here goes - trigger warning

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!! Trigger warning !!

I was maybe 5-6. Not sure when my mother remarried, but we visited my step dads parents (step grandparents) in their trailer in Florida. I am unsure of what the occasion was. I think my parents wanted to go out or something so my step uncle said he would stay back and watch me. We were watching a movie on the tv. I was laying on the floor and he was laying on the couch. He tapped me on my leg and whispered to come over to him so I got up and stood there waiting. He had pulled his pants down and showed me his genitals. I didn't know what that was or why he was showing me that. He asked me "what do you think?" I didn't know how to think about it or how to respond to it so I just stood there for a second trying to find a response. He then invited me to touch it, but he heard a door open, and he quickly brought up his pants and told me to just lay on the floor. Confused, I laid back down on the floor and continued to watch the movie that was playing. Some time passed and I fell asleep on the floor while watching the movie. I woke up to him touching me. I will spare you and myself the details of what followed. Then, he told me not to tell anyone. I was afraid he would kill me or something.

Fast forward a bit - I remember an instance afterward where my parents dropped me off at my step uncles apartment. It made me uncomfortable to go there and I expressed that I didn't want to go. My mom was trying to convince me to go by saying that Kyle and his other son (I forget his name) would be there and it would be fun. She knew I liked them cos they were nice and would play with me. I asked my mom if Aunt Reece would be there because I knew I would feel more comfortable if my aunt was there. I got there and things were pretty normal. I was just playing with Kyle and his brother with the tv on. Now that I am older and understand this shit, I'm letting you know this part is fucking weird so you can just skip to the next paragraph, if you feel. We were playing hide and seek. He would take turns hiding in the room with each of us. He went into the room with one of his sons and then his son would come out and say something like "your turn to play." I was hesitant, but they were encouraging me, "It's your turn to hide!" I think I looked over to Aunt Reece, it didn't seem too scary so I went into the room and hid under the bed. He closed the door and sparing you the details, he crawled under the bed too and it happened again. I don't even know if there is a word for this, but it was massively uncomfortable and embarrassing. He told me to keep it a secret again. I was scared he would find me and kill me if I said anything, or kill my family.

Every time we had a family gathering from that point on, I asked if he would be there, cos I didn’t want to see him or be around him. In some cases, I had to go to the family events because I couldn't be left home alone. When I had to go, I would keep an eye on where he was and would try to stay very far from him. I would only be in areas where there were people. There would be times where he would sneak up behind me to say hi - I would get startled and quickly walk away silently. I also begged to sleep in the same bed with my parents when we stayed over. It gave me incredible anxiety.

The part that makes me so angry about this is that he did it to all his sons, my older step sister, neighbor’s kids. AND his wife knew about how he abused children.

Now that I am older and can look at all this now, this was some fcked up stuff. So fcked up, it was so hard to write this out. I cried for a couple hours. Carrying this with me through my childhood (some adulthood) was difficult especially while dealing with such big losses in my life. The worst part is, I didn't even know this shit was fcked up. I had to learn how fcked up it was, and learn some other things too and that this isn't normal. I saw the world so differently than everyone else and sometimes I still see it differently.

Sharing this story was a difficult decision. I didn't want to feel like this was just another one to add to the increased attention around this - leading to fear of ridicule and judgement that overflows to friends that surround me. I wasn't sure if sharing this would even do anything good. I know for a fact there are so many more unheard stories because a LOT of girls have told me. It is scary how common it is and that’s really really sad.

We fear to speak up because we want to look strong and beautiful, not pitied and abused. Why? Why do we feel like that? I have a lot of trouble with this too.

I’d like to share some things that I have learned through the process after years and years of keeping quiet and avoiding the truth, because it hurts less, feels less ashamed that you were just used, tossed aside and manipulated to silence.

For me - When it came to abuse (physical, mental, emotional, sexual, all types), there are some very core things I either didn't learn or have forgotten.

1. You forget trust - including people, yourself, life in general - therefore you develop unhealthy coping habits.
2. You forget your value. This is something that has taken me until this year to remember.

So for all you out there, I want to say this:
Remember your value. You can remember it in silence, or speak up if you want to BUT remember your value. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of good people around you, and you are worthy of a life filled with happiness. You are just worthy <3

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For those who are reading this and feeling angry, good. I think it means you have a heart and hopefully being informed of these things help you to understand others better. If you are wondering how to be there for your friends that have experienced abuse - be patient, be kind, be respectful, remind them when they forget their worth, spend some time with them. My personal favorite is when my friends make me laugh ^^~

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