Tight Walls McGee ™ · @espurrexe
3rd Jul 2020 from TwitLonger
My truth :
Firstly, I'd like to acknowledge the power dynamic in most of the times that I've been both sexually assaulted and or raped; I was a minor in most of the instances- and they knew that. I've been afraid of coming out with my story for I know these people have platforms and I do not. The trauma I've held onto and had for years has lead me to be diagnosed with PTSD and has spiraled me DEEP into depression multiple times. Please keep all of the people who HAVE come out with their stories in your thoughts, because to us, the people reading are the only ones who can help. Give them your full support. Thank you.
Secondly, I want to see the good in people. I always do, but there is a point where there needs to be change and confrontation. This is my experience, and mine only. I am not looking to ruin these people's lives/careers/livelihoods. This isn't revenge driven. But I will no longer put my mental health and other's safety on the line. I want to see the good, I want them to be held accountable, and lastly, I want others ESPECIALLY WOMEN, YOUNG BOYS AND GIRLS to be wary around them.
Third, I suffer from major depressive disorder, PTSD and other mental health issues that pertain to psychosis (BECAUSE of extreme trauma both because of this and because of something else) . I have been diagnosed and it was one of the things that have really helped me come out with these stories. Please keep in mind these were all things I was fighting WHILE encountering my rapists/ sexual assulters (Minus my first case). I wanted friends at the end of the day. I wanted people who i could call a friend and confide in. I wanted to be cool and hang out with people. And it all got worse since then, but I am taking the right steps to help myself recover. Though I know I will never be completely healed from these things. I can only accept them and move past them.
In 2014, I had met Keion ( keiiyawn on twitter ) and began dating him. He was 20, while i was still a minor. We had met on league (Im not sure what his IGN is) and it was a LDR. We were together for 6~ months but i realized I no longer wanted to be with him and tried to break up. He threatened to kill himself and I had caved multiple times into getting back together with him. I, then, realized I REALLY didn't want to be with him cut it off completely. On December 31st, 2015, he had hacked into my email, taking all of my account password. He told me "if you masturbate in front of me, I'll give them back to you." I did so, thinking I could get all my accounts, emails etc. back. I began crying and telling him this is wrong, and I felt off. For years I felt abused and used by someone. I've regarded this situation as something I could've stepped away from which was why it took me years to accept as actual abuse. It lead to hyper sexuality, trauma, problem with my sex life and letting myself be abused because my self esteem was in the gutter.
Along with this, my bestfriend of 8 years sided with him. Though she knew exactly what he did, and when he did it- she chose to continue to speak and interact with him. And that hurt tremendously. For those who side with the perpetrator and or have friends who have sexually assuled/raped someone please ask yourself the following;
Is my connection with this person more important than the dignity of the person's that was taken away?
Is being friends with them mean more to me than someone's mental health?
Does this align with my conduct?
Is my relationship with the perpetrator worth de validating the experience of someone's trauma?
How would I feel?
Please put yourself in the victim's shoes.
In 2017, I was abused and manipulated into oral copulation with a man who I considered my boyfriend. He was 24. He later raped my sister. Both my sister and I refuse to acknowledge his existence.
Again in 2017, was the year that I met Unknown. I became a usual in his stream. He was 24/25 and i was, still a minor. I was coerced into oral copulation with him as well, multiple times. He would ask to give it to me too, but I was uncomfortable and I grew more and more uncomfortable as time came. One instance is that we were both in his car and he asked for oral, and I made the excuse that I had just eaten- I didn't want to. He kept badgering me asking (almost begging) until I caved. I was scared because I was in HIS car. So I autopiloted, I let it happen and disassociated. I hated the fact that I let myself do that though, since speaking to a therapist they've always reassured me that I have and always be the victim. I, again, wanting to see the best in people unblocked him and let myself talk to him. Since last year, we have had little to no conversation.
In 2018, as rumors come out- It was me. I was the girl Zerk got into a bathroom with and tried to kiss. I was with a close friend and he had convinced me he was a good person. We had gotten food with him and he texted my friend saying some demeaning things about me (which i was uncomfortable about). Fast Forward, I was at a party with him, and they were the only two people I knew at that party. I was already pretty drunk (but not black out) when it had happened. Zerk spoke to me prior multiple times about how the person who I was talking to was trying to have sex with me. I told him it wasn't any of his business. and he continued to hover over me. I thought of this as nice because hey- like this guy cares for my safety cool. I went to go to the bathroom and when I came out, he was hanging around the entrance of the hall to the bathroom. He walked towards me, closed and locked the door. I was confused and and i sat down infront of the vanity. He came towards me and tried to kiss me (at this point I think he was completely inebriated), to which I dodged and asked him what are you doing? He told me "I thought you were poly? (polyamourous)" I said, I am and promptly stood up and left. I b-lined to my friend and told him what happened, and we immediately left.
After that convention, my clearly allowed my story to be told by my friend for he was part of the SL FGC at that time. I let him tell his account of what happened, and mine as well. And my heart sank. The answers that were given to him were ones of "Oh we dont like him anyways." "did you tell police??" "that's just zerk things". I was and still am DEEPLY hurt by those words. Not only did the SF FGC sweep the story under the carpet and FORGET about it, but it affected me in a way where I NEVER wanted to speak out about ANY of my sexual assult/rape cases again. I BEG YOU to PLEASE think about what you say and especially with something as SERIOUS as this. It took 2 YEARS for people to turn ANY KIND of head towards it. Thank you to the ones who HAVE spoken out about it- of which I gave full consent to. Thank you so so much, you DO NOT know how much it gave me strength to write this.
In 2019, I was sexually assaulted by a man named Corey. I was at Otakon with some of my friends. It had first started by him briskly touching my bum while in the artist alley. And because were all drunk at the time, I wrote it off as an accident. But it continued. He would touch my thigh/leg/bum later that same day. It wasn't later that day that i had told someone to help me (Tak). I told him about what was happening and i begged him to please please please not let corey be alone with me, if anything happened. and he promised not to. Later that day I had passed out, and my friends were going out to get food. Since i was passed out, one person had to be left in the hotel room. Tak said he'd do it and stayed with me while i was passed out. I again, CANNOT thank you enough for what he did. Although I wanted to see the best in people, i cannot help but feel (in my entire being) that if corey had been the person alone with me, something awful would have happened. I again, thank you so much for what you did Ed, it meant the world to me.
There have been instances where other people from the FGC have made me feel uncomfortable. But the lines were blurred and I had not completely explained why I felt so awkward with them. I have since reached out to them and told them what they did to me/with me made me feel extremely uncomfortable. and they have since genuinely apologized.
Finally, to the women and men that have not yet told their truths; I implore you. I hope you can find strength in this message, or anyone who's come out. I trust you, I believe you, and I will always support you. Know what you did was not wrong- none of it was. It is scary to come out with your story but I will let you know I will be on your side. I love you. Please consider it, and know MANY people are standing by your side. I hope you find the strength needed. And although this wound may never heal, this is most definitely something we can over come.
I do not want these people 'cancelled', but I want them to be held accountable. Please let them know this is wrong. I, by no means, want hate. I want them to be held accountable by the people around them (ESPECIALLY the FGC).
Thank you for taking time to read my story. Thank you for those willing to help me. Please stay safe.
Much love,
Ross