my predatorial eperience

Before I go any further with this, I just want to say. I am still 15, I don't know if I'm truly handling this correctly, I'm still very conflicted and very ashamed with myself for allowing myself to be strung along the way I was. I've been immensely conflicted as of late making this, concerned for my safety, and also Ultra's, but enough is enough, I can't allow myself to keep living this lie I've minimized myself into. At the bottom of this there will be an imgur link, to show screenshots of evidence.

For context for things that'll become relevant later, my Mum passed April of 2018 (I was 13) since that time the wound has been raw. During the year gap from my mum passing to the Ultra situation, I grew very attached and very clingy to people very fast, as I was seeking another figure other than my dad to seek love from, I craved attention, I wanted to be important to someone. It was fucked. This was an issue that lingered all the way until maybe around 7 months ago, and since I've been working on bettering myself.

That aside:

I first met Ultra around February/March of last year, we quickly became friends, and all was fine for awhile. However it didn't take long for me to begin to cling to him, in pursuit of attention that I longed. This ultimately developed into an intimate relationship, (of course nothing physical ever happened as we never met up.) This then lead to explicit messages sent between us, an example of such being when he sent me a video of a cartoon character drinking milk, then telling me "you when we meet", following with, "I'll eat a whole pineapple before we meet. Pineapple makes semen taste good." (proof in the imgur as stated before.)

When scrolling back through these messages my stomach churns, I take full responsibility for going along with the sexual messages, while gathering the screenshots for this I cringed an unbelievable amount of times with the things I would say to him, showing that I was enjoying the attention etc; a heavy reason why it took me so long to come out with this, in fear it would take away from any credibility I have, but I'm done with that.

During the time Ultra and I met, I was heavily struggling with my identity. When I opened this up to him, he told me 'well, I think your trans." This helped initiate our sexual relationship as I am male, and Ultra is a straight male. While I hope Ultra's intention wasn't to manipulate me into thinking this way, when looking back at the screenshots I can't help but doubt that belief, as even when I showed signs of hesitation about being trans (MtF) and feeling very unsure, he would tell me that I should come out to my dad because, "you know you want to." and at that point I did not, and didn't really believe I was myself. Another thing he did that's always rubbed me as manipulative, was make jokes about me isolating myself from my family. One such time he told me I should get a family member arrested (one I was staying with at the time.) so that I could say I have a guardian in his location, and then he'd take custody of me. While this may have been a joke, I was very uncomfortable and even made it ( at least I think) quite obvious, I even said "im not isolating myself from my family. ever." to which he responded with sad emojis and told me "it was all for nothing." (another thing showed in the imgur.)

Often, Ultra and I would play Smash together, or we would talk at night, usually if I ever did anything 'wrong', or if maybe my playstyle in smash was upsetting him, he'd leave call randomly and go vent about me in another server that we both share. He would also talk about me to my close friends, saying my playstyle was dumb or too campy etc. This created so much anxiety within me, as when I read these vents I would freak out, and always be the one having to apologies. I grew so anxious and so paranoid whenever we did something, and I knew that too, but he was giving me attention. He told me that he loved me. I felt wanted so I kept coming back. This toxic cycle (fueled from both ends.) kept up till around mid August.

This next period from August to October is what I call 'the breaking phase.' During this time I was increasingly becoming more aware of how problematic the guilt tripping and vague posting was, (yet still oblivious to the fact he, a 21 year old male was have sexual interactions with a 14 year old, despite knowing their age.) It all came crumbling down when one day myself, Ultra and another one of our mutual friends were playing a game of Smash. To be completely honest this next portion is a complete blur to me, I genuinely do not remember what was said, but apparently I said something negative to Ultra which pissed him off, after the match was over he left.
This is where things started going downhill, after coming to the realization the relationship between Ultra and I was excruciatingly toxic, I had had enough, I attempted to move on and just completely ignore him. An incredibly dumb decision as we are both very active within the same servers, and at the time all of my friends were mutually friends with him. I don't remember how long it took for this to happen, but on the 20th of August I woke up to a message from him that was in short, what felt like a suicide note. Despite everything that had happened to this point, I could not bare to go through another loss, especially one that had such a large impact on me throughout a 7 month period. He also again vented in the server that we share, making his 'suicide' apparent to the others within the server, (as seen from the replies he received.) this caused me to lurch back into the relationship that we had. He ghosted me for a few hours until finally responding saying "I haven't made my final decision yet." From here we talked and reached a conclusion, the relationship continued, but it was very rocky and very unstable.

It wasn't until the 15th of September that things shattered, he made a vent about me in the server we share, again. I then confronted this to him, and overall about his emotional abuse and manipulation through vague posting and what not. We then created a group dm with Ultra, myself and the same mutual friend who was with us in the smash incident, which he believed was the root of all of these problems. We talked there and agreed to be acquaintances rather than friends, so we were still able to interact with the other mutual friends we have within that server. I truly did believe this would work, yet it inevitably failed. Tensions ran too high and it was too awkward.

On the 25th of October I reached out to him and gave him an 'apology' which he accepted and we agreed to move forward. We've been 'friends' since.

We are not friends. I've been constantly minimizing the issue ever since it happened, blaming the sexual interactions on myself. Blaming the vents he made on me, acting like it was ok and it was fine, and its over now so who cares. In truth, I've wanted to make a statement for a while, as anytime I'm around him, I get very close to bursting into tears, I feel drained and incredibly paranoid whenever I leave an interaction with him. But, I've been so terrified of this statement back firing, to lose all the friends I hold dear, as most of my close friendships are online and not irl, this is what primarily made me minimize my issues, and I would lie to myself and to my boyfriend who knows everything that's happened, that I was fine and I could just ignore this ever happened, continuously minimizing it. But through the support of friends and the people close to me, I'm no longer going to hide, I'm no longer going to allow myself to feel burdened and act like nothing ever happened by minimizing my pain. Regardless of the outcome that may follow.

Here is the imgur attachment link:

as a note: Ultra DID know I was 14. He DID know my mum had passed, I made sure to include screenshots containing said information.

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