The time I was sexually assaulted by a Youtuber.
I won't be using real names in this post. I'll be referring to all parties involved as colors, because I'm not brave enough to say who it was. Red is the Youtuber that tried to rape me. There are lots of people involved, and I don't want to drag them into something that has long been dormant. There's a specific part of the story that I'm not sure how to approach, because if you were around in the pokemon community in 2015, it might make it easy to identify people... I'll be as vague as possible when I get to that part.
It was PAX South, January 2015. To get full context, this story takes place over the course of 3 days. It started on Friday, it happened on Saturday, and I made terrible decisions on Sunday. I feel the need to explain all 3 days worth of context, in case somehow Red's name gets revealed after this is posted. Towards the end I talk about something I did that completely kills all credibility I could have had, so I want as much information out there.
Honestly, I don't remember Friday very well. I was 21, and it was my first time drinking since I was 16, so naturally it hit me a little hard. But it was a normal night of drinking with friends (Blue [very good friend and very important], Orange), met some new people. Red included. Right away he struck me as a very charming individual. And he didn't waste any time getting flirty with me. All I really remember about this night was Red choosing me as his beer pong partner, even though I made it very clear I'm garbage at the game. I ended up missing every shot except for the final game winning one. I remember that clearly because I was absolutely elated. Red showered me with compliments afterwards. I developed a sort of mini crush on him, I guess. It wasn't serious, but I was incredibly impressionable and anxious back then. A guy giving me attention rarely ever happened, and god he was so fucking charming. And I fell for it. Nothing happened that night and I don't really remember much else.
I was invited to another party. Some of the same people, my good friend Blue, Orange, Red. And some new people too, mainly Green. A very nice, expensive hotel room with an en suite bedroom was booked for this party. I believe it was paid for by Orange and Green, but I could be mistaken on that. This is the night it happened. I'll be completely transparent here. I was drunk out of my mind. I've never been more drunk than I was that night, and that night is the reason I'm now a very responsible drinker. I got fucked up really early into the night. We started off by played a rhythm drinking game, which I was absolutely horrible at, so of course I became the easy target. I had to tap out of the game early because I realized I had drank way too much, way too fast and needed to slow down. At some point during the night, my friend Blue left to go take a walk with another guy from the party. This is important, but I don't remember when exactly she left.
I don't remember a ton of details. It was a long night. I know I made out with Red (consensually - but saying yes to a make out session doesn't give you the green light for sex). At some point I literally just laid down on the couch, unable to move, I was so fucked up. Red took that opportunity to say he was going to call an Uber and take me back to my hotel. I found out later that apparently, Red has a bit of a bad reputation. Another guy from the party, I'll call him Yellow, who was a friend of Red and knew what he was like approached me (still lying on the couch) and quietly asked me if I wanted to go with Red. I said no, I want to stay here. Yellow gets Red to call off on the Uber, and the party goes on.
Later into the night I went to the bathroom. The bathroom was located in the ensuite bedroom. When I came out, everyone but Red was gone. It was just Red and I in an empty hotel room. He was blocking the door to the living room area. I remember asking him where everyone was, and not getting an answer. The next thing I remember is being in the bed with my shirt and bra off and Red on top of me. I don't remember how I got to the bed. I don't remember the top half of my clothing being removed. But I guess this is where the adrenaline kicked in, because I became very aware of what was happening, and suddenly felt very sober (although I wasn't, ofc. Adrenaline won't sober you up, it just makes you more alert). I started struggling and telling him to get off me. He refused, and started trying to take my pants off. I said "NO" and "STOP" more times than I can count, he continued to try and get my pants off. But he was struggling with them. I was kicking and flailing around, and I was wearing incredibly tight leggings that were a size too small, because Blue and I had gone shopping for outfits earlier that day and the store we went to didn't have anything in my size. And I genuinely believe that my decision to wear disgustingly tight leggings was the reason I wasn't actually raped that night. I can't give an accurate amount of time as to how long he struggled with my pants. I want to say maybe 10 minutes, if I think about it logically, but it felt like an hour... The entire time I continuously struggled and told him to stop, but he wasn't listening.
Suddenly there's a knock coming from the hotel room door (actual door, not the bedroom door). I'm not really sure what happened, but I think the knock must have distracted him for a split second, because his grip on me loosened and I was able to pull away from him. He tried to grab my arm and pull me back but he didn't get a good enough grip and I fucking launched myself of the bed with so much forward momentum that I think even if he had gotten a good grip on my arm, I would have just ended up pulling him to the ground. I fucking bolted. I managed to grab my cardigan, which was laying somewhere on the way to the bedroom door (idk if it was on the floor or the corner of the bed, can't remember). I ripped open the bedroom door, wrapped my cardigan around me (I was completely naked from the waist up), and sprinted to the main door of the hotel room. Ripped that door open too and saw that it was Blue and the boy she went walking with earlier. I begged them to save me.
One of them went into the bedroom to grab my shirt (though my bra was left, unfortunately) and we walked back to mine and Blue's hotel. I don't think I stopped to put my shirt on, I'm pretty sure I just walked to our hotel with nothing but a cardigan and my arms wrapped around my chest to keep it closed.
