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Hawaii Smash Scene/Xzax
It really is difficult to type right now.
My bf and I had a talk about what has been going on, and it made me poured out everything that's been a burden on me.
I did not expect to say my stories to my bf and for me to spill everything out. I do not have much screenshots because I have deleted them, blocked them, and removed them from my life. I never thought I would talk about this to THIS day. Which is why I never saved any screenshots.
I do not wish any of the people that I'm about to talk about an ill. But this needs to be shared for my own good and for others to know.
It's so difficult not to cry...
I got into the Hawaii competitive scene because of my ex (NIGU). He was the one who has shown me smash the game that he really enjoys.
Me and Nigu dated for 2 year's. We got together when we worked at tmobile. He was 24 and I was 18 when we got together.
My friends and I at the time decided to have a karaoke party. I knew he was someone I could ask for drinks because at the time a few of my friends were wanting to drink. I remembered asking Nigu, 'Hey I'm at a karaoke party and my friends want to drink, do you think you can come by and hang?' He fully accepted it and was like 'Yeah I can I'm not doing anything.'
We went to a park near my friends house and met him there. He provided drinks. To remind you, me and all my friends were minors (I wish I knew better- I heard from one of my friend while she was riding with my closest guy friend, he was swerving his car. I'm glad he is okay and didn't crash/get in trouble.). My friends knew that I had feelings for him, so they left me with him.
I remembered we went to an elementary school and we made out. I asked him if he was drunk and he said no (or maybe) I can't fully remember. But I know at that time, that night, that day. When we made he had touch me at my chest area and my head/mind was all fuzzy for me to process it. All I could do at the moment was to go with it. I did tell him at that night that I liked him and he did say that he didn't want me to be with him because he's wish washy and that he's old. We both knew that we liked each other.
We would still hang out though and I remembered he will take me out late night to random elementary schools so we could make out and he would touch me at my chest area and reach down to my inner thighs. I have told him no from the start but he still kept on doing it that in the end I felt defeated and just went on with it. By the way, we weren't even dating. We both mutually agreed 1 month later that on the 16th of January where he brought drinks to my friends and the night we confessed our feelings that should be the date we got together.
The beginning of our relationships it was very sexual active and to think about right now. I only went with it. It was not even the feeling 'to make love'. When we first had sex, I was scared I was really scared but I did not say anything because I just couldn't let myself say a word. I was just scared and thought he would hate me for it. I would just let him do it to me. I would just keep quiet.
Our relationship we had together I thought it was perfect from the beginning, but it wasn't. It was toxic. It was very toxic. I had depression and it was very severe. Yes in the beginning of our relationship he was caring and he tried his best to deal with my depression. He even stated he doesn't have experience with it. But towards the middle and the end of our relationship. I just felt like he did not care anymore.
My feelings felt very neglected. That got me to the point where I felt suicidal at times. I was at the young age where I wasn't fully mentally developed I didn't know better. Yes there were moments where I have done wrong thing's but I know and I have learned from it.
The time he was trying to get another job, I was there with him... I felt very annoyed and at my lowest point. I ran out of his car and stood in the middle of the road. He just yelled at me to get back into his car. He was furious. I got back into the car feeling so devastated and also filled with anger. In the end he dropped me back off home.
Yes, I have stopped him from going out. The reasoning behind it... he smokes. He smokes weed and I knew back then before he dated me he was a party animal, so he would drink. I would be so worried and I wish I had control my feelings to let him get his freedom of going but I was scared. I was scared of what was going to happen to him if he kept going out, smoke with friends, and drink whatever.
That wasn't until the day he clarified saying that it does nothing bad to you. 'Weed helps with depression and there's no harm to your body'. I fully believed that. That day that was my first time smoking a blunt and he put that in the back of my head that 'it's good for you and there's no wrong in it'. Weed is illegal in Hawaii too. Yes there are cbd oil and there are people who does intake weed to help with certain things. But he/or his brother would buy weed from their friends.
He just has been mentally abusive towards me. I have been getting the help from a therapist during our relationship too because I wanted to get better and I wanted to see if there was still hope in our relationship. It was just so difficult. We would never communicate our problems. If I were to try say something (my feelings) even in the calm state manner. He would come back at me with what I have done wrong and that I shouldn't be saying those thing's.
I even remember telling him he was a child and that his younger brother is much more mature than him. He yelled at me for that.
