I honestly don't even know where to begin. All these stories of different streamers surfacing this past week have left such a feeling of disgust in me for multiple reasons:
1, no one should EVER have to have a story to tell....
and 2, I would appear in some of these stories.
I've been struggling with my best friend this past week telling her how I WANT to say something but I didn't think anyone would believe me...she told me she didn't know what i should do...But after the very TRUE post by someone at one of these occurrences, I finally said it's time to put it out there, whether people believe it or not.
This is going to be a lot...probably a lot of rambling as it was a years worth of built up...so bare with me.
I guess the first place to start is when i first met John. It was 2014, i was living in California with my then fiance and I had been streaming for about a year. I had just made partner and i was excited to keep growing my stream. My relationship with my fiance was always rocky, happy on the outside - sad on the inside. On more than one occasion i threatened to leave but I always ended up staying.
Fast forward a bit I had gotten my first "swifty bomb" thanks to one of my mods and it was like the best moment of stream. From there swifty bombed me a couple of more times, we played arenas and bgs together occasionally, and finally one day he invited me to the swifty gaming house.
I was so so excited. He told me he wanted to have a "Girls only" weekend where he would only invite female streamers that weekend, that way they would feel safe and comfortable around each other, and not random viewers of his stream. I thought this was perfect and it made my fiance feel more at ease because there wouldn't be other males there.
Fast forward to the day i arrived at the house. Swifty was still asleep and his sister kathy let me in and set me up in my own room. I had asked her if any of the other girls had gotten there yet, she said "oh i thought you knew most of them canceled, i think one other might be coming" I had spoken to john several times throughout the months leading up to the gaming house through his stream and he always mentioned that several girls would be coming and it would be so much fun.
At this point I was extremely nervous, mostly afraid of how my fiance would react at me being the only one there. Later on that evening the other girl canceled, so it was just me. My visiting time was for a week and honestly the first couple of days were a lot fun, no red flags other than not knowing i'd be the only girl.When i visited it was around Halloween time and i had the great idea we should go costume shopping for different outfits for stream. He was excited and we went to the shop that next day. While I was pulling out different funny costumes for us, he was always pulling out skin type, extremely revealing costumes telling me these would better show off my "assets". He kept pushing them on me and even jokingly pretended to peek in on me in the fitting rooms.
I quickly picked up his flirty personalty and brushed it off as just "goofball swifty". We went back to the house and got ready for stream. When i tried on one of the costumes he picked out, "sexy Cleopatra" he came in and starting adjusting the costume on me, hands on my hips, etc. Again I didn't think of it as anything and i continued getting ready.
When I came downstairs he had drinks ready to go and i was excited for stream. I didnt realize he drank but he showed me his bar and i was like, LETS GET IT. We streamed that night and it was a lot fun. Later that night after a couple of hours of streaming, i cant remember if it was a break or he was ending stream, but we left his stream room and he ushered me over to a corner. He said Look look - here no one can see us . I like to have these little spots where no one can see whats going on. I can show you all the spots if you want me to. I laughed it off, but honestly I was getting in insight to John i wouldnt have expected.
The rest of the week there went uneventful. We went out to eat together, he was SO sweet, hilarious and the best part - he was a streamer too. He understand the streaming life and being there for that week was such a breath of fresh air from when I was living in California. Towards the end of the trip we definitely flirted back and fourth and our chemistry was incredible. He told me I should come back to visit soon. I went back home and over the course of the next month and a half i fell into a depression. I missed being able to stream 24/7, having that freedom...and it was a breath of fresh air from the relationship I had been in at the time. My fiance and i began to fight even more. I made plans to move back to my parents house in south florida. When i told John this he insisted that i move in with him, i could even bring my dog, and we could dual stream together. he said the people there were moving out and I'd have my own room.
I agreed and made the move. The first month was incredible. John was the sweetest, he always made sure I felt comfortable and was happy. We went to Blizzcon together and were inseparable. It was our first time out and about together and this was the first time i received a warning. I was approached by 2-3 people who had been in the WoW community for a very long time to be careful. That they didn't trust him. That while everyone looks up to him, he's seemed extremely shady and they witnessed some questionable behavior from him. Not going to name the people but I remember the warning clear as day because it came so unexpected.
Blizzcon was our first convention together but that's where the whole relationship took a turn. At the time, we had established a clear cut relationship, boyfriend and girlfriend, but he told me we couldn't say a word about it. That people would think i'm using him and that if I seemed available and single that more people would donate to my stream and subscribe. He was a bigger streamer than me, so he must know best, right?
