Cristina Amaya · @Silcris88
22nd Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
This was hard to write.
This is a tough type for me. This spans unfortunately most of my time in gaming.
Years ago I helped drive an event called the Archon Team League Championship. This was during my time at WellPlayed, an esports organization.
At this event I was a hospitality manager, so I was in charge of player satisfaction and making sure that the players were comfortable. The event took place at a house and we had to beg for rooms at a hotel nearby in Dallas.
One night my whole team gathered in a hotel room to talk. I had been up since 5 AM driving players from the airport to their hotels, so I was already exhausted and our team meeting happened late in the evening. My coworkers were drinking and getting drunk. Our two C-levels were also onsite: Colin "Vindexus" Kierans and Andrew Quan. We were a small company and ran scrappily but we meant well.
Colin was very drunk. As our teams talked, it kept getting later and I eventually fell asleep on my coworker’s bed. I was exhausted and completely sober and had an early start the next day. Everybody kept talking and drinking around me.
The details are tough for me to type out and it’s hard for me to stomach writing the full story.
When I woke up after falling asleep in my coworker’s bed, I was being sexually assaulted by my boss, Colin, who was drunk. There were other people in the room with me who were asleep. When he went to the restroom, I dragged a sleepy coworker out of the room with me and fell into a sobbing mess. I continued to work that event during the weekend and dealt with the shame of what felt like a self caused situation and the reality that I worked for somebody that assaulted me.
I ended up in legal actions with Colin and for that reason I was scared to be open about my assault.
I was not the same person after this. I turned into a person filled with anger and hate. I had a therapist but it did not help. I got worse.
I ended up dating an abuser. I'm still too scared to name him. My abuser does work in gaming. He had been financially dependent on me for years. He yelled at me and belittled me. It is because of him that I now have panic disorder. I deal with my panic disorder almost daily. I was hospitalized regularly. I called the police on him multiple times. I was suicidal. He encouraged me to kill myself. He threatened my career. I gained a lot of weight, stopped brushing my hair and existed solely because it would hurt my parents if I didn’t.
The two years with my abuser further changed me. They made me feel small. I felt misunderstood and weak. At one point the police sat in my apartment lobby and a woman held me as I sobbed, my abuser stood smugly in front of me and I was powerless.
People kept my abuser around. He was invited to a Discord party after my employment there and I've made amends with some of those who were involved and I felt that some never understood. I begged many to block him from attending things in the future. I still fell fear that I’ll see him.
I became a person that I am not proud of. I hurt people. I'm so sorry if you're reading this and I hurt you. I was in a dark space for so long. I met with multiple therapists for self improvement. I took classes. I have cut my alcohol consumption and focused on building communities to better people. I work hard everyday to be better and I hope that I can be.
Coming out with this story is hard. I made a lot of mistakes, fell into self abusive patterns and much more along the way. I am trying so hard to be better for myself and the people around me. Thank you for listening.