TheCheshireKat · @cheshirekatTV
24th Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
TW: sexual assault
I'm not ready to share one of my stories of abuse and sexual assault but I feel forced to because of another streamers accusations against me.
This is a LONG story.
If at any time i seem like I'm "playing the victim" (as the person who subtweeted me likes to say) its because I was a victim of assault AND emotional abuse. And I do not GAIN anything by coming forward except for being able to put the truth out there.
In 2017 my great grandmother passed away the night after Christmas and it was the worst experience of my life. That was the first time I'd experienced death close to me and I was absolutely mentally broken. At that time I had 3 people I referred to as close friends, who I had met through Twitch.
January 2018 - I was invited to go to Chicago and stay with [her] and I had scheduled the trip before my gg had passed. It wasn't only me that went, my friend (who I won't name because her story is not mine to tell) also flew in from another state to stay with her. During that trip I was super emotionally vulnerable and we all talked about our history of abuse, neglect, emotional hurt, and i talked about my gg because that wound was still fresh. Also during that trip, she invited several guys she was friends with to hang out at her place and party with us.
After we all got back to our respective states I decided I needed a change of scenery, I couldn't stay in Texas where everything I looked at reminded me of my gg and so [she] invited me to go to Chicago and I was not at all ready to live by myself financially since I only had my savings and no job lined up there so she suggested I move in with her friend who lived in his parents house and then we could find an apartment together once I got all my things up there and found a job.
My other friend who had gone to Chicago and stayed with us decided to tell us her story of abuse from the man I was going to be living with which happened while we were all there together and I (being an absolute idiot) decided that it couldn't possibly have happened because he was so close to our other friend and had never assaulted her. No one in our friend group believed her and im still sickened by our behavior when she was brave enough to tell us to try to protect me... I'm still so sorry. I will always be so sorry for not believing [you].
So I packed my shit and left a stable relationship with a man I loved, to move accross the fucking US with some guy I barely knew who assaulted my friend. Youre probably asking, "why the fuck would anyone in their right mind do that???" Well I wasnt in my right mind, I was grieving and lost and empty and nothing felt okay and instead of coping I ran.
While moving to Chicago some of my things got lost in transit and for two weeks I only had whatever was packed in my car. Kyle would let me sleep in his bed and after a few nights I felt obligated to repay him for helping me move and giving me a place to stay so when he wanted sexual favors I gave him what he wanted and I think because of that he had the impression that consent was no longer needed because we had already slept together. I was not sexually attracted to him and I did not want to have sex with him but I also didn't want to be kicked out of the only place I had to live and I was afraid to tell my friends because I felt so dirty. When i decided to move in with Kyle I got an offer from LiveMe to be paid hourly if I streamed on their platform for a minimum # of hours a week and he assured me that I could make streaming my job at his parents because the room I'd be staying in was completely soundproof since it was a recording studio. Everything was fine when I first started out and I'd stream 12+ hours a day, in the afternoon I'd stream on LiveMe, then in the evening I'd stream on twitch. He would come into my room after stream and sleep in my bed and force himself on me nightly, so I started streaming 18+ hours a day, later and later into the night, hoping he'd fall asleep before i was done because i didn't want to sleep with him. It completely changed my sleep schedule so that I'd go to bed at 6am, wake up at noon, and stream all day and do it again. When that started happening and he no longer got to sleep with me he started complaining about the noise of me streaming late at night, so I did my best to be quiet but he said he could always hear me. When I asked him why it wasn't soundproof like he said before, he told me he needed to get things to make it soundproof and tried to get me to stop streaming late into the night... but when i refused he told me I could no longer live there and told me I had to leave. I knew the moment I stopped giving him the sexual favors he would force me out and he never intended to get an apartment with me, or if he did he thought we would be more than roommates. When i told my friends he was sexually agressive and kicked me out because I wouldn't have sex with him they immediately stopped being friends with him because we realized he was predatory all along. Some other people i thought were friends knew about the situation and remained friends with him afterwards and supported him. His name is itsyKyle.
After that I was mentally unstable for awhile, my insomnia was severe, I felt... miniscule, it still physically hurts when I'm intimate with my S/O, my body still feels gross to me even though its been 2 years. After what happened with Kyle I started to withdraw from everyone, I felt like the girl who convinced me it was a good idea to move didnt actually care because she never even offered me a home or a solution when I became homeless and after that I started to see our friendship as more of a means to an end for her.