We stayed together in a hotel, obviously, we were dating, and offered to pay fully for it if i was his camera-woman and photographer that weekend. When we walked into the convention he told me to keep my eyes out for pretty girls and make sure I got their attention so i could film them for his montage. I thought it was weird but shrugged it off. As we would walk throughout the convention he would constantly make remarks "oh look at that one" "oh look at her body huh?" After a woman would request a photo with him he always made remarks about their bodies to me. In a new relationship, i was extremely uncomfortable. I can appreciate a pretty woman but he just made it seem...dirty. This happened the entire time we were on the floor.
Fast forward to parties it got worse. I have an extremely flirty personality and i was friends with TONS of female twitch streamers. All the time they would come up to me and we would pop kiss on the lips and hug, boobie grab etc and thought nothing of it. John, however, saw this as an opportunity. He was in awe that i was so "skilled" with girls and told me that i have a talent. I was confused because I was just being silly with my girlfriends.
Throughout the next couple of months whenever john and i would go out, downtown bars or conventions, he was constantly commenting on how hot other girls were and comparing them to me. "Maybe you should grow your hair out more" "oof we definitely need to get you to the gym" These slight comments would constantly add up. Eventually after dinners he would tell me to stick my fingers down my throat and make myself throw up.
We went to a sponsored event in Texas and were offered separate rooms but stayed together since we were dating and plus it would save the company money. John had a longtime friend who was living in the area and invited him over to the room for drinks and hanging out. He told me how his friend had had sex with tons of women and they've had multiple threesomes together. He told me how much fun it was. By now i know him well enough to pick up what he was insinuating and i told him flat out i'm not having sex with his friend. He said no no we'd just have fun. When his friend got there i was in the bathroom and when i came out to say hello his friend was standing by the bed, penis out. I was shocked and turned away and he put it away. They thought it was funny and once again, i brushed it off. Throughout the night i was getting handed drinks left and right and...i love to drink so I didn't say no. It wasn't until i was wobbly that i noticed both of them were fine and barely drank.
I was then told i'd be lame if i didn't at least do SOMETHING. I was very adamant about not wanting to have vaginal sex with his friend. After a lot of persuading and was given a few more drinks i agreed to do oral sex as long as John was the one having sex with me. I was on my stomach, blindfolded and was told john was the one having sex with me while it was his friend i was performing oral sex on. the blindfold came off and that was not the case. It was the opposite. Then john said "yea sorry i couldnt get hard, all the liquor but i'm so proud of you"
I went to the bathroom once he was done and when i came out neither would look at me and they wouldnt stop laughing. I got into the bed and fell asleep until they left.
I didn't know what to make of this. I didn't know why. When he asked what i thought about it the next day, i didn't know what to say. I responded with, it was cool. whatever. WTF was i supposed to say? Later on he would use this experience as "leverage."
Remember how in awe he was of my "skill with the girls" He used this Texas event to try and persuade me for threesomes. "I let you have a threesome and wasn't jealous, you shouldn't be either" Every time we would go downtown to the bars and clubs, or when we would go to conventions, he would point out girls and tell me to make out with them and bring them over. that we would buy us drinks. I was miserable. I would get increasingly angry at him. As a bisexual woman, i LOVE flirting with women and kissing them, but it all seemed dirty. It made me feel gross. Especially since we were in a relationship. He then started accusing me of being jealous. That i couldn't handle another woman being interested in him. That all his past relationships ended because the girls never let him have his freedom or let him be friendly with other girls. That i should be grateful that i'm staying with him and he was taking care of me. Mind you - i was paying for my own bills and i would constantly grocery shop for the house and pay for it. (Also he wouldn't drive me to the store - i didnt have a car - so i would ride my bike there and attempt to carry them all back on the bike myself. Many times having to have his brother in law come pick me up in the middle of the sidewalk with 100s of dollars of groceries scattered on the ground because he didnt want to pick me up.)
I promised him I wasn't jealous, I just didnt want to have a threesome, especially since a lot of the girls he "requested" were friends of mine, some friends i had known for many years. He would hold it over my head that he had given me a place to stay for free, and where would i go? And this is all i could think about. In my head i couldn't move out - i had never lived on my own before and i hadn't saved up enough money. I couldn't go home because my family would think i was a failure and i couldn't stream there. I had no money and no place to go, so i stayed.
I continued helping him as much as i could - i would edit videos for him, run his stream, reply to work emails from sponsors for him. I would help him with his social media account, helping him get into contact with other big streamers. All the work his sister did for him i took over and kept organized. For months of living with him I put my stream aside and made sure his was running smoothly. All because i loved him. I really genuinely did. He told me he wanted to get married someday, that if i accidentally got pregnant "perfect, ive always wanted to be a dad" In my head if i just kept mine down, everything would be perfect.
