PawsTTV

Paws · @PawsTTV

28th Jun 2020 from TwitLonger

my story and thoughts


Reading so many stories over the week made me sad and it brought up so many memories.
I've always been trusting and gave the benefit of the doubt to everyone.
I've always been closer to guys than girls also.
I don't really know how to word what I want to say, but I'll try and make some sense, bear with me.
I've had my fair share of abuse and being treated differently because I was a girl, both in real life and online. I won't go over every case. I'm not ready to share it all.


Here's a story from when I was 15:

I loved raiding in WoW and wanted to join the top guild of the server. I applied and one of the officers messaged me about my application.
He then told me that as a girl, the only way for me to join their ranks is to satisfy all the officers and that another girl (he mentioned her name and I knew she was part of their guild) gave them blowjobs and got a raid spot.
I told him to fuck off and that I will never join a guild that wants me to do that. He then proceeded to insult my looks (called me a black teethed gypsy romanian) and act enraged.
I reported it and he was banned. This was the first experience I've had with someone online "using" their power.

That's a TLDR of the story, with names left out because it was something handled from the past. I mention it because these kind of things happen.
Sometimes these things happen without us realizing. Sometimes people are vague and subtle and hint at it.
Asking someone how they can be "blind" or not realize it is a fair question, but insensitive. I don't blame people from asking and trying to understand.
Looking from the outside, it's a lot easier to see it happen.
When someone you look up to asks you if you want to grab a bite with them or even notices you, it can lead to things you don't expect.
Because you don't expect things to go sexual when asked. Or you shouldn't. Or maybe you should nowadays, who knows.
I'm jaded - I just assume the worst. I miss out opportunities and decline help because of what I've been through (to clarify - not the wow story).
Is this how we should all be? Assume grabbing a bite with someone means more?

Anyway, let's continue to another story, this time one that didn't happen online:

My best friend (at that time) woke me up from my sleep by trying to give me oral sex. I stopped him and alerted our teacher (we were abroad) who downplayed it due to both of us being ~16. My former "bestie" who betrayed my trust didn't apologize to me until 3 years later. My boyfriend at the time wanted to beat the shit out of him. My parents asked me if I want to press charges. I didn't because I didn't want to ruin his life, but it sucks when your trust is betrayed by someone close in such a way.
I mention this because some comments came my way (like this one: "What do you know about abuse? You live a comfortable princess life playing video games for a living" ) and I wanted to clarify that.
Everyone faced some sort of hardship in their life. Don't assume you know me or anyone just because we don't bring it up. For some, it's physical abuse. For some, it's emotional. For most, it's both.

Now - the reason why I wanted to post this in the first place. I love Path of Exile and for the most part, its community. But I believe that some part of the Twitch community remains that feeds on toxicity and negativity and that it's not ok to let it be and turn a blind eye.

Let me start by saying - most of the PoE community is amazing. They have been supporting, kind and good friends.
I took a break from the game because I am burned out and I needed a mental break from everything. This break has nothing to do with what I am about to say. But there have been times where I wanted to quit. It would've been easier than to endure so much hate.

When I started streaming, there weren't many girl streamers in the community.
I've had my fair share of trolls and demeaning comments. I remember getting hosted by one of the bigger streamers at the time and getting mocked by the streamer himself that I "didn't augment" the box before opening it (for those that have no clue of the game lingo - I wasn't being efficient) and the community joining in on the "let's shit on the new girl and her build" train.
I remember seeing girl streamers get bullied out of the community.

I actually tried to help twice. One time, the girl just sided with the trolls, saying it's all fun and games. She quit shortly after she saw the mean things they did/said on Discord.

The second time - I gave advice and helped her cope with things as she was the one who reached out to me.She asked how I handle it, how I shrug off all the things people throw at us.
She noticed that I sometimes didn't have my webcam on anymore. I never told her the full story as to why. Needless to say, talking to her made me realize that there are some toxic people in Path of Exile too.

Every community has them of course and Path of Exile is no exception. It took until the days of Baked streaming to see it clearly. That period was among the worst for me because I was also stalked at the time and DDOS'ed and doxxed.

