Bijouxdemon|(Closed)| Emote/Badge Artist · @Bijouxdemon
21st Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
It's time I spoke up
This is not an easy thing to tell and never has and never will be. I've been the victim of emotional, mental, and physical abuse for many relationships in the past. It led me to a point where I was in a relationship out of convenience with someone and being basically just someone who cooked, cleaned, and was someone to have sex with. Around that time, I came to know of Twitch and streaming. I grew interested and found a lot of youtubers I followed streamed on there as well. I got on and grew addicted into interacting with them and so many other new people. It was bliss. I eventually dived into streaming myself as a way to meet more people and find others to play games with. I was just fumbling through it all initially and somehow met others here and there.
Eventually it lead to being raided, my first time, by a group/organization under the tile RizeUpGaming. I was elated! I found new people to bond with! I was invited to be a part of it and dived in further and grew to have a lot of people I considered friends, and some even family. One of these individuals was Rev.
I admit I grew very attached very quickly being shown positive affection with it lacking so much being ostracized from a lot of irl friends and family at the time and dealing with a bad relationship. I latched on and my timidness started shying away. I started to feel like I was growing in strength and voice. Eventually I started getting even more involved with the charity streams and hanging out late at night til the AM hours and supporting any way I could. I felt wanted and appreciated, two things I sorely lacked for many years.
As time progressed, I became part of the staff and even attended my very first PAX event! Though after, things went sour fast with my relationship. During that time, the offer was made for me to move into Rev's home to get away from the situation and give me the opportunity to actually build myself up. So things happened. I broke up with my then bf, packed my stuff and I was out in about a weeks' time and moved from Georgia to Texas. It was a big change. During that time I offered to help with anything I could do to show my appreciation be it cooking, cleaning, doing art work, streaming on the RU main channel and applying to as many places as I could that were close enough I could walk to( as I had no vehicle). Granted a lot of time, I grew lazy and disparaged as I felt a lot of my efforts were in vain, but I tried earnestly as I could to maintain my end to do my best to do what I could while I lived there.
Overtime living there, situations happened where Rev showed a lot of gas lighting behavior to myself and other women of RU. A lot of us saw nothing wrong it it as we'd grown accustomed to it. We all were pulled into the group during our more vulnerable times. Those who weren't saw past a lot of the facade quickly and distanced themselves not long after. During those times, be them male or female, Rev would put them in a negative spotlight and would bring up all these reasons as to why they are bad and needed to be removed or it was a good thing they left. Granted some of the ex-members were kicked out/removed/left due to bad behaviors and interactions or breaking rules, but others called out Rev and he took great offense to it.
As time moved on, due to living under the same roof, we grew closer and I felt like I could tell him anything and be myself 100% and I considered him my best friend and I did love him in that sense. I let that cloud a lot of words and actions directed to me and I was still vulnerable from a lot of things beforehand and I had yet to address and grow from those things in my mind and heart and I fell into it.
More and more touches from him became often as just physical "normal" affection and constantly saying "I love you" with me parroting it right back. As it continued, I started to become slightly uncomfortable and I started to see some aspects of Rev that I didnt agree with and my image that I had of him began to change. I didn't speak outwardly of it really with anyone and I began to stew in it. I started to think "what did I put myself into agreeing to live with someone who felt like they were trying advance some sort of relationship with me into something else that I didn't want."
I started to think and look at myself and question was I encouraging this? Is this something I wanted? I knew the answer was no but I was still emotionally vulnerable and I couldn't put that in my head and speak it out vocally. It started coming in when I started receiving touches I wasn't comfortable with but I wasn't' able to speak out either. A hand on a thigh here, a back rub there and it still progressed.
TLDR:Sexual Assault (skip past this paragraph if you dont' want to read this)
It accumulated to a night after doing a marathon stream where I had stayed up incredibly late and I was exhausted. At the time, I was offered to pass out on the bed next to him while he modded and kept running the marathon. I honestly didn't think twice about it and trusted him. I did so and passed out immediately. I was drowsy but awake enough to notice that I felt him touching me. I don't' remember in which order but I felt a hand at my breast(not fully encompassing but to the side; still not okay) and another one where I felt his hand on my high thigh and very close to my groin. On side note, I was wearing just a tank job and sleep shorts so I felt the touches very clearly. I didn't move or say anything and I was triggered into freezing. This was very close to another similar experience I had with someone years before this time who had sexually assaulted and raped me in my sleep and I woke up to it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I never spoke about it out loud to him or brought it up in pure fear. I just wanted to forget that it had happened and imagined itw as a mistake that he'd done so in his sleep or something but looking back now, it's not an excuse. I began to separate heavily and around that time is when I began talking to the person who would become my s/o, Cassie aka LibidineQueen.
Things started off small and simple and we grew very close very quickly. We found we had very compatible interests and personalities. Things progressed and Rev immediately took notice and I believe as well offense, though he spoke on it as just being protective of me. I was upset and there were conversations and sit downs had about certain situations(referenced in Cass's twitlonger) and we both moved passed it. Cassie talked about moving me out after a few months of dating so as we could spend more time together and I'd have better opportunities for possible work and such. I spoke about this to Rev and he didn't approve. He wanted me to "wait longer, exactly a full year as proof that our relationship would work" stating my previous relationship as an example. I was made to feel guilty into doing so and reluctantly Cassie and I agreed to this. Close to moving, I started sending my stuff out little by little and during this time there was a mood shift.
Rev started getting even touchier with me and wanting more of my attention claiming that I wouldn't have time for him anymore if I moved. I said that I wouldn't and I would still be around in Zoom and the community. After the move and I settled it, I felt like I could handle things better and I could still maintain my friendship with Rev. That proved not to be the case.
He kept insulting Cassie and going on about how she posted publicly on twitter and bringing up past stuff that was addressed and I felt like it was a constant attack on my relationship. I started to get angrier and angrier. I started showing up less in Zoom and replying less often and the anger and resentment over everything started building and boiling. I felt like I could start separating my feelings and think clearer on it all and realize how unhealthy everything I went through was.
It came to a head in an argument where it was a screaming match back and forth and my relationship got brought up again and I had enough and called it after that. There weren't too many convos after til it all stopped.
To all who have left due to Rev/RU situations, I'm sorry and you don't' have to speak up, but know that I know now what went wrong and I'm sorry for what I've done wrong as well. I went along with it all and it lead to me losing a lot of really good friends.
I thought it was all over but it wasn't. To this day I still have nightmares on that night and some of the other physical touching. I still get anxiety over the guilt tripping and gaslighting. I have never felt so weak at this point but strong enough to say all this too. I've been wanting to say this for a while now but I was scared. I felt like I needed the strength and voices of others to come out with my story and demons. I won't let them take hold of my voice and experiences anymore. I can't afford to. I need my pain to bleed out so I can heal.