jasmina · @jasminabae
26th Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
Some clarifications to my last post.
I’ve been reflecting on my post and wish I had done this sooner but ultimately, I wish I had taken my time with my first post. I regret that I didn’t take the time to think what I was really writing/how people will perceive things. My intentions weren’t to out people which is why I didn’t include names but to just move on with my life and from this trauma. I understand that because I withheld information, it will deem me to look not genuine. I am not trying to convince everyone but rather just give a more in depth side of my story because I chose to put this in public.
It’s come to my attention that DM’s between us will be posted, these DM’s will not bring me to the best of light but absorb it as you choose. After the initial incident happened and how he tried to play the good guy to convince me he’s trying to right his wrong, I take fault in choosing to keep him around. My reasoning for this is because if he potentially decided to harm himself, I didn’t want to be the reason why especially because he decided to tell me about his passed away ex. I will take fault in that I was very naive back then, I would actually just give my address out to people blindly because I would put too much trust in them. I’ve learned from my mistakes, I’ve learned from my trauma, I’ve learned how to say no and avoid putting myself in these situations but regardless, his actions were not excusable. As I said in the initial post, he confessed to me to which I acknowledged and said I have a boyfriend, to which he understood.
He gave me attention. I liked the attention he gave me especially because I was in a long distance relationship where my boyfriend would be busy all the time. I was severely depressed and had low self esteem and anytime a guy would give me attention, I liked it. It’s a fault that I would like to correct and have worked hard in correcting. I started to reciprocate little by little and eventually got very comfortable with him. I have said some things I regret but at the end of the day, I didn’t want anything else besides his friendship. I will admit that I flirted back with him and own up to being emotionally invested in him while I was with my boyfriend, however given the incident happened flirting was not difficult to ask of. At the end of the day, it was not consensual, he did not respect my words (or me), so I froze and caved in.
I’ve read countless articles and stories of why victims choose to stay with their abusers, I really wanted to understand why myself because on paper, I really didn’t understand it and to this day, I have a bit more of an understanding but I still don’t because I’m capable of thinking logically. In my mind, he wronged me but I still gave him the benefit of the doubt. Any logical person would simply end it, Yes, it’s easy to say if someone hurts you, walk away. If you’re uncomfortable, just leave but unfortunately it’s not that easy and if you’ve not experienced it, it is a hard thing to understand. I understand in that I shouldn’t have let him in my house, should have cut him out of my life, shouldn’t have put myself in that situation but I can’t emphasize how much I wish it was the case and how much I wish I had done so. I trusted him despite the fact that I was aware of his feelings because I felt like his intentions were good and I feel like I shouldn’t be faulted for trusting him. I feel ashamed because I hurt someone I really cared about in the process but I still stand by what I initially posted. No means no.
I understand that regardless of anything I say or show, there will still be people to blame me for it. I have been blaming myself for allowing myself to be in that situation in the first place for the last 3 years, trust me, I know. My close friends can attest to that I’m not the person I was 3 years ago, I’ve become more reserved when it comes to meeting people on the internet, going on 1on1s, and more willing to call people out on their bad behaviours as apposed to just letting them walk all over me.