He got partnered and gathered an entire pool of "trolls" and people who "meme'ed" , that called the efforts of others "dumpster, traysh" and what not.
His Discord was even worse, with absolutely no moderation or control. If his stream used to have porn links, I'll let you imagine what his Discord was like.
It was a struggle and a pain to get any kind of action taken against his community. It was used to spread extremely vile pictures, as well as private information on me. It took over 2 months to get something remotely done about it.

Needless to say, the harassment that female streamers received was disgusting. I was a "bigger streamer" back then and he'd mock me by calling me a pillar of the community after I was on a podcast and making fun of how wrong we all are in how we view the game and play it. (This was and to a degree, is still a thing - where people feel the need to judge how you play the game, but thankfully less so nowadays).
Another streamer picked up on that and would greet me with the same thing.
I remember he hosted (raided) me and his community kept trying to get me to increase the size of my webcam and lewd it up.
I remember how he'd end streams and say "let's host a titty streamer".
I remember that the other girl streamer was also struggling with this (she can decide if she wants to comment on this or not, I will not disclose her name here).
I remember how one girl streamer was harassed and mocked and belittled constantly for her voice. How the streamer encouraged his community to be toxic towards her. How the whole "titty streamer" attitude was all a joke and for fun. But it's not funny when you're on the receiving end. When you validate this type of behavior.

One of the more vocal members of that community pretended for a year to be my friend. He had a second Twitch account for it. He would laugh behind my back and make fun of me.
Either him or someone else there would send me messages on Twitch about the horrible things people said about me in other chats/in Discord.
I've been called names, I've been called anorexic. I've been photoshopped among other girls and pictures were spread of us in weird sexual poses.
I had a period where I just refused to turn my webcam on. I went from being myself to being careful. I distanced myself and while I still streamed, I wasn't the same.
People still say that I see the worst in their words. I laugh, but it's true. That person pretending to be my friend for a year really did a number there.
He also masterfully used the toxic part of the community to troll all the girl streamers and some of the smaller streamers in PoE.
I laughed with him at some of the things he said, at some of the trolls stuff he did. But a joke or two about how "x build is shit" is not equal to posting photoshopped nudes of girls on Discord and insulting them.

I remember lies being told about us girls. Rumors being spread.
I remember getting messaged about how I had to suck the dick of the males who hosted me, because why else would they host me. Being called a cheap whore.
Back then, Twitch had the "email" feature. Let's not get started with those. People straight up telling me to go die for getting too close to their favorite male streamer (just because they hosted my channel. I didn't even ask for it :/ )
I remember the "pillar of the community" thing being picked up by another streamer also. It still makes me sick hearing it so I stay away. Because it brings up memories of my stalker and of the "baked" times.
I remember the jokes about "Dick Lara" because people felt it was funny during race commentary to mispronounce her Twitch ID. We go along with the jokes. What else can we do? Alienate ourselves?

I am not the only female streamer to say this - a small, but very vocal part of the Twitch PoE community makes us not want to stream the game.
One streamer was harassed and threatened to stay away from PoE. She was doxxed into quitting. Another loves the game, but stays away due to the community.
I've been chatting to them for years now. Some have come and gone, some moved on to other games, some vanished. A few remain.
It feels like no matter what we do, there will always be negative comments, extra scrutiny, people expecting us to be "titty streamers" and judgement.
And while that is something we have to overcome and handle in our respective channels, it doesn't help when other streamers encourage their community via jokes or by being indifferent to it happening.
I believe we need to do better to prevent it from happening to others. There is a reason why there are not many female streamers for Path of Exile and it's not the game difficulty.

It also doesn't help that Path of Exile itself does nothing to help with harassment and stalking.
A person is allowed to add you without your agreement to their friends list and see where/what you're doing at all times in-game.
The only reply I ever received when I was harassed in-game was "to ignore them". Even when they took my Twitch username to impersonate me and lie to others about their identity.

So this is a post about the past.
I hope it makes the future better.

I'd tell you more stories, but I think that's enough for a night. I'm exhausted and sad.

Thanks for reading my thoughts,
Paws
























Reply · Report Post