Miguel · @Sworderailer

5th Jul 2020 from TwitLonger

Apologizing/Addressing Hugo's Post

Ok first thing I want to say, to everyone defending me/arguing for my sake in the replies,
Shut the fuck up. Believe women. Believe victims.

I want to start with a general apology for the things I've done and how I've acted. In the past I've prioritized direct apologies to people that I've hurt, but I realize how important it is to make public statements about my behavior, to let people know what I'm working towards.

I have been extremely touchy, vocally aggressive, and overall an obnoxious and overbearing presence in the past. I've made several, several people uncomfortable, and I want to make it clear that I have no excuses, and that I am sorry.

My issues have always been with women, alcohol, and boundaries.

I have said things in the past like "all women hate me" "oh yah you probably have heard of me as that dude who hates woman"
These statements were extremely dismissive, a pathetic attempt to deflect my issues, and are absolutely not ok. My misogynistic tendencies come from a deep, dark place, but I refuse to let that affect my actions anymore. There is also an issue I have with understanding signals from women that I'm talking to or am interested in romantically. Recently this is something I've gotten better at, but I need to work much, much harder in being self aware, and understanding when its ok to make advances, and when its time to back off.

I've been known as the guy to go to for free liquor for a while. I loved the attention and companionship that came with it, and I vehemently defended my "right" to bring liquor into venues, but I realize now that this is something that's going to need to change in the future. Furthermore, alcohol has exacerbated all of my mental and emotional issues, and even tho its not the source of my problems, its a terrible crutch that needs to disappear.
From here on out I will not be bringing liquor to events, and won't be drinking during events anymore.

Essentially, I have serious issues understanding my size and how I manage that when I'm around people. I am also an extremely affectionate person, and I like to show my affection through different kinds of physical contact. I need to consider the boundaries people set, not everyone is going to be comfortable with my level of affection. I've had issues being too close to people, being overly friendly, touching people without consent, and not respecting their personal boundaries at all. This comes from issues with self image, and I have to accept that regardless of how I see myself, I must take into consideration how others see me and the pressure/discomfort I give them.

Over the years I've gotten better at dealing with these issues, and I genuinely believe I've made good improvements to my behavior. However I am still going to therapy, and still trying to improve every single day.

I want everyone that I've made uncomfortable or hurt to know that I am so very sorry.
I am guilty, and I want to atone for it all somehow. My image and reputation is the last thing on my mind. If there is something I can do, anything at all, I'll do it. I'll also be happy to take any advice or critique with moving forward.
There are several situations I have been made aware of in the replies to Hugo's post, and I'll be messaging more personal apologies after I've posted this.


Now, I'd like to address Hugo's post he made about me and what happened at EVO/SmashCon.
First things first. He's not lying. Everything he's said is true. I've apologized to the victims personally already but again, I'm so sorry about how I acted and what I did.
The purpose of everything I write after this point is NOT to discredit them, but, selfishly, to give you perspective on how I see things and what my thought process is.
Hugo seems to insist that I'm some kind of super predator, and I feel the need to debunk that, at the least. If you don't really care about me or are uninterested in my story I encourage you to stop here.
I've said everything I need to say already.

It's extremely difficult for me to organize my thoughts, but I'm going to do my best.

I'll separate it into three stories. The Evo Party, The Trip to Vegas, and The Aftermath/SmashCon

The Evo Party

I met this girl at the EVO after party last year. She approached me and we started hitting it off.
At this point in my life I've been made aware that my behavior in the community was gross and creepy, and I was trying really hard to change that.I tried my best to make sure that she actually wanted to be there and she didn't feel like i was holding her hostage. I wanted her to have every opportunity to bail if she wanted too.

But she didn't. At one point I asked her if I could kiss her, which she replied "I mean, we can try it". and we did. (This is NOT OK btw. I've learned that anything outside of an enthusiastic "Yes!" should not be taken as consent)
I asked her to dance, we did, we drank more.

At this point I'd like to address her statement saying I grabbed her crotch.
There was a point while we were dancing that we went to grab more drinks, and I was holding her from behind while ordering. I ABSOLUTELY do not remember going for her crotch, even with all my previous behavior I cannot imagine Id ever intentionally do something so seedy. However its not my place to argue that, if she said I did it, then I did it. We talked about that night a few times, but she never mentioned this part to me, I know if she did I would have apologized profusely.

Back to that night, Hugo approached me and basically said something like
"Hey man, just so you know she's not trying to go home with anybody, just so you know."
Externally, I was like "oh shit oh yah yah no man I get it, dont worry".
Internally, I was freaking the fuck out. My mind started racing, I was terrified that I did something wrong, that I made her uncomfortable, or that I said something that scared her. I was having an anxiety attack, I didn't want to leave because that would reassure them of my supposed guilt, but I didn't want to stay, I just wanted to run. I tried to distract myself by walking around the club, talking to others, anything. (In retrospect, anyone watching me would just see a big drunk asshole spazzing out, I need to be much more aware of that.)

She approached me again, she grabbed me and started saying stuff like,
"Omg your such a nice guy I'm sorry I know you'll protect me".
(I don't remember explicitly what she said, but it wasn't too far from this.)
I could see Hugo and a mutual friend watching this happen, and I knew it didn't look good.
At the end of the night, as we were walking out, she approached me again, this time saying that she wanted to stay with me, play blackjack, hangout, whatever.
Hugo and his friend approached me again, telling me "Hey man, she really needs to go home"
Of course I didn't object to that, I told her that she needed to go home too, but she was being pretty insistent on staying.