Now, to address what shes saying about me:
(Since I clearly defined our friendship in my last twitlonger I'll add it here just in case you didn't get to see it, --- I had a group of "friends" once that qualified our friendship on the amount of engagement we all brought to the table. We had a specific night of the week where we would all play one game together and one channel would stream it while the other channels all hosted them, but we never played games offline together and I never understood why. We messaged periodically through a group chat but it was ALWAYS about numbers or talking about other streamers (I still feel terrible for participating in this and I've since done my best to make ammends) and that was our basis for friendship. I was building my Instagram at the time and I was constently asked to screenshot their posts and shout them out and if I didn't we had issues. I didn't use Twitter at the start of our friendship and I was pressured into utilizing it to boost them. I was told to turn on their notifications so that every time they posted I could like and retweet it and not to repost with comment because it hurts the original posts engagement. And they'd also boost my socials (because if I didn't grow how would they?) but our "friendship" was all based around gaining numbers and it was toxic. Sometimes I didn't agree with their posts and I would PRETEND I hadn't seen them because I was so afraid of losing their friendship and I knew if I didn't boost them they would be angry with me. When I got partnered on twitch I told them the same day but was berated for not telling them I applied, instead of celebrating with them it was almost like I got a lecture of how I sucked as a friend. I was so afraid of ending the friendship because I knew I'd be talked about, I knew I'd be thrown under the bus to other streamers, and I knew I'd have a super hard time disassociating myself from them. The point is, while I was friends with them, I NEVER saw their behavior as bad because I really thought "internet friends just do this for eachother" and here's the deal: that's not what friendship is about.)
#1 she says i took credit for her success.
i was a wildly broken person back when we were "friends" and even so I literally cannot imagine taking credit for someone's success even though they've used me to grow their platform, yes I do believe I was used, but no I dont think I was the reason she was successful.
#2 she says i blocked her because of negativity on twitter.
i never blocked her on Twitter because of negativity, i blocked her because right after she held a stream where I thought she was raising money to pay for medical bills (and I donated to help) she bought an $800 dog and it felt like I'd been deceived, so when I saw her complaining about more medical bills I couldn't do it anymore and I removed myself.
#3 she said i called her a "human pity parade"
I never told her she was a "human pity parade." I don't even know wtf that means
#4 she said i lied and victimized myself to people and flirted with her top donor to garner monetary support and talked badly about her to make him no longer support her.
idk what shes talking about by saying I was victimizing myself but if she thinks so, whatever. However, I never attempted to ruin her friendships and I NEVER flirted with her top donor to get him to stop donating??? What?? I have the screenshots of the only thing I sent to him regarding her and it wasn't talking to him out of the blue, i was VENTING to someone I thought was a friend about how I felt like I was being 1upped and copied. Not trying to "garner monetary support"
#5 she said she has screenshots of my manipulation towards her and others trying to harm her reputation.
I truly want to know when I was talking about her to others because thats shitty and I apologize for my past actions if I did indeed do that.
In the end, I unfriended her because I realized she wasn't my friend anymore. I never tried to manipulate anyone or "play the victim" I was literally just dealing with a lot of personal shit at the time and i didn't want to keep toxicity in my life. When you can't trust someone to not talk about you behind your back, they shouldn't be your friend, and i was paranoid 24/7 because i felt ostracized in our own friend group.
Jamie, Jambo, im talking directly to you now,
You chose a time when women are coming out with their stories of abuse and assualt to tell half truths and cancel me in dms. You chose this time. THIS time to overshadow the stories of abuse and assault to spread hate for me in other people's dms because you didn't want someone to come to me and hear what I had to say. Heres the deal, my real friends know me, my real friends who you call "white knights" stand up for me because they're REAL FRIENDS but they also let me know when I'm in the wrong because they are real friends. The people you're lying to don't know me, and they don't need to, I really don't care.
I hope one day I can go to therapy to sort through the issues I still have, but honestly I hope you do too.
The truth WILL come out. It always does. And if you thought I was too weak to tell it, you were wrong.