I have been deeply ashamed and disappointed in myself for the past 3 years since the incident. There is no excuse for what happened, I don’t care if I was blackout drunk - that doesn’t justify my behavior that night. I knew drinking was a problem in my life, and I regret not fixing it before it got to this.
I want to be absolutely clear: this clarification is NOT a defense in what I did, and is not a way to minimize what happened, but I want to provide the context in how everything occurred. What I did was still despicable, and terrible.
Lilypichu moving into the house was the result of some negative actions I had learned about her ex-boyfriend who she was still living with at the time. It was clear she needed to get away from that environment. The decision of her moving wasn’t entirely mine: I consulted with members of my management company and we all strongly agreed it was best for her to move.
Scarra was supposed to be involved in the Taiwan campaign as well, but the brand changed their mind last minute and didn’t require Scarra to go.
As for the night of the incident, I believe in Lily’s recollection of it 100%, and do not dispute any of it. We were both out drinking heavily that night and ended up in my hotel room. I don’t remember her losing her key, but I trust her account of me inviting her to my room where we talked more.
I had an immediate lack of reaction the next morning because I was unaware of what exactly happened - I was under the impression we just passed out after talking, I believe I had my boxers on because that’s how I normally sleep, she was next to me but I didn’t have my arms and legs wrapped around her (I do believe her when she says they were when we fell asleep though).
Lily confirmed that the interaction did not go any further: I did not try to remove her clothes, I did not attempt to have sex with her. It doesn’t make my actions excusable, but I hope this provides a clearer picture.
Later that day Lily and I had a conversation about it. I didn’t pretend that nothing happened, I genuinely was not even aware of my actions. She told me what happened, and I apologized in person and grasped the severity of the situation. She told me that she would get over it, and that we would move on.
I followed up that conversation by writing her an email - I wanted to say more things in person but I communicate better through writing as it’s easier for me to convey my thoughts.
In the email to her I acknowledge what happened, and wanted to hold myself accountable. I did also recognize the severity of my actions, especially the fact that I moved her into the house to leave a toxic environment but then betrayed her trust afterwards.
This violation of my own personal morals will go on to haunt me to this day.
Further in the email, I offered to resign as her manager, and to move out of the house - I did not want her to feel any discomfort.
She again told me she still wanted to work together and move on from the incident.
I saw this as an opportunity to redeem myself, I am forever grateful to Lily for giving me that second chance. In retrospect - I was naive to believe that she would feel comfortable with me after that, and the right move would have been to leave the house immediately, as well as resign as her manager against her words. As I learned recently- she just suppressed her emotions, and hides them well.
If I ever got a sense she was uncomfortable with me around, I would have immediately left the house. Interacting with her in our content, as well as in real life - it led me to believe everything was OK. She became friends with my wife Pecca, came out to play piano at our wedding, we had lunches and dinners regularly, took another trip to Taiwan together with the house. If she was uncomfortable with me or unable to face me, I did not detect that feeling. Again, I was too naive to understand she was minimizing things.
I got a tattoo of the date I returned to LA on my wrist, this was not a way to minimize what had happened, but was a way to hold myself accountable for what I did. It not only serves as a reminder that I lose control when I drink, but also to remind myself of that night. I was determined to never let myself forget, and I never will. I still look at the tattoo to this day and cringe about what I did.
The tattoo was effective: I didn’t have a sip of alcohol for a long time including my bachelor party, and the wedding itself with an open bar. (This may not be a huge accomplishment for most people, but for me was an important milestone in my recovery). She came over to my house after the wedding with the rest of OTV to play mafia all night: that was my proudest moment, conquering my drinking problem along with having someone who I wronged be a part of my life in what I thought was a healthy way of healing.
Nothing changes for me today despite everything that has come out, I will continue to do what I’ve been doing the past 3 years since the incident: hold myself accountable, learn, grow, and move forward. In addition to controlling my drinking, I have consistently done therapy to understand my actions to make myself a better person. One thing I learned is wallowing in self guilt does nothing good, but I use that energy and channel it into something positive I want to bring into the world: Pecca and I are starting a family and are welcoming a baby boy in October which I cannot wait for, I certainly will pass on all these lessons to him when he’s old enough.
I understand the hatred coming my way, it’s all justifiable and I won’t argue against it - if it’s any consolation for the people reading this, my hatred for myself and my actions far outweigh anything I’ve ever felt in my life. The anxiety, low self esteem, and paranoia have been with me for 3 long years, now with everything out in the open.
Again, this isn’t a defense to what I did, this isn’t a way to minimize sexual assault - I hold myself 100% accountable for my actions. I hope this gives more clarity in the context of the incident.
I also want to offer my sincere apologies to my audience, I have let you all down, and do not expect your forgiveness. I will work on myself as I have in the past 3 years, and hope to be better.
- Chris Chan
PS: For those claiming I am gaslighting Lily to take down her post, she took down the post voluntarily and I never asked for her to do that - I was surprised when I found out she did. It’s one of those situations where if we talk to her about some of the inaccuracies it looks like I’m trying to hide something, and if I don’t talk to her about the inaccuracies that it’s just going to paint an uglier picture of the situation. I hope from these details it becomes more clear why this post is important.
To be clear, I AM NOT HIDING ANYTHING, I admit that I did what I did.
PPS. There isn’t an apology to Lilypichu in this letter because I have done that privately, Twitlonger is not the place for that.