Jisu @ Hiatus · @JisuArtist
2nd Jul 2020 from TwitLonger
Why I actually left (Smash) Twitter
I'm sure many of you are shocked by these past few days. I didn't want to come back to twitter this soon, and I'm probably going to stay lowkey until I'm ready with my new content-- that being said, I haven't stopped paying attention. This cause is too important to me to not address, and I want to shed light on what's really been going on.
It's not news now that I came out with my story 2 years ago (https://jackiechoe.wordpress.com/2018/01/17/metoo-public-version/) Since then, the atmosphere has changed for the better, and more and more victims finally feel safe enough to come forward with their stories.
Back in 2019, I made some condemning tweets that I chose not to follow up on because of the current environment (https://twitter.com/JisuArtist/status/1109183661587480578). What I mean by that is that I didn't feel like people were really ready-- and it’s true, most people still couldn't imagine how messed up a lot of their favorite personalities are. Having already heard so many stories and just witnessing horrible things, the environment of simultaneously being surrounded by such suspect people and having endured my own turmoil was too much. I had to leave.
I'm coming back for a moment to address the one regret I have, which is never actually making any of the details of my story public. When I say details-- I mean things like how I was silenced until I was legal like Puppeh, or how I was taken advantage of drunk in a closet where they raped me and took explicit photos of me, photos that I would only discover existed when they tried to coerce me later.
I think at the time, I was too uncomfortable to share it all. Again, the atmosphere was way different, and I personally just wasn't ready. I was fighting it privately for months and I so desperately wanted it to be over. Once I did come clean, I tried to maintain some semblance of control and stability that I had been craving for so very long. Unfortunately, wounds as deep as those don't heal fast, which is a lesson I've painfully learned the hard way.
I think it is important to know how grievous the acts can be. Everyone knows that I lost all my money and years of hard work, but no one knows how I was forced to live in his basement on a gym mat, or how I was constantly sexually abused in extremely fucked up ways. I was raped at 15, he's 10 years older. If you want the truth of it, I was constantly being used for sexual favors. I didn't know any better and I just wanted to feel loved and safe since I never felt that at home. When word got around, I was trained to deny everything. This made it incredibly difficult for anyone to get through to me since 1) I was afraid of being reprimanded 2) I was afraid of losing my artwork 3) I was afraid of going back home. I believed that staying with him was the best thing for my future, so I just stuck through it.
There's a very long version of my story that is password protected that goes over everything. I can't even bring myself to read through it. In it though, I remember when things were initially falling apart, he would turn towards subtle acts of violence-- not enough to warrant a police call, but enough to intimidate. Things like throwing scissors at the wall or holding them threateningly while berating me. When things got desperate, I even turned to his family to get through, only to face a parent who horribly enabled their child and believed I didn't deserve anything either. Remember those photos? I remember the moment I first saw them, he had sent them to me in blackmail as an attempt to coerce me into giving him all the business. Even worse is when I wouldn't comply, he turned towards messaging my non-smash friends and my little sister, alleging how we have "small relationship problems" but he "loves me so much and I love him and he has the photos to prove it".
Something else to note is the subtle strategy at play-- those photos for instance, he waited until I was 18 to finally take them, so there would be no proof of our sexual relationships beforehand-- kind of like how D1 waited until KTDominate just turned 18. Or how he made sure he or I never admit to anything, just like how criminals never admit to a crime to make the process as difficult as possible. Most importantly was how two-faced he was, and how he had the belief that he truly could control everyone and me through attempts like privately messaging my friends as if we were having a "small fight". I tried to fight these situations the "right" way-- on my own and in private. I called the police multiple times. I showed them the photos, the messages, the coercion-- they didn't do shit. All they told me is that they can give him a call and tell him to stay away. I was quite literally losing my mind. Once the pressure had built up to a certain point, I just broke and made a tweet which prompted someone calling the police on me before I kill myself.
I remember when the authorities first arrived. I remember being hysterical and just glad my dad wasn't there to see it. I was losing whatever control I had of the situation and I just wanted an out. There was this kind woman and some men, and I showed them the photos and they listened to my story as they drove me to the psych ward. I remember arriving and being admitted in and not allowed out until the doctor allowed me to go (surprisingly easy). I remember thinking how the woman officer assured me that justice would be served as my mom came to pick me up and berated me the entire car ride home to pray for my abuser and that his health wasn't doing well. I just tuned her out and realized I just had to come clean and make it all public.
Despite everything I went through...I think the hardest pill to swallow...it's not the rape...the years of youth lost...the money...I think the hardest pill is knowing that the same people who've built you up and supported you through it all were all just the same monsters all along. I lived in the infamous 24-man streamer house, and plenty of people knew what was happening. It was a different time back then, but I look back and realize that people like D1 lived there in close proximity and I understand all too well now why he never stepped in. I realized that all the top player DMs I've gotten over the years were truly from a place of zero shame or awareness. I understand why SleepyK supported me so unwaveringly. I understand now why plenty of men waited until I was legal to finally make their move. Knowing that you've confided and trusted in all these adults, only to have it all shattered in front of your own eyes is a sobering experience, and having known that so many egregious things were always happening, I had to take a year off from social media to really collect myself and breathe.
I hate to end with this, but this really is just the tip of the iceberg. This is not an attempt at taking away from everyone else's stories, but rather, a way to show that your favorite people indeed are truly capable of horrible things. There are still so many things I don't feel comfortable saying, and I'm sure there's many others who feel the same way with their experiences. I've been asked the question "what can I do?" and the best thing you can do is to keep an eye out and support the victims. Sexual/psychological/physical abuse truly does years of damage, and can take a lifetime to undo, and thus not only is it right, but it is imperative that consequences be faced.