Shana Perzynski · @NightsEndDota
25th Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
3 Lans 3 Experiences
I want to take a second to say a sincere thank you for giving me a place to just get some of these things out. It has been a long time since I thought about any of these things, but everyone coming out about their experiences in the last few days has made it seem like the time to finally talk about how I have been feeling for years. I know that my experiences pale in comparison to some of the horrific things that other people have been through, that alone has made it hard for me to even want to talk about it.
I got my first small dip into esports in 2014 at MLG Columbus. I went into this event with the understanding that I would maybe be able to interview the very popular Na’Vi squad after reaching out to their social media manager. I couldn’t have been more excited, I had just joined a new website, bought a VIP ticket to the closest event to my city and reached as high as I thought I could at the time trying to just get a start. Watching the dota and taking notes on games was great, but I felt very out of place and not welcome at this hybrid CS:Go/ DOTA 2 event. I met many personalities and players over that weekend, and made what I thought were friends with some of them. On the second day hanging out in the VIP lounge area in the middle of the room I caught more than a few people pointing at me and laughing. It wasn’t subtle and it wasn’t hard to figure out what was being said about me. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt or upset by blatantly being made fun of in a crowded room, but it got worse when a few of the people followed me asking questions about my appearance, what I would do for them if they could introduce me to whomever I was there trying to meet, and making gestures that made me feel pretty sick. I was there trying to start what I wanted to make into a career, I didn’t want people to make me out to be some floozy or whore who needed to sleep with people in order to get to just talk to professionals.
One of the boys in that group got his hand down my tanktop before I could get myself away from all of them. I hid myself in the bathroom at the Columbus Convention Center for a good hour, just sitting on the toilet waiting until I thought they would be gone so I could try to get myself out there to watch some more games. I sat in the front row watching Na’Vi play Fnatic and the squad that SingSing and Aui2000 were one at the time, but I couldn’t focus all I could do was keep looking around myself trying not to run into those people again. I paid 250$ for that ticket and after that experience I never entered the carpeted area for VIPS again, I didn’t take advantage of the money or opportunities there because I was so afraid that something might happen again.
I did get my start at that event, I was able to meet some of my favorite players to this day and even scored an interview with Akke. I still have the information up online and the comments on the post from that experience will never not make me sick. I was a fresh out of the mental hospital 22 year old who just wanted to make something of themselves, and I had every flaw I could think of thrown back at me. I will never forget the place that those comments put me in. I pretended to be strong on the internet and responded to a handful of the vitriol that was thrown at me, but I was broken down and contemplated giving up on all of my dreams right then and there.
My next event was TI4, I went to this event as a VIP with Bulba’s ex girlfriend. I was there to just be the keeper or the forgotten one. We shared a hotel room, or were supposed to share a hotel room that I spent a lot of time by myself in. That event started out great. The group stages were spent meeting people and even reconnecting with some of the pros that I had met months before. A few of them remembered me and even entertained the idea that I was memorable for my demeanor or questions, but in the back of my mind I wondered if some of it had to do with what had happened in Columbus or because I was the fat friend. I spent a lot of the event trying to figure out why people were being nice to me, if I was just going to be the butt of peoples jokes again or if it would get worse and be physical.
I knew I was the butt of peoples jokes because of who I was and it only got worse after a conversation with Kelly when she told me to not hold on to my dreams of working in esports and just learning how to not want to do things for the game even if I loved it. People would always take advantage of people who were wanting to help. I didn’t listen to her and I wish that I had. I would have saved myself a lot of sadness when I fell out of a job in the scene a year and a half later. Later that night some players wanted to stay around and I offered to stay in the upstairs area with them to deal a few hands of Poker. I remember sitting down to deal and Sneyking and Qojqva were among the people hanging back to play with some more NA players. They were all joking about how women were already trying to sleep with them and how easy it would be to get whomever they wanted. Someone asked me who I slept with to get here making a joke about how Diana had gotten here because of Sam. I sat there stunned for what felt like a long time, before I could even try to answer Sam and Diana showed up and talk like that kind of ended. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t have just loved the game and spent the 500$ on the VIP ticket to be at an event that I had only dreamed of before. I left the room feeling sick with myself, like I had done something wrong just by being there.
The rest of the event was kind of a blur for me, my friends came and went as they networked and saw friends. I got to hang out with some wonderful talent and background people. I spent time at The Westin to hang out with people but constantly felt like I just didn’t belong there, I wasn’t all over anyone all I wanted to do was listen to discussions on the game, music, and even some banter between friends. I just didn’t belong. I wasn’t comfortable with myself and it showed, it made me stand out more because I never made an advance on anyone. I never tried to be “that girl” and I never would. The after party for TI4 was uncomfortable. I was the babysitter to two girls who were drinking too much and I had to make sure that men would stop following them around the museum esque area that Valve had rented out for their open bar after party. I was warned that even though I was the ugly big friend that someone would still try to get me to sleep with them in hopes that they could score points with my more attractive friends. I had to watch who I interacted with to make sure that no one tried to proposition me as some weird bargaining chip while also making sure that my two friends were never left alone with someone they didn’t know. It was exhausting and I saw more than one man try to force himself on women in that crowded space. To many bodies, to many drunk people, and not enough people paying attention to anything.
Ti5’s after party was worse than 4’s more drunk people and a lot more people walking around like they had been drugged. This one I was a lot more afraid I went to the after party as a guest to the website that I was doing interviews and giveaways for. The men that I worked with and for were amazing. They treated me like I was valued and valuable, but I still couldn’t escape the people making me out to be a sacrifice. I was in the upstairs lounge talking to a few people when someone bumped into me and threw their arms around my shoulders. I instantly tensed up, I don’t like being touched unless I initiate it, it takes a lot for me to want to be touched by someone. This man who came off as drunk clutched unto my shoulder and started trying to bring me with him to “meet someone”, when I tried to pry myself away it was like he was sober and angry that I wouldn’t just do what he wanted. I froze and looked at his face. Someone I had never met before was looking at me angry that I wouldn’t just do what he wanted. If it weren’t for one of the highground guys coming over to introduce me to someone something terrible would have happened. I could tell by the way he looked at me I wouldn’t have left that area okay. I pointed him out to the people I was with and watched him from the lower floor the rest of the night he came down near me and one of the girls I was standing with and just said ‘soon’ next to my ear as he reached over my shoulder grazing my breast to get one of the bartender's attention. I left not long after that, I’d only been there maybe two hours but used an early in the day flight as an excuse to go back to the air bnb so I could go shove myself in a corner and cry.
I know my experiences don’t really mean anything when it comes to everything that people have and are going through, but I needed to get some of these things out. I have hidden most of them from the people that I cared about most. I try to talk about the good and funny things, but all of these stories coming to light have made me realize that what I went through isn’t okay even if it “isn’t that bad”. TI5 was the last event I was ever able to go to, I spent a long time hoping I would be able to get back into the game and go back to work but like many people I have just ceased to exist. I am a fringe person who will barely be remembered if I am lucky I will be remembered as the overly passionate interviewer who just wanted to make friends, but the impression I am sure has been left behind is the closed off fat girl who wouldn’t just be the easy lay when someone needed it.