Coming to terms with myself, and my own story
The past few weeks, I've been forced to do a lot of reflecting on my life. I want to preface my story by saying I don't want any sympathy. In the past few years, I've lied to, manipulated, invaded the privacy and trust of people that I didn't even realized how much I cared about and who gave me everything and every chance in ways that I can't imagine how much I hurt them. I don't want to share details out of respect for their privacy, but I will be happy however they choose to handle it if they do at all. I am nowhere close to a paragon of morality or righteousness, even though I've claimed to be in the past, and out of respect for the people who I've wronged and for my own improvement, but I can't be honest with myself if I just keep running, and it's time I start to change. All I want is for people in similar positions to feel empowered to come out, people to do the right thing, and for people to understand that you can reflect and try to make meaningful changes in your life. For me to do that, especially given how much I've lied in my life, I have to share arguably the most shameful, embarrassing part of my life that I've never really confronted head on until recently... or so I thought. It's not shameful, and it's not embarrassing, and if you've ever had a similar situation, please, realize it was not your fault.
I'm sure some of you remember the twitlonger I posted after Summit of 2019, but just to quickly recap some timelines so that you have a better understanding, my mother left from drug addiction problems when I was 7 or 8, my dad had god knows how many girlfriends in between and another wife, and then my mom came back when I was 13 and they got back together. Some things never changed, and she relapsed.
About half a year later, something happened that ... even now makes me feel ... nauseous, freeze up while I'm typing, emotions I didn't even know I still had in me. My mother made advances on me, and I hooked up with my mother. For eleven years, I can't tell you how ashamed I was. How could I be so fucked up? I must've enjoyed it, right? I partook in it. Nobody would ever support me if they knew this, nobody would ever take me seriously, it'd haunt me for the rest of my life. These are thoughts that I suspect everyone in this situation has felt and will feel. I was 14, there is no fault. In hindsight, she made comments like "oh in Hawaii it's normal for kids to have sex with their parents so they know what to do when the time comes" and me being socially inept in many ways had no idea what that meant. Even if she didn't make any comments, I was 14, she was 40 something. I tried coming out a few times to people and even lied to make the details seem way "worse" than they were because I thought it was the only way I'd get acceptance for it, and was met with "you were 14, you knew what you were doing, wtf dude, you fucked your mom??? (I lied about having sex because I thought it would make it seem more in my favor)" etc. I'm not going to out who said this at this time, maybe in the future if the time is right, but it made me convinced I just had to keep hiding. I have to thank all the stories of all the people coming out, because it's been a tremendous motivator for me to push working on myself as hard as I can to try to become a better person and do the right thing, and that's the only effect I intend for this to have.
Again, I have to reiterate, out of respect for the people that I've wronged, I do not want any sympathy. This is only part of my process to fixing my lifelong issues that I've consistently ran away from, and in some ways, what I did impacted these people who gave me everything badly enough that it could warrant some type of ban. I talked to them before we took space, and they've always been nothing honest with me so I have no reason to think they hold a grudge or believe that I'm a genuine piece of shit rather than a habitual one, but the more I think about it, I can't imagine how they'd feel if I reverted back to my old habits on social media and was treated in a positive light.
All I want is for people to begin the process of reflecting, confronting their issues head on, and actively making positive changes in their life. You owe it to the people who care about you, and more importantly, to yourself. I moved back in with my dad, and he hasn't apologized at all, but I can tell he's changed. He told me about how when he was in jail, he was stuck alone with nothing more than his thoughts. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, nobody to rationalize to. That was the turning point for him to becoming a better person, and I think unless you feel tremendous amounts of pain, struggling, and remorse through hours, days, weeks, months of self reflection, you'll never really change. This feels early for me even though it's only been a few weeks, but I couldn't stay silent about it anymore, but I want to use my platform for something positive and constructive rather than consistently whining, lying, making excuses, or any other crap that I've pulled since I came into a spotlight. Actions speak way, way louder than words. Apologies aren't enough, apologies are empty, apologies take no effort, I should know, I issued more than my fair share.
Please, do the right thing, try to change for the better, and make the community safer. This isn't something you read once, think about and forget. Self improvement is a process that will continue for the rest of your life. Every day has to be an active effort, every day has to be more confrontation and reflection, and every day you have to consciously make the effort to do the right thing. Thank you for reading, and I hope you can take something positive away from it.