yvonne 🌸 · @yvonnie

28th Jun 2020 from TwitLonger

my truth

I wanna start this off by saying, Fed was the first friend I felt like I made at OfflineTV. He was very welcoming and I spent the most time with him out of everyone. We got along really well and quickly became really really good friends. We would go on late night food runs, and watched movies together in my room since I had a TV. He fell asleep frequently there and it became a pretty normal thing. We always stayed on our sides of the bed, and nothing ever really happened...until it did.

I was lying in bed with all the lights off. The door opened and Fed came in, drunk from going out that night. He crawled into my bed and laid there for a bit. Then he grabbed my hand and held it...and I didn’t move at all cause I was shocked. He then brushed my hand against his cheek, and kissed it after. I was still in a state of shock, trying to process what's happening, because this guy is supposed to be my friend. He also knew I had a boyfriend at the time. Next, he stuck his hand inside my sleeve, and touched my side next to my chest. And although it wasn't exactly my chest, it was close enough to make me feel extremely uncomfortable, and feel like that was not a place where a friend should be touching me. I still couldn't move at this point, and in my head I was just begging for him to not go any further, praying he would stop there. He did, retracted his hand, and made it seem like he was sleeping. 10 minutes later he 'woke up' and said “whoa how'd I get here.” I asked, “do you remember anything?” and he said no and left my room.

The next day I went up to his room and asked if he remembered what happened last night. He said no. I told myself that if he forgot, then maybe he didn't know what he was doing because he was drunk, and I didn't wanna bring it up because I didn't wanna make it weird between us. A few weeks later, I was lying in bed again, and he came in drunk, again. He laid down next to me and told me he was sorry for what happened last time, and that he overstepped boundaries. So then I thought to myself, did he remember this whole time, and lied about it...? I didn't say anything, and 10 minutes later - he did it AGAIN - minus the t-shirt part. Again, I'm scared to say anything and he fell asleep next to me. The next day he also acted like nothing ever happened - and I asked him at some point if he remembered anything, and he said no - again.

I kept this secret to myself for a very very long time. The only people I could tell were my boyfriend at the time and a close friend of mine, and out of respect for me they didn't tell anyone. I felt like if I told anyone at OTV, the world would come crashing down, and that OTV would die/cease to exist, so I never did. I minimized it A LOT, and carried on throughout my days as usual, but small things in me started changing without me realizing it. I started avoiding Fed more - I went from hanging out with him all the time to almost never. I tunneled into League because it felt easy to be 'busy' in a game so he couldn't talk to me or bother me. It became the easiest way to avoid him - being addicted to a game.

One day I told him what happened between us, and he said he didn't remember/know it happened. He proceeded to say he was a horrible person, and I felt bad and started comforting him. I will always remember that one of the first things he asked me after he found out was: "did you tell anyone?" and proceeded to panic when he felt like people could know. I also told him that my boyfriend at the time, Sean, doesn't blame him and knows he isn't a bad person deep down, in which he responded "yeah it's in his best interest not to" ???? (which it wasn't by the way - Sean is just a super nice guy who tried to be understanding and give him the benefit of the doubt). He said all these things but never once did he apologize to me after learning about the situation that he 'forgot.' Thinking back, his thought process was super messed up, because he was more worried about people finding out, than how he hurt me.

I minimized it so so so much, that I would forget at times it even happened in the first place. It was weird cause there were certain times where he could trigger me, but other times seeing him was fine. It triggered me when he'd knock on my door, barely waiting, and despite no response he'd just come in. I remember I tried locking my door a few times and he gave me a hard time for doing so - "why the fuck is your door locked." Multiple times where he'd come in at night without me saying he could - everyone else in the house always knocks and waits for a response, but not him. It also triggered me whenever he'd walk into my room, jump into my bed and start going on his phone, but again I minimized, minimized, minimized, and honestly felt really bad for feeling that way towards him.

I kept this all to myself mostly because I didn't want to ruin the peace, I wanted to avoid the situation, and I thought he would change after what happened with me.

He didn't. He proceeded to overstep boundaries with other girls in our friend group, and each girl kept it to themselves cause they would just think 'oh it's just fed' or 'he was just lonely/drunk.'

He even did it to Lily (she gave me permission to share this.) When she was going through her hard breakup with Albert, Fed also walked into her room while she was drunk. She was laying down and he asked if she wanted a massage. She said sure, and he started off massaging her leg, and then up her thighs. A week or so later, he was drunk and laid down next to her, and told her he liked her. She then felt uncomfortable with everything, and he asked her to not tell anyone what happened. Again thinking back, it felt like he tried to take advantage of Lily when she was in a really vulnerable state.

One night the girls were hanging out together, and when the topic of Fed came up, we realized we all had our stories about him. Whether it was him lying about certain situations to be in his favor, or lying to us about girls leading him on when he was the one who got rejected, or manipulating us to have certain ideas of people/situations. Poki especially suffered a lot from this, and I’ll let her explain if she chooses to do so.

The stories shared were mainly of Fed overstepping boundaries, being overly touchy, in which we all thought were ‘just Fed things.’ We thought it was fine because we told ourselves ‘that’s just how he is.’ As we shared each of our stories, we realized - it was not fine. When all the sexual harassment/abuse stories started coming out on twitter, my coping mechanism just broke. I couldn’t minimize it anymore, and I suddenly felt everything that happened crashing down on me all at once. I couldn't ignore it any longer, and realized what happened was not okay. It couldn't be swept under the rug. I didn't want to see him, talk to him, or work with him. The pattern of problematic behavior led us to decide that we needed to have an intervention with him to get him to realize he needs to change for the better. So we all sat down together as a group, and everyone started sharing with Fed how he once hurt them. It was extremely emotional with a lot of crying, and at the end of it he seemed very apologetic and understood what he had done wrong. This was the first time he apologized to me about everything, and it did feel really nice to hear. I genuinely felt super happy that it seemed like Fed was very accepting of everything and willing to be better. I wasn’t planning on releasing any statement from my end, but unfortunately his behavior since then made me feel like he wasn’t really sorry. His actions and words showed he was still avoiding responsibility, that his priority was still himself and his career, versus being a better person and resolving the hurt he caused us.

My intention for this statement is not to destroy him, but to warn other girls about his behavior, and how he pushes boundaries using alcohol as an excuse for his actions. He needs to be held accountable for his actions, learn from his mistakes, and not avoid them like how he was trying to again this time around. I don’t think Fed is a bad person, but we all made excuses for his behavior for a long time now because we truly loved him as a friend. Even despite all this, ultimately what I’d want in the end would be to see him taking steps towards getting help, and striving to be a better person.

A few things I would like people to keep in mind:
- everyone in OTV helped me IMMENSELY throughout all this, they went through great measures to make sure I was okay and that I would be okay in the future as well.
- When they learned of this they NEVER asked me to be silent, in fact they tried their best to stand up for me and speak for me when I didn't know how to approach this. They made me feel comfortable and empowered to speak my truth, because I would've felt too scared otherwise.
- It may not be possible, but I would like it if people could refrain from shitting on OTV/negative comments. I would appreciate that a lot because everyone there helped me the most throughout this entire thing. It would really hurt to read awful comments towards the people I tried so hard to protect.
- Lastly, please remember that FED IS HUMAN, and refrain from extremely hurtful comments that I know he's going to receive. Words can have a very scary impact, and again I want to emphasize that my intention with this statement is not to destroy him. I just felt a strong need to speak my truth and put a warning out there to other women until he does get better. I don't believe he's a bad person deep down, he is someone that even to this day I can't help but care about, and things would honestly be a lot easier if I didn't.

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