Nacurro · @tinylinah
24th Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
My experience at Ubisoft Massive (TW: Sexual Assault)
I honestly don't know how to put my experiences into words, how to phrase it so people would get a glimpse of understanding. I have thought about talking about this many times and you would think after six years, I would already have done it. I'm terrified of being called a liar, cancelled and hated, but that's a risk I'm willing to take. I need to do this for myself so I can find closure.
A lot of people are coming forward with their stories of sexual assault, and it has been strengthen and inspiring to me. Sharing your story extends a network of support for survivors. And now is the right time to share my experience with predatory behaviour in the gaming industry, because it has been eating me from the inside every single day and night. You can't keep that much stress, sadness and hate in you, eventually you must evacuate the steam.
I have experienced different types of abuse that I believed for a long time was "normal" but realised it was traumatic later in my life. Manipulations, gas lighting, controlling, stalking, harassment and rape in a relationship. My mind couldn't comprehend what was happening to me and it went on a survival mode. Lock it away and pretend it never happened. Eventually you break down as a human being. Your skin as layered protection gets peeled off, and you stand left naked, alone and small. Insignificant. This piece of background information is important to understand, because my future decisions are made of the lack of confidence, self-esteem and fear.
I was 20 years old and I finally got into higher education, I was going to proceed a career within the gaming industry. With hard work and determination, I got into Ubisoft Massive in 2014 for an internship. Yes, getting closer to my dream job as Community Manager. I met the Community Development team leader in the interview. He got impressed that I could speak petite French and everything felt great. He was very competent in his field and I wanted to soak in all the experience as a sponge, I was so exited that I was going to work on an upcoming AAA game!
As the weeks progressed and settled in I started to make friends. I started to see him as a friend too alongside with the other intern that sat beside me. There wasn't many female co-workers my age. The whole team was around ten people, but it was mostly us three hanging out after work, almost everyday. I was in a relationship at the time, the other intern had a fiance and our team leader had his girlfriend back in France. We all had an understanding, we had good banter and enjoyed our after works. The three of us started to become closer. He was 10 years older than me.
I cared a lot about other peoples opinions and being on the good side with everyone. I brought cookies to my floor on my first day at work and my team leader was in a meeting with the rest of the team. I messaged in a group chat that everyone was free to grab one bite. When they were done with their meeting my team leader approached me, told me off that I should've waited until they were finished and not offered it to anyone else but our team. I felt I'd done something horribly wrong.
However this was a minor thing and I tried to keep up the good work because I knew he would evaluate me and my school project I was working on the side. We had small personal meetings to talk about my progress and we often went to the kitchen or other spaces where no one was around. He started to touch my hands, complementing my nail polish, my looks and eventually this became an everyday thing. I told myself that he just wanted the best for me and he was just being nice to me, that I should be grateful for this opportunity, though in hindsight I realise that I mostly felt very pressured to keep my new friend with many industry connections happy.
He started to hold my hand in secret, touch me and eventually it proceeded to kissing me, literally French kissing. Not just the one kiss on each cheek. He would stop the elevator when we were alone and kiss me. We texted a lot and our friendship turned flirtatious very quickly. Everything started to be secretive with us. I was now so far deep in it all that I didn’t know how to tell him that I didn’t want that, and continued to humour him.
He started to control me, and I didn't even notice it at first. I was not allowed to befriend other guys at the studio and gave me comments like; "you shouldn't", "I don't recommend", "I don't like them" so on. He wanted me for himself and I felt like I was his toy. This was something that took me years to come to terms with. I felt many times that it was fully my fault for how he behaved because I never spoke up, or stood up for myself, but in reality he made me feel like I had no choice. I was scared of losing a friend, but also of angering someone so well connected in the industry when I had barely got even a toe in the door. He definitely knew that, and used it. It was intimidating and left me mentally scrambling, and so I humoured him and flirted back to keep the peace. It almost felt like a Stockholm Syndrome situation going on.
We hung out basically everyday when he was in Sweden, he sometimes had to go to Paris for some work related stuff. We drank a lot at the bars and he invited me over to his apartment. I blindly trusted him as again, he's my team leader. He was going to decide my grades for my school project and I can't fail my thesis. We watched a movie and eventually... I don't want to go into details, but it's not hard to figure out what we did next. Being in this vulnerable position was hard to cope with, as I was alone in this. I had an abusive mother that didn't care, an absent father and I absolutely didn't dare to tell my boyfriend at the time. I felt so ashamed, dirty and guilty. I felt this was wrong, but I had no guidance nor support anywhere. I didn't know better and I lost a part of me again.
Up to this date, he's following me on all my platforms. He's texting me now and then. Today he's the Director of Consumer Experience, yes he got promoted. I ended up depressed with chronic anxiety, I didn't finish my degree, had many different minor jobs far away from my passion, I moved far away from Ubisoft Massive Entertainment, got a daughter and I never got the chance to proceed a career within the gaming industry.
On top of all that, I got assaulted again at age 27, by another man in a public place, just two weeks ago. And now I have to get reminded all over again how little I am. The difference now, 6 years later, is that I reported this recent assault to the police. I stood up for myself and I regained control, even though I'm flooded with anxiety and post-traumatic memories.
That’s as much of this story as I’m willing to share right now. The incredible thing about being manipulated is that, even six years later, I still blame myself for everything. However, I learned recently - it wasn't my fault. I'm also truly sorry for those who have had to bear their experiences alone, in silence and in shame. It's never too late to speak about it, take your time. This is very real and very hard, but I hear you and I believe you. This changes you, and hopefully now for the better.
I'm not out for revenge or a manhunt but I'm done with protecting abusers. I'm done stay in silence and hide in shame. Keeping what he did a secret isn't going to help anyone, but him. Coming out with this story is incredibly hard and my pulse is so high right now. You can do what you want with this information, I just want to put this behind me for good. Thank you for listening.