goul#662🦇 · @ghouleish
2nd Jul 2020 from TwitLonger
Shine 2018
The post I made yesterday was fueled by anger and that wasn’t how I wanted this to come out, but my feelings got really hurt by something that had been said by my abuser and I just went for it then. This will be the whole story.
In July 2018 I went to short hops, a single day tournament at Xanadu because it was close (ish) to me and easy to get to. I had a great time and desperately wanted to go to another tournament, and the next big one was Shine. Unfortunately, it was a little late and most rooms were all booked up (I wouldn’t have been able to afford a room of my own anyway). So a more prominent friend of mine arranged for me to share a room with 4 of his friends and even get a ride from one of them. Steven (aka Brooklyn) lived in NY so just a short trip from me, and was driving to Boston for Shine, and he willing and excited to let me come for the drive. After we got there, he told me he and I were sleeping on the floor and that he had an air mattress for us to share and I had no real problem with this- I trusted him. We went out to dinner with our friends, had a good time, and came back to play games/go to bed.
The exact details of all of this is super fuzzy for me as I had been drinking all day and it was 2 years ago. It was either Friday or Saturday night after the tournament- I mostly remember just hanging out with a large group of people I consider friends, and having an amazing time. I was heavily intoxicated, but functional, and some of my roommates were downstairs. I believe some of them went up early, but Steven was with us. I don’t remember a lot because of how drunk I was, but I do remember having a conversation with another smasher who was being a little flirtatious with me, and I was laughing at it, not at all uncomfortable, but suddenly Steven was there and putting his arm around me, telling me how drunk I was. In the moment this seemed like an over protective thing, as much of his actions towards me did when you don’t know what happened next.
After everyone went to bed, I believe myself and the two roommates who had stayed downstairs drinking with me all went up later, and we all got into bed.
This is where I remember everything very very clearly. I changed into my pajamas and laid down on the air mattress, facing away from him on my left. I was facing the night stand in the hotel room, trying to sleep, but the room was spinning. Soon I started to drift in and out of sleep, something I do a lot when I’ve been drinking and am trying to go to bed. I wasn’t fully conscious but I wasn’t completely unaware. I’m not sure how long after that but I felt Steven touching my back and rubbing up and down. At first I thought he was worried I was sick because I had so much to drink and was trying to comfort me, but I had been silent and still for a while it was very obvious I was asleep. Then, I felt his hand travel further and I felt him rubbing my butt up and down. This made me incredibly uncomfortable so I shifted to the edge of the mattress and out of his reach. He then moved closer to me and continued, stopping after a few minutes. The entire time I was extremely uncomfortable and panicked and upset and most of the night after that I just laid there awake hoping it wouldn’t happen again.
The next day, I only told one person, who asked me if I wanted to confront Steven, and I said no and asked them not to either.
Steven was my ride home, I was sharing a room/bed with him with nowhere else to go, and this was my first major and so far from home so I was scared of ruining the weekend. I felt like my trust had been broken and I had been violated, but like I was unable to speak up and say anything. Steven was aware I had been involved with another smasher. He was aware I had been drinking. He thought I was asleep and couldn’t say anything.
For the last two years I’ve kept this to myself because he was held in such a high regard by my friend group in the community and everyone loved him. The person who knew about it was still his friend. Everyone was. So I convinced myself he was a good person and maybe I led him on somehow or maybe I made him think it was okay by not saying anything about it. I maintained a personal friendship with him that has ripped me up every day since. I don’t hate him, I just don’t understand why he would do that to me and hurt me like that. The recent rise in victims feeling strong enough to come out has made me focus on these feelings I’ve had for two years more than I have since the event. And it’s made them impossible to ignore.
I appreciate the support of my friends who were in the room and in our group that weekend. And I appreciate Steven owning up to it in my previous tweet. He did attempt to reach out to me but I’m not ready to talk to him and I don’t know if I ever will be.
Thanks for listening.