To Lannie with love. @_ohlana
It is very hard for me to write this right now as I feel completely broken over the recently news of your passing. I don't want to believe it, I really don't and I hope this is just some sort of nightmare that I'll wake up in the morning with you saying "morning" in the discord. I feared this day would come, but I didn't think it would come this soon.
The beginning. I was around on Twitch years before finding your stream. I think I was around when Ninja was streaming sometime after the Justin.TV to Twitch move and I created an account in 2015. I took a break from Twitch in 2017 after I was laid off from my job and was left 6 months unemployed but I then returned when when I finally had a PC build of my own. In search of streamers, I was always fond of smaller communities. Ninja's community seemed to grow much larger and other streamers that I used to watch seemed to have died down. I tried a few streams here and there until I found you. I found you out of boredom back in May 2018. Ninja was showing a rebroadcast of his stream, boring. Out of curiosity, I clicked on his stream team name, Luminosity, and I found you.
You and your community. You were so welcoming and bright spirited. You roasted others and they roasted you back. I loved your will to communicate with chat and have something up on the stream even though you considered your streams to be half-assed. I decided to settle into your community and it felt comforting. It became like a second home to me with the discord and your streams. And I was grateful for that since I too suffered from depression. Its been a roller coaster ride for me and ever since I had you in my daily life, the roller coaster never really seemed to drop. You were the distraction to my battles and I thank you for that. Without you and your community, I don't know how long I could have lasted on my own.
Sorry, I keep taking breaks from writing this, I can't think straight, it might sound jumbled.
Your streams. I loved how you loved to share your life, especially your IRL streams. You enjoyed it so much when chat enjoyed your adventures. You are one of the truest streamers out there, you were true to yourself and said things how it is. You would freak out about not wanting to play any games or have any topics to talk about, but just your presence on stream was enough to keep us occupied from day to day. I know, I know you hated your laugh or the way you talked, but to me, it was comforting. I truly enjoyed hanging out with you in your streams.
Your battles. I knew all of your struggles, but I could never grasp that magnitude of things, I don't think anyone can. I wished there was a way that I could so I could have helped but there just isn't. I wished I had your courage. Your courage to share and speak about your battles. I still have the tendency to bottle up at times. I wished I had the courage to reach out to you. For the past month, I've been holding onto a paragraph that I created on how I've been concerned about your well-being. I know it's not my job or part to help fix your battles, but I want to apologize for not speaking out sooner. I'm sorry.
Lannie, I know I'm not perfect but you still made the effort to care for me. I know between us it wasn't quite perfect, but I enjoyed every single second of it. I trusted you and you trusted me, of all people to help you trusted me with some day to day things, moderation, stream, content, etc.. You are the friend that I will never forget, never. I will never forget the insights you have given me, the lessons you have taught me and memories you have shared. You will always have a special place in my heart. Thank you. Thank you for being you.