My friends at that time when I was together with him have backstabbed me because he would tell them behind my back what I have done to him only the negatives. And it hurt to hear from them "Stop threatening your boyfriend. If you ever need help tell us." That made me not want to get help from them because I feel like I'm hated from them and that they only see my negative side.
I had no one to go to not even my family (my family is dysfunctional). Even with my therapist it was still pretty fresh and it just takes a long while and a whole lot of courage to even say the thing's that we are holding within ourselves.
Also, I want to state. That him being in high school that would be me in middle school. Think about that.
I met Kawai at the smash scene and thought he was cool. He talked to me about his girl problems and we got close or I assumed so. At the one night, I was out local. I was just not feeling well. I had so much on my mind that I went to message Kawai. I needed someone at the time and I trusted him.
He gave me his phone number, and I texted him about my relationship with Nigu. How I felt uneasy and don't know what to do. We were also talking about getting high and he came to said this.
He wasn't on island at the time but we both agreed to hang out once he got back. Which comes to the day where he got back we planned something. I was still at my lowest point and didn't know what to do with myself and with my relationship.
We were talking about life for a bit, and he brought out his pen. I was really iffy with taking it at first but just gave in. My mind was really off the chart and I did felt chill but I was really not there.
We were listening to music and we looked at each other. I noticed our face was close and he kissed me... we made out. I'd wasn't asking for any of that. I only hung out with him because I thought he was a cool chill guy and I thought he would help me.
But it all came in the end, where we had sexual interaction twice. And I didn't want any of it. I didn't know how to say no. I was out of my mind. When it happened and when he called me at that night. I cried and I was shook. I wasn't shook and cried that we both needed to stop. I was just shook and cried because I had sex with him and I made out with him. When all I wanted was to be friends and needed help. He took advantage of me.
And it made it so much worse because I kept telling myself it was my fault, and I should really die for it. I was really at my lowest point and lost myself. I didn't know what to do.
I have fully lost myself afterwards and tried my best to keep myself in place and push what has happened in the back of my head. Whenever I see Kawai and/or someone mentions about his name. I get so awkward and it always reminded me of what has happened between the two of us. It has always made me hate myself more and more.
There was that one night where he was dropping me and my bf off home. But he had to pick up his 'gf' his gf is an 18 year old girl from Kamehameha. He was venting to us how he still thinks about his ex, he has feelings for his ex, and doesn't know if he wants to be with that 18 year old girl. That is just wrong. Even his girl smokes weed and she looks so young I thought she was 14. She's still a baby in my own eyes.
And by the way Trosias, if you are reading this. I also heard from him that if you weren't with your wife, he would of hooked up with her because she's cute.
I met Xzax through Twitter and I know him because he was invited to kkon. I was like oh this is a good inkling player. He found my Twitter and followed me, I was pretty shocked and wondered why he would follow a nobody.
But there was this one night where he liked two of my selfies and then he messaged me through twitter asking for my snapchat. At the time, I was weirded out but I thought he just wanted to get me know me better and be friends. I told my ex about it and he was like yeah maybe he just wants to be your friend. So I let him have my snapchat.
We talked to each other and he had said that I was cute and he would show himself shirtless through snap. Which I brushed it off. But there was a time where we both sent sexual messages and pictures of myself (for me it didn't go beyond to being the point naked it was just in my undergarment). At that time, I realized what I was doing wrong and told him we need to stop and that I have a bf. I should of told him I had a bf from the beginning, but I was scared to. I just gave in and gave in to his needs.
He apologized about it and we both mutually agree to be friends. But there will be at some points after where he would ask me to help him out whether it be a sexual message or like a picture of me. Yes I know I should of blocked him or whatever atm I did not know what to do except to say no and stop.
I eventually stopped talking to him here and there also sending snaps of the ground for our streak. But even through the snap streak he would still send pics of himself.
I have talked to him about my feelings of how I felt... how I truly felt after he posted his twitlonger. He asked if we could still be friends and I said yes. Afterwards, I realized that it's just wrong for me to still be friends with him and why I should be friends with him.
I needed to block him from snapchat and twitter and so I did.
I want the community to be a lot safer which is why I'm telling you guy's my story.
Why only come out with this story now? Where's all the screenshots? Why are there only little? Again, I was too scared and I brought everything to my fault. I put that in the back of my head that it is my fault. I was also afraid saying my stories out because I'm just afraid of getting the backlash, and people would not believe anything that I would of said.