But the conventions started happening again. The bars and clubs started happening again. The pressure of "be my wing girl, get me some numbers" was happening again. He would tell me to try and get girls numbers but he promised to never call or text them - i later would find out this wasnt true because he would rub it in my face that he texted them many times.
At the next convention i introduced him to a friend of mine who i adored. She and i drank together and were kissing and it was all in good fun. He told me i should bring her back to the hotel. I was instantly annoyed and i didn't want to. I would leave and go hang out with others and when i came back i always saw him talking to her. I tried my best not to get upset because i knew where this was headed. He told me that if i behaved myself i would be rewarded. I kept my mouth shut. She shared an uber with us and when we were in there she went back and fourth between kissing me and him. She seemed extremely interested in both of us but when she was kissing him i would hide that i was crying. Once we got to the lobby and she said she would come up with us, i took her to the bathroom and i told her i was uncomfortable and i just wanted to go to bed. She seemed weirded out that i said this since before i seemed very into her but did end up leaving. He was livid with me. "you just cant do it can you?" We went upstairs and slept in separate beds and i cried myself to sleep.
We once had a visitor at the gaming house who was again, a friend of mine, who he thought was attractive and wanted to sleep with. He told me that if i was on good behavior and i didnt get jealous and made a threesome happen he would be very generous. I didn't know what that meant and i found out that he meant he would buy me a $25,000 watch. In my head, i was thought, i just want the money and i want to get out of here. And also in my head, i thought he must be joking. He wasn't. he told me good girls get rewards. I didn't care about the watch. I thought if i just shut up and let him have sex with my friend he would see that i loved him and that i would do anything to make him happy. That he would want to be with me. The friend and i were drinking and we were having a ton of fun.she told me she was interested him in and would be down. I thought, well if she wants to and he wants to, the only person hurting here was me. So my solution was, let me get blacked out drunk so i wouldnt remember it. I can only remember bits and pieces of it but he went back and fourth between having sex with the both of us and the next thing i knew i was waking up and she had left. She told me the next day she was fine, had a good time etc. I spoke to him and he told me he finally got his threesome but i was a "miserable bitch" the whole time. That i kept trying to come between him and her but he still made sure he had sex with her. I felt like a failed again. I didn't remember anything but even him getting his way he was still mad at me.
I didn't know what to do. I wanted him to get what he wanted and to be happy and i wasn't making him happy. I confided in a mutual friend of ours. I told her that he hates me because i wont give him a threesome and i don't know what to do. She was someone i trusted very well and also knew john. She was someone very open with her sexuality and i asked her if she would be interested in a 3some. This is someone I confidently knew i could get through it with and get it over with and just make him finally happy. She agreed at first, but when the night came, she pulled me to the side. She told me what i was doing wasn't healthy. She said this isn't what i want. That I'm feeling trapped into doing something I don't want to do. I wish right then I had listened to her but i didn't believe her. I told her nevermind. To that girl, thank you for putting into my head that I wasn't crazy. i didnt HAVE to do these things and i didnt HAVE to feel trapped...but it still wasnt enough for me to leave. I still felt fucking terrified that i would be on my own with nothing. So i stayed.
I went to Vegas once and that was a great time turned awful. I was really missing him and persuaded him to join me. He kept whispering in my ear that one of the girls we were with was really hot and he thinks i could persuade her for a threesome. I wanted to throw up. He told me this was my chance to prove i wasn't a jealous person if i let him fuck my friend and that things would be so much better for our relationship. "it would suck if we couldn't live together anymore". So i sat back and watched him "do his thing" by heavy flirting with her. We went back to the hotel room and i proceeded to perform oral sex on him while he was doing other things with the girl. The entire time i was crying but he didn't care. The girl then claimed she was a virgin, i don't know if true or not, and they kept going. I finally snapped and i was so mad i didnt want this to be happening. It felt so fucking disgusted for him putting us in this situation AGAIN i knocked him off the bed. I told him to stop. He just looked at me with a smile and said "i fucking knew it".
He said he was going to leave the next day and that i would have to find my own place to stay. That's where the fear kicked in again and i apologized to him profusely begging HIM to forgive ME. He agreed to stay the next day until we were set to leave. The next day he performed sexual acts with me in front of the other girl and i FUCKING KNEW and FELT how uncomfortable she was. And i did nothing. And i was disgusted. I didn't stop him. I'm not going to name her, but our friendship rightfully went to garbage after that and to her - i am so sorry. Just because I wasn't strong enough to leave DOES NOT mean you should've had to witness that. We broke up after this trip but still decided to live together because we were working together with a sponsor and I didn't have a place to go. This is when i started saving up money
This guilt trip would happen many times. I would introduce him to a friend of mine and he would hold having a place to stay over my head every time. Accuse me of not being a confident person, of being jealous, of trying to ruin him just trying to have fun.
