luxeumgg

theresa‚ú® · @luxeumgg

23rd Jun 2020 from TwitLonger

cw// domestic abuse, self-harm, depression, narcissism


So here I am, talking about my story. It’s funny to me as I’m sitting here typing this because I always swore that I would never speak up about my experiences - I would always be asked, “would you ever talk about what happened between you and Thinnd?” Each time I would uncomfortably laugh and say, “no, maybe in a perfect world I would.” The thing was, I really did want to talk about it, but I felt absolutely powerless. I knew how it made the people around me upset, watching someone you care about just disregard everything that was brought upon them by a single person. It just hurts. It hurt knowing that I was giving someone absolute power over me.

I can talk about a lot of things, but for the sake of everyone’s time, I will only talk about some events. I’ll be referring to Thinnd by his first name ‘Michael.’

For a really long time, I didn’t have anyone in my life, I couldn’t rely on my family for anything since I grew up in an abusive situation. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder for a long time and I also had a long history with self-harm and suicidal attempts. It was severe for a certain amount of time in my life, but then it stopped.

Around the time it stopped, I met Michael. We became good friends and I always had a high opinion of him, he presented himself very well toward me and he knew the shit I was going through. When someone feels like they have nobody they cling to whatever they can. Any ounce of kindness becomes the world to them. That was exactly what I did and how I was, I’m sure he knew that too and decided to take advantage of it. I ate that shit up and I gave him my undivided trust.

Things were starting to rapidly escalate at home, I couldn’t handle being around my mom. Michael extended his help toward me and said I could stay at his place. I’m going to be honest, I do not remember a lot during this time period. I started going back to self-harm, a lot going on in my head and every day was just about making it into tomorrow. Michael helped me through a lot of my breakdowns at first. But out of nowhere, things flipped, the moment I would show some sign of emotion I was labeled as weak, an attention whore, crazy, a bitch. Everything. “You choose to be depressed.” “Do you like feeling this way?” “Stop being sad.” “You’re being a drama queen.” After he would lash out at me, he would go ahead and ask me if I was done being upset and proceed to have sex with me, as if it was a solution for what I was going through. I never said no, I felt pressured each time then he would ask me, “are you done being sad.” Like it was supposed to reverse my depression or something.

There was a time where my self-harm was addressed by him, “you probably do that because you like how it feels. You’re a freak.” He always threatened to kick me out because I couldn’t help but to hurt myself. He said he was scared that I would harm him because I never hesitated to cut myself. I don’t think he understood that I didn’t cut myself because I’m a violent person or someone that likes pain, he was never once able to try to empathize with me about how I felt. It was always a coping mechanism for me, I had to do it to feel something. I thought I deserved to be hurt. I stopped cutting myself due to how much he threatened to kick me out, I ended up resorting to drinking as a solution. This was another reason why I can’t remember most things. I just didn’t want to remember it at all.

Whenever talk about my depression was brought up, he would explicitly say to me, “you’re a nobody until you make money.” Imagine telling someone that they aren’t worth anything until they can produce income. It’s sick. Who goes to bed feeling okay that they told someone that?

You know what the icing on the cake is? This man belittled me so much for having depression. But yet had to audacity to post Suicide Hotline as a stream title. He has absolutely no right to say that he supports mental health if he wasn’t able to try to empathize with me.

One day I woke up after he went to get a haircut. I went to the bathroom, locked the door, and started to shower. I think it was about 10 mins into my shower, I heard a loud banging at the bathroom door, as I turned toward the door it was literally slammed open. He used the force of his body to break in - I was in shock. And the next thing I hear is him screaming, “why the fuck is the door locked, get out.” Before I knew it the shower curtains were being ripped from their hooks. I was in absolute shock, staring at this angry man as he’s screaming about how badly he needs to shower after a haircut. I blinked and realized how vulnerable I was - it feels pathetic, to be naked, wet and crying. It snapped in me and I started screaming, “do you know what it’s like to be paranoid? I locked the door because I’m scared. Have you ever been raped?” He looked shocked that I stood up for myself like a normal person, but that did not stop him from yelling at me to get out. So I did. I took my towel, ran out of that bathroom, locked myself in our roommate's bathroom and just sobbed. I don’t know how long I sobbed, but I never got an apology from Michael. I never felt safe in my own living space ever since that day. Each time I looked at the cracked bathroom door, that was all I could ever think about.