To try and get her to go I told her that I would just text her the next morning, and we could hangout then. She gave me her phone and I sent her a message to myself.
(Screenshot below)
We all walked her to the Uber, Hugo and I stayed behind while our friend got in the car and rode along with her. As i walked back inside the weight of everything that happened starting fall on me.I felt disgusting, like I had done something terrible. Followers of mine may have seen me tweet out SEVERAL self destructive and self pitying messages that night, I don't know if I deleted them or not.
(Here is the message I sent that night, and some messages we exchanged after, with some explanations thrown in)

The Trip to Vegas

We kept talking over text, and Instagram. At one point I brought up the idea that I could come see her in Vegas. She seemed to be really into the idea, and gave me a bunch of ideas for what we could do or festivals we could go see. I also made it clear that my intentions were romantic, I wanted to make sure there wasn't any confusions on intentions or any boundaries being broken. She said she was open to anything.

However, at one point, she started to act differently. She told me she had to cancel our plans. I asked her why and she gave me relatively vague answers. At the time, I recently had someone cancel flights last minute at my expense, so I was extremely sensitive on the topic. Agitated, I pressed for more info, and she explained that she was told I tried to take her back with me at the party to have sex with her, I defended myself, and assured her that I would absolutely never do something like that. After talking for a while, we decided that I would head down anyway, and we would see what happens.

Flight booked, I got on the plane and headed to Vegas. When she got there, it was pretty obvious she didn't want to be there. I shrugged it off, and did my best not to show how absolutely nervous I was. We talked a bit, but it was all small talk, nothing like how we talked while texting. A few hours later she said she had to leave to go do something with her mother. She dropped me off at the hotel she was kind enough to book for me. (I paid, but I used her discounts.)

She texted me saying that she thinks we rushed into things, shes sorry she had to bail, and she wont be able to see me while I was there. I'm embarrassed to say that I told her how upset I was. She called me to tell me everything was gonna be ok, I just said "ok" and that was that. I spent the next day in that room, and went home a day later. I honestly thought that was the last time I was ever gonna hear or see from her. I was wrong.

Here are some examples of us talking and planning before the trip, (with notes)

And during/after the trip.

The Aftermath/SmashCon

Fast forward several months, and my life has improved significantly.
I started exercising, I started counseling, I was making more money, and most importantly I was improving as a person. Everything seemed like it was getting better. Its around this period that she starts messaging me again. Nothing too serious, I knew I fucked up before and didn't want to push anything on her, and she seemed to feel the same.

Unfortunately something happened to me at Genesis that I can't disclose.
All I can say is what happened severely crippled me emotionally and mentally.
I'm ashamed to say it undid alot of the progress I made, and I began to regress into unhealthy habits and mentalities.

We talked alot more after Genesis, and I used her as an outlet for my insecurities and issues at this point. I think she wanted me to be the guy I was when I was improving, but I just couldn't, but I was too desperate and embarrassed to tell her the truth, that I needed time to heal.
This is when she hit me with something I wasn't aware of, she told me that at Smash Con, I had done the same thing i did to her, to one of her friends, and at first I didn't believe it.
My recollection of the events at Smash Con, were that I helped solve a situation that was happening, that I was part of the solution. (I have proof of this down below)

Due to all the pent up issues, and my own insecurities over people lying to me or manipulating me, I lashed out. I kept insisting that I didn't do that, and she kept saying I did, that she doesn't believe me , that she trusts her friends. I told her to fuck off, to leave my alone, to stay away from me, that I never wanted to see her again. Slowly tho, I started to realize that maybe what she said was true, I couldn't remember exactly how things went down, and knowing myself I could have fucked up and not realized it. Maybe the people at SmashCon made it seem like I was helping to get me to leave. I calmed down but it was too late, she blocked me. (I actually saved this conversation in snapchat, not for this obviously, but because I wanted to show my therapist, and to remind myself what NOT to do. However, when I tried to see them today, about 90% of it was gone, I dont know how it dissapeared.)

The first thing I realized I had to do, was apologize to the victim at Smash Con.
It didn't matter that I couldn't remember, I had to do the right thing.
I DMed her asking her to forgive what I had done, and that I would never do something like that again. She accepted my apology, telling me not to trip.
The last thing I did, was send a message to the girl from EVO saying that I was sorry.
Here are the DM's of the events that occured at SmashCon
And here's the last thing I ever said to the girl from EVO


Honest Thoughts/ Conclusion

In my therapy sessions, we've extensively talked about my struggles with trust, especially when women are involved.
Finding out this girl only came to me for free drinks because Hugo sent her is something... I think is going to haunt me for a while.
But that's something that I have to come to grips with, and work on by myself. I cannot and will not blame other people for my issues.
I'm sorry for the things I've done. Even in situations that may not have been completely in my control, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. All I want to do is make things right.

I have this image of who I am, of someone who cares about people. But that image has been poisoned by anger, self loathing, and loneliness.
I'm not always who I want to be, and it drives me crazy. I have to be better.
Being good enough isn't good enough anymore. I have to be excellent.

Thank you for hearing me out. I will be better.

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