When we moved into the "in between" gaming house i was still given my own room, but unfortunately it only locked from the outside. I made plans to get a new knob, plus curtains since my room didn't have any. My room was extremely tiny but i was grateful for a place to stay. I never ended up getting those items because i honestly didnt see the need for them. It was almost always me and him at the house alone. We dual-streamed together on both his stream and other sponsored streams so he had a set up in my room with a camera and mic so that way he could capture me and my gameplay easy on his computer. When we moved to this house we were already on rocky terms but i was still in love with him.
He told me I could stay as long as i continued to help him out and i did. Helped run his streams, edited videos etc. Occasionally at night i would see the webcam light come on but i never thought anything of it. It wasn't until i had left that i realized what was probably going on.
Soon after he had invited some friends over from one of his sponsors. We went out to the bar, played pool, we were doing shots and just having a good time drinking, playing darts. I instantly bonded with the Nanokitten, the woman who was visiting with koozy. I'm naming names here because of her story she bravely posted today.
The night went on and we were getting increasingly drunk. John told me that he had set up a tab at the bar and it was free drinks and shots and to take advantage of it and be a good host. So we were throwing back shots and drinks like it was nothing. I thought nanokitten was super cute and i started flirting with her. She was giggly and laughing and we were honestly having a fun time. Then john came up to me and told me she was cute and sexy and that we could have a fun time tonight. I knew instantly where this was heading and i got pissed, i told him that i think she was dating koozy and that wasnt going to happen. He got mad and closed out the tab. We then went back to the house and hung out, had even more drinks. By this point of the night i was pretty wasted and john came up to me as i was leaving the bathroom and told me he wanted to kiss nanokitten. He told me that they weren't dating and it would be completely fine. From here what i remember next is hanging out in swifties room and then swifty screaming at me in my room. Koozy and nanokitten had left. I didn't know what the fuck happened but all i remember is being scared. He stormed out of the room shutting it behind him. When i went to leave i noticed the door was locked. I banged on it asking to leave and he wouldn't let me out. I remember from there crying into my pillow confused as to what the fuck happened. The next morning I recieved a text from nano expressing how upset she was over what happened and all i wanted to do was talk it out. I went to leave but my door was still locked. Eventually after yelling that i had to pee the door was unlocked and i was able to go out. I begged them to let me apologize for what happened but they wanted nothing to do with me. And after reading her story. I completely understand. I wouldn't want to talk to me either. I felt disgusted and sick and I was done. Nano, i'm sorry. You should've never have had a story to tell.
The next weeks went by and john and i barely spoke. We did our "oh my god im so excited to stream" sponsored streams but I spent most of the time in my room. I had contacted my parents and told them i wanted to leave but didnt have enough money saved up. they offered to help.
The day before Pax East I went on a tinder date and was super excited. We were going to co-exist where i was until i could save up enough money and get the fuck out. I scheduled the date for a lunch date so i could be out and back before john woke up, i didnt want him to be mad - even tho we were broken up he still had his control. When i got back from the date however, he was awake. He asked me where i had been and i told him. He went to his room and didn't come out for an hour. He then came into my room and told me that he spoke to his sister and they would find me a place to stay and i was to move out. I was terrified. I wasn't ready yet, i didn't have the money. He said he would pay the first and lasts months rent but i was to go. Part of me was relieved because i knew i couldn't leave on my own.
We were supposed to go to pax together but he canceled the trip. I wanted to go so bad but i was scared to go on my own since everything was in his name. A friend of ours unbelievably offered to pay for my flight and get me out there that day. I said lets do it and i was gone. There I met another streamer who i had watched for years and she and i just clicked. She offered me to stay in her room for the rest of the weekend and I was so excited. We spent one of the days laying in bed the entire day and i told her everything. I cried. I told her how worthless and useless i felt. How little i felt. How i felt like nothing. She shared similar stories and she made me feel FINALLY like it wasn't my fault. That i did have the power to leave. I am so so grateful to you. You still are one of my good friends and i will always appreciate you.
And then I went home. And then we found a place. And i moved out. John and I were still friends. We still went to bars. HE still asked me to "wingman" But now i had my own place. I could leave.
I still felt the attachment to him. I still "needed him". And then one night when he was leaving I told him not to come back. I spoke to our sponsor and i was able to separate our streams and not have to work together anymore.
A few months later I met someone else and got into a relationship with them. A few months after that i moved to New York with him and got the fuck out of Florida and I never looked back.
I just couldn't say no. I was scared and i couldn't say no. I wanted to make someone i loved happy even if it meant making myself miserable...and in doing so i hurt others and put them in situations they should have never been in. I am sorry. I was scared and I am sorry.
No one should EVER have to have a story to tell.