BlueGoesMew

Blue · @BlueGoesMew

5th Jul 2020 from TwitLonger

My thoughts on the final day


I woke up at 5am PST randomly. I’m not a morning person and that never happens. I made a big breakfast, ate, and then laid back down and pulled up Twitter to pass some time. That’s when I saw Byron’s tweet proposal to Becca. At first I thought it was cute. He had been talking to me recently about how much she meant to him and that he missed her. We would talk about strategies to get her back. I know he talked to quite a few people about this. When I saw it I thought that maybe they had worked something out. Then he kept adding tweets. I realized nothing had changed in their situation. They hadn’t talked still. Having dated Byron for nearly three years myself I knew immediately that he was being manic. I’d seen it many times. I got the biggest pit in my stomach. I tried to get ahold of his roommate that I knew. I tried getting ahold of Byron. Something was very wrong. I had been to his new place once back in February when I was in Austin for work. I live in Arizona now. We all played smash, and helped him set up his new desk. I couldn’t remember the name of his building, or his address. I knew roughly where it was though. I thought about calling the cops because no one was responding but I didn’t have enough info.

I hesitated also because once while we were dating years ago he downed a bottle of pills in front of me during a manic episode. I called 911. I was so scared. The police and ambulance came and took him to the emergency room to pump his stomach. After they took him, no one knew what happened to him for a week. The only thing the police told me was that they took him to the emergency room and that several hours later he was released after they pumped his stomach. No other info. We all tried getting ahold of him, his phone was off. We assumed the worst that he had left the hospital on his own and killed himself. I checked his bank statements on his computer. It had been days and he hadn’t used his card once furthering our fears. I called the hospital for a third time and begged them for more info. Finally someone told me because I was frantic (they wouldn’t say anything before because of patient privacy) that he had been taken to a mental hospital but not which one and wouldn’t tell me. There are many in Austin. His roommates and parents and I went to so many but none would tell us anything. We were at a loss. Finally over a week later, and after making a missing persons report, the police found him at a mental hospital way outside the city. We went there, but they wouldn’t release him to us or let me talk to him even though he had listed me as his only contact. A few days later they called us and he was able to go home. It was such an awful experience. One of the worst of my life back then. He always said it was his worst experience after that. They didn’t help him at all. Not a single person tried to work with him on why he tried to kill himself or how to take steps to get prevent it in the future. He said he was forced to go to meetings about how eating vegetables was good for you. BS like that. He was forced to sleep in the room with another patient that just drank her own period blood non-stop. When I called the police all those years ago I was trying to help him. I saved his life but I had no idea our mental health system was so fucked up here.

Back to July 2nd 2020, I didn’t know he was going to kill himself that morning. I didn’t trust our mental healthcare system, and I didn’t want to be the reason he was taken back to the worst experience he ever had in his life. I will say it again, I didn’t know this manic episode was going to lead to suicide. Mostly they just caused anger, or a gambling problem. He had been talking to me about everland recently, it was doing really badly financially and I knew that taking him away from it in the middle of him trying to find investors and keeping it alive was the wrong call. If I had known this was more than just a manic episode of course I wouldn’t have hesitated. But I didn’t know and I did hesitate, and that decision is what is haunting me. I wish I had been in Austin and not 900 miles away, I would have just gone over there the moment I realized he was manic to prevent the self sabotage that is typically what results from it.

The next I know his roommate contacts me and tells me he just got a call from the police and that he’s gone. His roommate wasn’t home when it happened. For awhile I just sat there in tears. No one else knew. His roommate asked me for his mom’s number to let her know. I just sat there alone, in disbelief re-reading his last tweet over and over. My best friends who were also friends with Byron, in fact he introduced me to them, were asleep. It was early morning PST.

I have so much regret that I could have done something, since I, like many others who saw his tweets, realized he was not well and could directly contact him. I wish he called me back. I wish I had saved his address from Feb. We had planned a call to talk the day before but he backed out. I wish I had insisted we talk. I just didn’t know he was in as bad of a place as he was. I’m sorry Byron. I have no idea if it would have helped. Just what if... you know?

What I have realized is that the real issue is our mental health care system in the US. Had they helped him 4 years ago the last time he attempted suicide this might not have happened. He spent 13k for his stay there and got nothing for it. Not a single person checked in on him after he left. Nothing was set up to help him after. Had they done a good job his friends wouldn’t have hesitated to reach out to them again for help this time. Byron wouldn’t have been afraid to check himself in. They failed him. I will spend the rest of my days fighting for mental health reform. All of you who are also grieving, please do the same. We can honor his memory this way. Thank you for reading.

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