With everything going on in the FE community at the moment, I feel now is the time to speak up and talk about my experiences. I've been bottling up this anguish for a while now, but I can't bear to keep this to myself anymore, because the more I do, the worse it affects me emotionally.

Last year in March, I met up with Chaz Aria LLC for the first time. I wasn't all that excited to meet up with him, because in the month leading up to that meeting, we were just getting past a pointless argument that involved us and several of my friends. At the time of the argument, he had spouted a lot of bullshit about me to my face in the heat of the moment, ranging from me being "full of myself" to "needing to grow up", so naturally, I was on the fence about even meeting. As he continued to insist we should meet (in which he even tried circumventing my Discord settings to try and talk to me, even sent a messenger pigeon to carry out his word when I blocked him for trying or just flat-out refused to talk), I gave him the benefit of the doubt to meet up after prying an apology out of him. I wanted to see if setting aside past transgressions in person, and moving forward with whatever sort of relationship we had at the time, was worth it.
In the week we were preparing to meet up, he would mention his hotel room in Dana Point (CA) a few times, and it would make me uncomfortable whenever he'd casually bring it up. We had agreed we would meet up in Los Angeles, where I know people and feel safe, not in a completely isolated area where I don't know anyone. That he brought up the hotel room a few times implies he wanted something sexual, which I wasn't comfortable doing at the time. He knew I was uncomfortable, but would brush it aside like my feelings on the matter weren't a big deal.

Biggest instance of me getting uncomfortable: https://imgur.com/a/nD2xbXY

When asked why I was so uneasy around him and what he could do to help ease tension going forward, I told him to just not make me do things I wasn't comfortable doing, to which he said he would keep that in mind.
"I'll be aware of that going in": https://imgur.com/a/Vg50EPG


When we eventually met up at a bar in LA, my sister and her boyfriend were with me to make sure I wasn't hanging out with some rando. They noticed us seemingly talking effortlessly and having fun, so they felt it was okay to leave me with him. However, for me, the mood shifted a bit once they left. As we were talking, he started towering over me, kind of being domineering in the conversation, and he was flattering me often, but the constant flattering was making me a bit uneasy. I brushed it aside, thinking maybe it was just the alcohol talking.
At the end of that night, we had just finished walking around the area, and ended up across the street from that bar. He was getting an Uber ready to go back to his cousin's AirBnB, but I only wanted to keep him company while he waited, then get my own Uber once he was off on his Uber. I know this is a role reversal, but I felt relatively safe where we were to grab my Uber afterwards. Plus, I didn't want him taking my Uber with me and learning where my sister lives. When I told him I planned to go home to my sister, he refused to let me do that and insisted I come back with him to his AirBnB. I voiced profusely how I didn't want to, and was uncomfortable with him insisting, but he continued to pressure me to come back with him. I remember him saying stuff like, "Your sister is probably asleep by now," and worst of all, "You're a grown woman, capable of making your own decisions! Surely, your sister knows that!" Apparently, a grown woman saying she wants to go home to her family rather than home with a guy she's just meeting for the first time means she's not making her own decisions...
Once his Uber arrived, he still looked back at me saying, "Well?" Basically asking what I was waiting for. I was completely shattered by what he had told me moments before, in that I apparently am not making decisions for myself, and started feeling a little terrified when he looked back at me. I thought that if I continued to refuse coming back with him, he would continue to insist. At that point, I felt I had no choice but to go back with him. I didn't know what to do, but to pretend things were fine so the Uber driver wouldn't think something sketchy was happening in the back of his own car.

We make it to his room at the AirBnB, and from there, he starts pressuring me to do all sorts of things I didn't want to do. He pressured me to take my clothes off, let him fondle me, and coerced me into having sex with him, all of which I never wanted to do, nor wanted him to do to me. He would say things like, "You know you've wanted this too," just to convince me to let it happen. He kept forcing himself onto me and dry humping me to get me in the mood, and when he wouldn't stop telling me I wanted it as well, I gave in to get him to shut up. I told him to at least wear a condom, but when his only condom broke, he insisted we go on without one. I was already terrified of the fact we were even doing this, but even more so when he said it broke. I told him I can't do this anymore, and wanted to leave at that point, but he kept insisting we go on. He even tried to pry my legs open to force himself back inside me, all the while I was in such an emotional haze as to what I should do. I wanted to go home so terribly in that moment, but thought that if I tried to do so, he would continue to refuse letting me go, or even go as far as to block my only way out. I was so scared of him, so I thought that my only ticket back home was to let him have his way; I even pretended to enjoy myself so this would be over with faster. He passed out immediately after, all the while I laid there, frazzled by what had just transpired. I quickly and quietly put my clothes back on, and went home.

I had so much trouble sleeping that night and really wanted to cry, but at the time, I had no idea what I would've even been crying about if I had let my tears out. I tried to address this to him once I was back with my sister, but I had no idea how to phrase it.

Conflicted phrasing and lack of a proper response: https://imgur.com/a/snGXKUH

I was confused, vulnerable, and emotionally exhausted from that experience. I had no idea how to feel about this for months, but in the time I was trying to make sense of that night, I still met up with him a few times after the fact. For a long time, I thought I was making a mountain of a molehill, that what happened was no big deal, even though something about it seemed off to me at the time I was processing it all.

When I first spoke up about it, I said way more than I needed to, because I was terrified of him and what he would use against me, just as much as I'm terrified of him now. I mentioned things that were irrelevant to this very incident and was essentially lost trying to say something. In my weak attempt to speak up, he used screenshots of way before the meeting to justify his actions -screenshots of conversations that took place long before that argument, before my feelings and perception towards him changed- as well as screenshots from after the incident to invalidate how I feel and continue to perpetuate this narrative that I wanted it based on the way I would behave online. Regardless of us having been friends who flirted back and forth often, my perception of him had changed when we had that argument, and didn't feel as comfortable around him when we met, and after the incident, was gaslit into thinking nothing was wrong so as to continue seeing him.

I can't continue seeing his actions get swept under the rug over and over again, even as he continues getting involved with everyone's stories without even so much as reflecting on his own actions.

I feel for this community so much, and would never want anyone to go through anything so heinous like me. I feel for Goosaphone and what happened to her, she's really brave for speaking up about it. I feel for the victims in the Smash community and stand by them, word for word.

Anyone who hasn't spoken up about their own stories, I feel for you.

Stay safe, everyone.

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