TheAznInvasionX👽🌌🚀 · @TheAznInvasionX
22nd Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
Coming to terms:
I fully acknowledge how Toxic, Abusive and Manipulative of a person I had been in the past. Though I didn't feel like that at the time (otherwise this wouldn't be an issue of course). There are many factors. Look at these as excuses or also listen to my story. I want to fully own and disclose my point of view and understandings. This isn't a "pick my side, pity me anything". This is my genuine thoughts and facts.
Firstly, I have come to terms with needing professional help to overcome a lot of these negative reactions and thought processes and toxic mentality. I have a skewed toxic expectation that I thought was normal, in terms of how a relationship is/should be. In every topic of expectations, sexual or not. After reading not only Tori's post about me, but everyone else's stories, I continued to see myself in them. I'm sorry it took this much for me to see how wrong I am.
I was absolutely disgustingly mean and vile during the relationship. I didn't even know it until I looked back. I am 100% responsible for everything I did and said. I had expectations in the relationship that to me were "normal" but to her were definitely not achievable or normal. Now, that's no excuse for my own behavior that I had absolute control over and took the wrong road more often than I can count. A direct result of my own personal internal issues, self consciousness, anxiety and jealousy. All on me.
The sexual pressure I put on her was admittedly something I thought was okay. Something I thought was normal for a relationship. It was expected, as she wrote. I am so ashamed and sorry for thinking this way. I was very wrong.
"Everyone is the hero of their own story". Well, that is unfortunately exactly how I felt. I thought a lot of my responses were the right way to respond to things. And when they were not, they were met with more toxicity and so the spiral went on. I didn't even know I was gas lighting , until after the fact. That is part of MY problem of course. Again, not an excuse, just acknowledgement.
"I never meant to hurt the person". So here is something I have to come to terms with too. In the beginning, no I didn't mean to hurt them or let it get so out of hand at all. Of course not. I couldn't hold my own temper, jealousy issues, and insecurities, that I lashed out on her over and over again. By the end of it I definitely chose to say things to intentionally hurt her and that was wrong. There was no need to do that just because I felt wronged or hurt too. It was senseless in the end. I should have just seen that I was unhappy, they were unhappy, and just walk away and call it there before trying make things better, resulting in just dragging out more toxicity.
With that, I can't truly apologize enough for the part that I played in this relationship. I understand the trauma that it has caused. None of that makes my part in this okay whatsoever. I am deeply ashamed of myself for the vile behavior. The expectations that have been instilled in my mind is not that of a normal relationship and I see that now.
For myself moving forward, I am and have been bettering myself everyday since then to never be that person again. Guilty Conscience I'd say. I reflect on how I came to be that, and must do so everyday. No matter what the situation is, I'm learning to respond respectfully instead of with toxic manners. I still catch myself slipping in just regular standard situations that I would think is a "normal" response. "Normal" doesn't always mean it's a "good" thing though. Controlling my emotions and not lashing out, keeping cool and collected and think things through, things I know need to be worked on.
So after reading this, I understand that my actions will turn people away from me, that is a given. I do care and admittedly, value peoples opinions of me way too much. I am so sorry to disappoint the people that genuinely looked up to me and supported my endeavors. My actions have severe consequences and I accept that and apologize. I will carry this remorse for the rest of my life.
I hope that everyone that has done what I have done can change and look back and see that some of the shit that sounds or feels like it's normal or okay to say, really are not and that you are in the wrong. No matter what it is that has caused you to become that way, ie: past traumas, your upbringing, just lack of sense, or even seeing other people do it so you think it's okay. It's not.
I can't change what I did and the direct effects, but I can change myself and maybe help others. I don't think that's enough, as the damage is irreparable. No forgiveness is being sought here as it is not deserved. I will be seeking professional help and I hope that is the right start to a long road of being better for myself, and everyone in my life.