Shoto 🗡️ · @shxtou
21st Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
I wanted to get this off my chest, I hope you'll read and understand my story.
TW: Pedophilia, Sex, Grooming
Sorry my thoughts aren't very organized right now but I feel like I need to say this otherwise it'll bother me for the rest of my life. Recently, a lot of people have been mustering the courage to talk about their past experiences with groomers and uncomfortable situations that shouldn't be seen as okay. I've been thinking on this for a couple of years, and felt like I've fully processed that what happened to me was not okay and I want to bring this to light and help other people understand how important boundaries are.
Back in the spring - summer of 2015 I met another singer in the community named Nansu. I'll admit I was very love sick at the time and I was only 15 and wanted to be better friends with him. Eventually that summer he wanted to engage in a relationship with me fully aware of our age difference and that he was an adult. At the time I was 15 - 17 and he was 18 - 20 years old. Right off the bat, our relationship was weird looking back on it. He initiated me with sexual content, sending nudes and wanting to do various sexual acts with me. I consented. I was convinced to also send nudes of myself back to him thinking "this is normal, this is a normal relationship, it's what good boyfriends do with each other". A lot of our past conversations had been deleted and our interactions were mostly in voice calls (Skype and Discord) so I can't provide solid evidence for this, I'm so sorry, but I hope you'll take my word for it and understand this is all the truth.
Our relationship was very unhealthy and toxic and most of the time we used nudes / video call sex to make up or help each other feel better. I consented to this when I was younger, and I do remember doing this often, but I guess I never understood that it wasn't okay for this to happen and that consent between a minor and an adult was illegal. I'd want it as much as he'd want it. We'd send each other nudes often, he'd practice dirty talk and tell me what he'd want to do with me, and had video chat sex a lot. I didn't understand at the time this wasn't normal and that we did talk about sex often. I thought this was all normal, that a healthy relationship needed something like this. He was my first, so I didn't know better and I feel extremely dumb for letting it continue like this. I guess I was happy or I felt happy, when I didn't understand all his validation and treating me like an adult was all grooming tactics. I sent so many humiliating nudes and did things with him over voice chat that I wish never happened.
It took me a long time to realize this isn't right and that our relationship was very toxic and the age gap given everything we were doing is not okay. It affected me growing up and had a mental impact on how I interacted with others. I'm sure a lot of you understood this if you've known me back then, I was very open and sexual in public social media, and tended to show a lot of PDA towards Nansu. I'm sorry again for all of that, I didn't know better until now.
He made me not talk to anyone about what we did in our private conversations or mention our age gap. He didn't tell me why, but I was more concerned for him and wanted him to be satisfied so I kept my mouth shut and never talked to anyone about what we did. My parents don't know, and my friends didn't know. I was gullible and stupid as a kid. It wasn't until after we broke up I talked about it, but this was back in 2017 and I felt ashamed with it all. I thought breaking up with him would give me peace of mind but that wasn't real, and it still all bothers me to this day. The fact he didn't want others to know about our age gap and the fact that we were so actively sexual in private when I was still a minor. I refused to acknowledge this and the experience traumatized me and it wasn't until recently I felt like I wasn't happy and needed to say something about this to let others know.
The relationship ended after we spent less and less time interacting and around the time I turned 18. We always got angry at each other, and I can't recollect many good memories from our time together. Anytime I think back on it, I get sad and wish I realized sooner or knew better to avoid it all from happening. I did learn a lot from my first relationship,but I have so many regrets that have welled up from those years. I feel embarrassed and gross about this, and wish I didn't ever engage in a relationship with him in the first place. I led myself to believe it was a good relationship after we ended it, that it was memorable and I was happy, and it was all normal.
Right now I'm happier and feel liberated. Ever since I broke up with him, my independence and freedom felt like it returned to me and I'm glad I made that decision. I'm currently 20 years old, and I know it seems like awhile for me to bring this up, but it was hard to talk about this. I'm still very embarrassed to share this since I feel like I'm at fault as well. I feel these days, I'm a more patient and less toxic person than what I once was when I was dating Nansu.
I'm not looking for anything here. I just wanted someone to read and listen to this. I wanted someone to understand this is very real and it's not okay, and I'm praying for every minor to stay educated to avoid this. Thanks for reading and I'm sorry to myself for not saying this sooner.
Please stay safe and I appreciate you all.