There were also events that would happen in the middle of streaming. I was threatened to be kicked out just because my voice peaked through his stream. I would try to argue, it was always, “I’ll kick you out by tomorrow. Don’t text me.” and after saying that he would block me. Whenever I was in a good mood or a bit too loud, he would warrant it as a reason to go ahead and call me a bitch. Maybe only once he nicely asked me and it was only because I would always tell him, “just ask me as a normal person would.” On some occasions, he would unplug my setup for being loud. He would just resume his stream as if nothing happened and I would be the only person suffering from it. I’d have to clean up his mess and to tell my stream or my friends, “my internet went out.” He had zero respect for my work and I’ve said this to him too, his argument was always, “neither do you because you keep fucking yelling.” I’m sure if he explained to his stream, it would’ve been fine. But he didn’t want them knowing that a literal woman was residing in the same building. The lengths that he went to avoid letting that rumor get out was insane. I wasn’t allowed to film in the apartment, I was given shit for posting photos that depicted me in the bathroom. Everything was a threat to him because he only cared about saving face. Each time that he would have an episode, he would ‘make up for it’ with sex. It just never made sense or felt right. But I just went with it.

In June 2019, there was an incident that happened between Michael, another streamer and I. This segment will mostly be centered around his predatory grooming habits. Just to clarify, I did ask for permission to mention this other streamer’s name and she was completely okay with it.

Back in June 2019, Maggie (aka Maggiekarp) and I both did a co-stream, after the stream, she proceeded to ask me if I knew anything about Thinnd that she should know about. I thought it was interesting that she worded it that way - I said to her, “Uh, not that I know of no...” I was trying to dance around the subject because I felt like it wasn’t my right to say anything to her about their relations, whether it was personal or business. I was asked yet again, but this time she mentioned that she had her suspicions since he wanted to fly out and visit her in the Philippines. She was concerned since he always asked for personal favors, such as nude photos. Her suspicions were further raised when she noticed how he never really video chatted her indoors sometimes - I’m assuming this is because if I was home, my voice would pick up in the call. Or he was concerned that Maggie might’ve noticed similarities within the apartment. Again, these small actions she picked up on further goes to show how uncomfortable he was with the fact that others would pick up on him living with a woman. Apparently, Maggie once suggested to Michael that we should all play together since I’m his friend. He immediately shut the idea down saying he didn’t want any drama. Which is pretty funny honestly, he basically outed himself and raised questions on his own. She asked me some questions about Michael which I answered and it turns out that he also lied to her about his age, saying that he was three years younger than he actually was.

Maggie confronted him eventually about the situation and his behavior. He started making excuses and trying to prove that what I said was incorrect and fabricated lies. During this time, I was in the middle of streaming and didn’t know what was going on. At one point, I look over and see Michael glaring at me and telling me to cut my stream. I started panicking because I didn’t know what was going on. He proceeded to pull a chair up, sit and stared at me until I stopped my stream.

He asked for my phone, I told him I wasn’t going to comply with that. He led the conversation saying that Maggie told him that she knew I lived within the same house and she wanted to cut things off with him for being dishonest and deceiving toward her. He blamed me for ruining a potential business partner for me. Which made absolutely no sense to me. What part about business involves flirting and asking for nudes. I questioned him with that and he said, “It’s part of the business.” He was literally grooming her from a different country - she deserves transparency if she was going to get involved with someone suspicious. He was absolutely outraged. He proceeded to say that I violated his privacy and I was the bad guy for ruining his opportunities with Maggie. When in reality all I did was bring light to the illusion he presented himself with.

Maggie also mentioned how some other female streamers she knew came forth to her and talked about how Michael has made advancements on them despite them having a significant other. If only a handful of people spoke out to Maggie about his advancements, imagine how many people are either still being manipulated or just haven’t spoken up about it.

