about it as I'd find out later when someone threw it all back in my face making accusations and assumptions and accusing me of making excuses when I told the truth.
Others had her afraid and convinced I'd visit Sweden unannounced and unwelcomed. My wanting to help the person I care about the most is perceived as psychotic and manipulative, because people live in dramatic bubbles of bad stories from their social media feeds and interpretations of their favorite Netflix dramas and the shitty experiences of their past childish relationships. But that's on everyone else. It's not her fault. It's my fault for just not being able to comprehend that she didn't feel that bond we talked about anymore. I couldn't let go, like I said before. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't want help when she needed it for so long before the break. I couldn't fathom my absolute best friend of my entire life wanting nothing to do with me, not trusting me at all, and then being so anxious that she or her friends think she needs a restraining order against me so I don't come to Sweden.
Let me tell you that as someone with abandonment issues, the last thing you ever want to do is go somewhere you aren't welcome. It is by far the most horrible feeling there is. There is nothing that feels worse than that, and it is the very basis of my fucking nightmares that I have to this day. To have someone look at you in person and not want you around is my biggest fucking fear and something I've experienced so many times.
When I was younger I've had people speed away and attempt to lose me in a car chase because they didn't want me to come to an after party, rather than just say "sorry we think you're kinda lame, please go hang out with different people". Fake smiles and then "omg lose him here hahaha" and then feign ignorance. None of these children are fucking honest, no matter how old they are. This is why I don't respect anyone that doesn't show their complete honest selves online and in person. This is why I hate virtue signaling and projection. It's throwing the same shit at me in different ways. It hurts me so fucking much as it always has my entire life. I do not trust anyone like this, and I hate when I am projected and assumed to be like this. It doesn't happen very often at all because as you can see I'm honest with everyone about everything to a fucking fault, but being accused of lying and making excuses is a great way to really hurt me when I'm trying so hard to be honest when I know it's going to hurt me.
But what does any of that matter, everything I said and did as a mistake when I was feeling lost and miserable and alone and abandoned? Everyone will say "when someone shows you who they really are, believe them", because looking at everything black and white is a lot easier than looking at the nuance of who people really are and what they're going through, asking probing questions and keeping your bias and prejudices out of your judgment, but even then I can't blame people for telling others to run away because they don't know me so how should they know if I really am unstable or shitty or just sad and lame and hurt? If the news and the internet and social media teaches you anything, it's that there are dangerous and unstable people out there and who knows who is going to pop off and hurt you next? Best to just leave me alone and hope that someone else helps me or I help myself. But no one else is helping me. My days are spent 99% completely alone in my room, with occasional text messages here and there once a day that are usually about a game or patch notes. I can't even enjoy games anymore. They all fucking remind me of emsi because we gamed a lot. Now I can't play anything without crying. I have literally lost everyone that was close to me, and my guy friends are all understandably busy with their own lives. And you can only take so much of me before it's exhausting.
I have nothing to lose, and you know what's on my mind? I want everyone to be happy, I just wanted people to love me and hug me and hold me and spend time with me, but now I want to leave everyone completely alone because I am unwanted just as I have always been. Is it so bad for me to want to kill myself so I can find my own peace and escape from being secluded and unwanted by everyone? I hate this. I don't want to be here anymore. It's not anyone's fault, I just truly hate myself and my environment. I wish people loved me back.
The people that are like me out there, I have no idea they exist because they're trapped just like I am if they're in the same situation. I would be there for them if I could, if I loved them because I understand them most of all. But to them, I look just like another person that will not understand them and will abandon them once it becomes too much. And like I said, the only people really willing to help that much are people who really truly love you unconditionally more than anything, real partners with real bonds, good supportive healthy family and parents.. So that's almost no one. I don't know how many of you have great supportive parents and families, but I don't think there's many. I have none of that in my life. Emsi came the closest BY FAR, she was so incredible to me and accepted me and even all my flaws and misery and insecurities. NO ONE else would ever do that, and I still adore her and love her more than I will ever love anyone else while I'm alive, and I regret all the pain and confusion I caused her as I was struggling with reliving all my traumas of fears of abandonment in real time with no healthy environment and no support, but no one is without their limits when it comes to someone's untreated traumas and depression. Not even lifetime bonds. I am unsalvageable and unlovable. I have no idea how she is doing. I don't know how anyone in her circles are doing. I am wholly unwelcome so I cut myself off. Monstercat is much more her community and friends than it is mine. I was just a little internet celebrity once upon a time in that community for a bit when people really believed in my potential and loved my music. I've left the Monstercat discord server and other groups because I can't handle the feeling of rejection I feel there now. I feel so unwanted by those I love the most, all because I can't get out of this environment and depression. I can't look at my own twitter feed anymore because it's filled with people in these circles and I miss them and they don't miss me. I can't look at my own work and songs and 7MD content without feeling abandonment and rejection.
But if you have a lot of money AND self awareness, no problem then. You've got the entire world's resources at your finger tips and get access to the best mental healthcare in the world. You've got a decent or great job with decent or great health insurance, or you can easily afford to just dump money into daily sessions out of pocket to get yourself back to a healthy and productive mindset. To heal. Boom, back on the road to meeting new people and making a new life and new friends and new work and art. But I'm lacking the income and insurance and can't gain it without being mentally healthy to acquire a mid-level job to get access to it, and I come from a poor family so there is no safety net to recover. There is only offering a place to live and help feed me and hope that I somehow get better. I live in the great US of A.
I don't even drink, I don't smoke. I don't do a single drug. I take vitamin D3, B12, SAMe. And it's not that I'm trying to be straight, it's just that none of it ever appealed to me, none of it ever helped me feel better. But I am treated like I am addicted to heroin and people closest to me give up on me and distance themselves from me all the same.
I haven't been hugged or held by anyone since November 2019. Thanks for reading.