UltraPG · @Ultra_PG

3rd Jul 2020 from TwitLonger

My experience around PBnJ (and in general life)

I want to start this off by saying I appreciate the support I've gotten from DDisciple specifically. He's been willing to talk to me and open to hear out my story and general thoughts. I also want to want to say thank you Risu for coming out (https://twitter.com/ReallyRisu/status/1278766398509105152?s=20), against Evan as it's literally the only reason I am starting to understand the scenario I was in.

also a quick TLDR: I am mainly coming out to indirectly support the claim Risu had by saying that Evan doesn't understand personal space and (regardless of him knowing or not) has abused power dynamics before with me specifically and has made me feel extremely uncomfortable before.

I guess I should start by explaining who I am and how I came to meet and get involved with Smash Studios. I first found out about Smash studios around 5 or 6 years ago on youtube from watching smash events. 4 Years ago is when I really started following and supporting Smash Studios and started talking to Evan specifically about events and working events and ended up working my first event for him in SSC 2018.

From here I'm just writing things down so I'm sorry if it seems unorganized, it probably is. I have trouble staying focused on one thing but I think it's important to capture some raw emotion.

During SSC 2018 I was fit because of sports and I like showing off, as to me it helps me feel more confident about myself since throughout all of high school I was very insecure about myself as a person and in many ways I still am. Anyways, Evan would constantly move me around by grabbing my arms or pushing me by touching me instead of just asking me to move. now this alone isn't terrible but (and I didn't realize this when until writing it down and I don't know how I feel about it, I'm still processing this and I think it has effected me way more than I first thought it did) the fact that I was 17 turning 18 that weekend (august 11) the way he grabbed my arms and the amount of times he did it (all weekend during the event and at the venue and then again in SSC 2019) makes it feel much more like groping than just a simple push away or something like that. This made me extremely uncomfortable but I didn't want to tell him to stop doing it because I didn't want to accuse him of doing something he's not, or at least at the time that's what I thought and I failed to see the power dynamic that was at play until reflecting upon it the last few days. He did pay me for going out to work events so the easiest way to think of the power dynamic is imagine your boss who is your friend at the time doing this. Now what I find odd is that he never made any type of (that I can think of) advances in any way shape or form outside of those incidents (Which repeated in SSC 2019). He never did anything at the hotel, nor at his house when I went for a week. So this leads me to believe that his groping was maybe unintentional and he is completely oblivious to what personal space is but I don't know and honestly I don't want to know.

I, outside of smash, have also been in situations where the person I was having a sexual relationship with has done things that made me feel really uncomfortable but I didn't know how to speak up about it (and have never told anyone about it until this twitlonger). Now this is a tricky situation of course and I'm not going to dive into the logistics of consent in this thread because I could go on for hours about it and it is a subject we should talk about, just not now. (but if you do have questions I am open to talk about it) but basically I consented to sex just but I never consented to, and felt uncomfortable with some of the other things she did. Now I don't think she intended to make me uncomfortable and that's kinda the point I want to hit home here. Intent does not really matter when it has a negative effect on the victim. Now remember that and apply that to not only my personal experience but any number of other situations that are being brought up. This is why I brought this up as well as to vent it out and get it off my chest.

In terms of consequences, while I can't speak for Risu or her experience, I think it is extremely dangerous to have someone who is so unaware of (or is aware and that's even worse) personal boundaries even when there is an age gap like there was in my situation.

Now I want to speak up for victims here a little and explain to some of you just how difficult it is for someone to "speak out in the moment" about something even as "small" as my experience. I pride myself in being vocal against authority figures, and I've been so vocal to the point to where I get myself into trouble at work for doing it all the time. I also get called an asshole sometimes for just how blunt I am about speaking out how I feel. Now with that in mind and also keeping in mind that I am a guy, even I struggled and in fact did not speak out against either of the two situations I talked about even as a guy to a girl. If I struggled with it, can you imagine just how difficult it would be for someone who has to deal with it as a woman or at a much younger age???? stop victim blaming it's disgusting.

I'm very fortunate to be involved in a community (hasanabi's community specifically his offline twitch chat) who will support me and he himself also speaks out against these situations and has spoken out about a few of his personal experiences (and has given me confidence to also speak out about my experiences). I am also fortunate to be a social worker so I am able to come to grips to the situation in many ways and know exactly how to seek help and have a team of co-workers who will support me. Not everyone has that same fortune so please go support all the victims because they truly need it. We need to stand together as a community.

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