In September 2019, I was attending Twitchcon. But I never told Michael that I went to Twitchcon, I lied and said I was staying at a close friend’s house. I brought it up TwitchCon once to him prior to me actually buying a ticket without his notice. I remember him saying that it would be stupid for a Facebook streamer to attend a Twitch event. “What would you even do there?” In all honesty, I just wanted to get away from the stress at home. If he found out, he would’ve lashed out and said that what I did was financially irresponsible and something that I had zero gain from. I got really drunk one night and I was hanging out with a mutual friend between Michael and I. I remember sobbing really hard and saying, “I’m so scared of Michael, X.” (X = censorship of name.) They then asked me why I was scared, I don’t recall what I said because of how much I was crying. But I remember what I felt. I felt scared that any ounce of happiness I had at TwitchCon would’ve been ruined by him if he found out. Because the trip down to San Diego was 100% worth it to me, I learned a lot of valuable things and I met so many wonderful people who continue to be prominent figures in my life.

Watching how he valued/saw other streamers or professional people in his life was interesting too. It was always about money. The moment they weren’t beneficial to him, he would immediately drop them - it would be for the smallest/ridiculous reasons too. Some streamers have come forth to me, without even knowing my association with him, about how quick he was to just drop them if they weren’t playing good enough. I understand what it’s like to play with people that aren’t at your skill level, but streaming is all about entertaining people and having a good time.

I unfortunately, had the pleasure of experiencing this first hand with Michael. I was new to Apex Legends and after asking him a couple of times, he finally agreed to play with me. It was one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had co-streaming with someone. Both of our audiences noticed how verbally harsh he was being toward me. Other streamers directly messaged me asking me if I was okay. It’s just sad when someone’s community has to apologize on their behalf.

I never once ever got an apology over anything from him. I know saying sorry doesn’t fix things, but it would at least show that you acknowledge that you hurt the other party. This would also happen in front of other people that we knew too, people would tell him, “that wasn’t okay, you should say sorry.” And he will always say, “I don’t need to.” Like it would hurt his ego or something, he would then continue doing whatever without a single care about how I felt because of his actions.

On the topic of how he views industry professionals and other streamers, he would never fail to find some way to insult them. Countless times, he would be watching smaller streamers and then he would make a remark like, “this person is never going to make it.” “Look at how much of a loser they are, they went all out just to have no views.” “How’s a podcast going to make them money?” It was just so negative and condescending. He would also say things to my face about my own friends, then he would ask me why I’m pissed off because “they don’t care for you as much as you care for them.”

And then he would meet them in person and try to negotiate a deal. It’s sick. It’s so fucking sick.

There’s a lot of things I can talk about, this is all really just the tip of the iceberg but they were all significant events. At the end of the day, I still blame myself for allowing it to happen to me. I let myself be deceived and I didn’t know any better. Because of my upbringing, I was fine with the treatment because I was used to worse. It was a “better than before” thing for me.

I don’t know what will come out of me talking about this. I don’t know what Michael will do in response to me coming forth and talking about the mental/emotional trauma he put me through. There will be allegations of me being dependent on him financially because he would cover my rent and other expenses. But he knew that he put himself in that position. And he knew he had that over my head.

Michael, if you’re reading this. I know you are pissed beyond words right now. I know you’re going to try to find a way to blackmail me. You’re taking this as an attack, but this is just me telling my story after years of watching you be an absolute hypocrite and abusive person toward me and other people. It sucks, doesn’t it? Being called out as someone who only cares about their own ass. Someone manipulative, self-serving, two-faced, narcissistic? Sucks a lot.

You reached out to me the other day, probably with ulterior motives. You made me absolutely uncomfortable with that, “I miss you” bullshit. You didn’t once bat an eye toward me as I packed my things to leave. You continued to stream that day as if nothing was going on. Of course when you asked me, “do you miss me too?” and I said, “you miss me for sex.” Which you disagreed with, then you asked me if I missed you still. I told you no and then you were upset. You’re upset that you have absolutely no power over me. You had the audacity to tell me that I’m not a real friend. What do you know about that? After hearing all the shit you’ve said about my personal and professional friends? What do you know about having real friends?

“How could you do this after all I’ve done to help you?” I don’t know Michael, how could I withstand all that shit you put me and other people through. I always encouraged you. Other people have too. But you showed your true colors to us all. We all realized that we aren’t significant people to you at all. Just people with different perks that benefited you.

Again, this is just me telling my story this isn't me sabotaging Thinnd.

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