Not Ready to face it. · @NotBraveOnMain
22nd Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
Its time people knew.
Some people will probably know who I am despite this being written on a throwaway. I would ask you please keep my identity contained as right now, I'm still not ready to face the fact of what happened again. I've decided to write this, because despite being scared of facing this, its important people know BlessRNG's true colours.
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A little bit of backstory that is important with this;
- When I was 10 or so, my Grandma's, Boyfriends, either brother or close friend, grabbed my ass, hard, when I was at her house for the day with my 4-5 y/o sister. After that happened, I always insisted I went with my sister when she went to their house.
- When I was 14, I was groomed by a 23(?) guy online for months, and months on end. You imagine it, it probably happened, to the extent that he would tell me to never message him again, then an hour or two later call me demanding to know where I'd been. He threatened to kill himself if I ever left him. This lead to me wanting and attempting to kill myself several times around this time. Eventually my parents found out, and it was handled by the police. To this day, the news article is still available: https://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/this-child-grooming-devil-wore-an-innocent-face/news-story/a4abf7417eadbde7e10561a88fa3fd2e?sv=291347787861f7860cffa4688fba3f97
- When I was 23, my husband, knowing full well my history and the severity of the abuse I had over my life, after I'd returned home from a trip visiting my family, decided to have sex with me while I slept (I had returned home ill). I woke up midway through and was so distraught all I could do was wait til it was over. I stayed up the rest of the night being afraid, upset, and absolutely shattered. Depression led to actions on my end that I regret to this day, we divorced, and went our separate ways. He continued to say he didn't know what he was doing, and was "half asleep".
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PAX West 2018, I met BlessRNG for the first time in person at the Facebook party, we became close and all was good. Following on from the event, we stayed in close contact and chatting closely about our lives given similar upbringings in Australia. We met at several events after the fact, and even then it was all fine. In the time between, we'd gotten to know each other better, I was forward with my distrust in people explaining my history and resulting insomnia and sleep issues - he understood. All was fine, until one night.
We'd gone out to Disneyland together for a day of fun following a work engagement on my part. Despite already being tired, we were there until closing, and by the time we made it back to the hotel, it was 10:30/11. Despite my typical insomnia making it difficult for me to sleep, for once I was tired and eager to get settled into to sleep. He didn't have the same plan.
I made it clear, "not tonight, I'm really tired and you know how I am" (should mention we'd never done "anything" before).
He huffed and groaned, before grabbing my waist and pulling me towards his pelvis area, thrusting and trying to kiss me. I immediately pulled away, got up and ran to the bathroom where I locked the door and cried on the floor for probably over an hour as be begged and pleaded at the door for me to come out - I refused. While the action itself, definitely doesn't compare in severity to others, with my history and his knowledge of it, it was enough in that moment to terrify me. He eventually moved and promised to stay in the other part of the hotel room (was a suite like room with a living room area and a door). I eventually came out of the bathroom and barely slept the night.
The next morning, few words were exchanged, he tried to apologise, but I didn't want to hear it. Shortly after he left for the airport, but the damage was done.
I tried to rationalize it:
- Maybe he didn't mean it like that...
- Maybe I misunderstood...
- Maybe I overreacted...
Through this I was able to somewhat remain friends with him through to PAX East 2019, although I was a lot quieter in our conversations.I tried to keep my replies to under a sentence and be as brief and polite as possible, knowing the influence he has in the industry. He was already helping me with sponsorship contacts with several reputable brands, I was afraid that burning the bridge would lead me black listed.
He continued to set up opportunities for me for PAX East without asking if I was interested, in hindsight, it felt very much like this was a ploy to spend time with me. Before I had even gotten into town, he had already arranged drinks with a prominent AUS event organiser, and invite as a "+1" to Omeeds OPG gathering, and various other invites. I stated cowardly at the time that I had other plans and arrangements made.
When I arrived at the show floor, knowing I'd have to see him at some point, I figured best to get it over and done with. He has helped me out by getting a few bits and piece for some co-workers and I which I needed to pick up from him and repay him for. He was working the show so I expected a quick chat and what not before being done with the situation.
That was not the case, he got away for the booth and came around the show with me for a very long time, I kept looking for people I knew to act as a barrier. This included going to another booth that a close friend(not there) was friends with. I remember receiving a text from said friend a little later saying their friend had reached out and was concerned about Bless following me. There wasn't much I could do. I eventually managed to split due to my own work commitments - but that wasn't the end of it. Consistent invites to things, and inviting himself to personal meetings I'd set up too. All the while, subtly touching me, to the point I had to restate asking him not to.
After day 2, I'd had enough. With more invites and inconsideration, I decided to leave and fly home from PAX Early. This was not before I had a chance to chat to a mutual, who knew about the post-disneyland situation and beyond. She suggested it be best I rip the bandaid off and to let him get over me, cease all contact. I told him this, and then stopped replying to his messages.
Things didn't get easier. While I made it clear, given we are both industry, there would always be some overlap, I did not want to be contacted on anything that wasn't business/work related. TwitchCon EU, he contacted several of my community members asking to hang out or catch up, at the partner party he circled the room consistently near me watching me, outside the partner longue he approached my close group to engage us - I promptly walked away.
Since then, he continued to entangle himself in my related areas which had no relevance to him. Passed on gifts to my friends who awkwardly handed them onto me unaware of the situation, and continue to try to set up opportunites for me covertly.
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While the physical assault was minimal in the scheme of things, the damage and continued impact he has on my mental state exists to this day. Every event I know he will be at, I reach out to organisers asking to ensure we are not put together. Every event I ensure the people closest to me are aware and know if I see him I will about face. Just this May he donated to my St Jude campaign, proving once again I will never escape his influence while I'm in the industry.
Seeing his face in every twitch stream is just the icing on the cake.