This is where I made a lot of poor decisions, which I think cripples my credibility and is a reason I'm not keen on giving Red's name.
What happened to me on Saturday seems to be public knowledge to a lot of people who were there. Don't remember how it got around.
Green messages me. Says he's confused about what happened but is sorry he and the others all left because the whole situation could have been avoided if they had just waited a bit. Tells me they're throwing another party and wants me to come. I don't really want to go, but I'm in a rough spot. I was involved with a bunch of drama previously, and was kind of shunned from the community because of it. The last thing I wanted was to start more drama (which is hilarious because I end up starting BIG drama later that night anyways). I was hesitant, but Green says Red is really sorry and wants to put it behind us, and it won't happen again. So I stupidly fucking agree to go to this party, even though I know Red will be there because I'm so anxious about causing more drama and becoming even more disliked within the community.
So I get to this party. I told myself I would drink responsibly this time, so I wouldn't be put in another situation like the night before. But somehow I end up just as drunk. I know I was trying to drink less, I'm really not sure what happened. At some point during the night, Green and Red start talking about a girl, who we'll call Pink. This is the situation that I mentioned at the beginning that I can't go into details about, because it might make things obvious... Basically Pink isn't at this party, but she's super drunk and.. in a vulnerable state of mind. She's texting Green. Green and Red start saying some absolutely disgusting shit about Pink, and how they were going to try to convince her to come over. I immediately DM'd Pink on Twitter and BEGGED her to stop texting Green, and to stay the fuck away from this party. She did, but that's all I'll say about that whole situation, even though I involuntarily created an absolute drama shitstorm by telling her this. I don't regret it, though. I don't know if Green would follow through with some of the shit he was saying, but obviously I know Red would. I don't regret saving her from potentially going through what I had the night previously.
Back to Red and I, though. Again, not sure how it happened since I was drinking responsibly, but I once again ended up incredibly intoxicated. Red tells Green he's going to take me back to my hotel (sound familiar?). I'm going to now quote something I sent to Blue on Monday word for word, to explain how I got into myself into another god damn mess, because it has a lot more detail than I could ever hope to give now.
"This whole thing has me fucked up. Red was acting so sweet to me, calling be beautiful, and even trying to make me drink water. So like, I legit thought he cared, and wasn't trying to repeat last night. And I fucking fell for his stupid act. I would have fallen for it if I wasn't drunk, too. I'm just a really forgiving person, I genuinely thought he cared about me last night. I guess the first sign of the night was when he said to not only me, but also [Green] that he was bringing me back to my hotel, but brought me back to [his hotel]... I got nervous then and asked why were we there and he said it was because it was closer and that he'd bring me to [my hotel] in the morning. I agreed only because I was drunk and I didn't want to wander alone on the streets again trying to find my way back to the right hotel, this time while drunk, even. But I specifically said "My pants stay on. Understand?" and he agreed to it, saying he didn't want anything like the night before to happen again, so I went inside hoping he was genuine. We weren't even in there 5 minutes before he attempted to take my pants off for the first time. He made several more attempts before I finally started sobering up and got very cross and stern with him. The part that scares me the most is he was trying to get me to forget about my flight in the morning and go back to [his city] with him for like a week... Like, he legitimately kept telling me he really wanted me to come home with him and that he'd pay for my flights and everything... even offered to pay me for the week of work I would miss. :\\\ When I kept declining his offer he finally said okay, and set an alarm for the morning, because he also had a 9am flight. But the alarm never went off... I honestly think he didn't set it... I legit think he might have purposely tried to make me miss my flight.... He was so pissed when [Orange] called me, he didn't want me to answer the phone either."
I legit completely forgot about him asking me to go home with him until I read through my DMs to prep for writing all this. I can't believe I forgot that. I totally remember it now, though. I don't think he would have actually gone through with it even if I had agreed, I think he was just saying all that in a drunken stupor, but what the FUCK. That's scary. But in the end, nothing really ended up happening (I thought).
Eventually we all met up Monday morning to go to the airport, and when I was sitting at my airport gate waiting, I ended up touching my neck. It hurt, like I had a crazy bruise or something. What the fuck? How'd I end up bruising my neck? I opened my phone's camera to look, and my fucking god. I had the biggest, most intense fucking hickey I have EVER seen on anyone before. I didn't know it was there until that moment (though Blue said later that she had noticed it on the way to the airport). So clearly something did happen in his hotel room that I don't remember. Because I definitely didn't have that gigantic thing before I left the party. I know that for certain.
I DM'd Red while I was on the bus home (plane to Toronto, bus from Toronto to home) with the intention of talking about what happened. When I looked at our DM's earlier in prep for this, I was absolutely disgusted with what I saw. Not on his part, but mine. The way I acted in those DM's absolutely kills any and all credibility I could have possibly had. I was acting as if nothing had ever happened, and like we were friends. I know why I acted that way. Again, it goes back to the drama thing, and how my intense insecurity and anxiety caused me to just let a lot of shit slide when I shouldn't have. I just casually fucking mention that he left a giant hickey on my neck. "oh crap woops" was his response. I started the DM with the intention of having a serious conversation but immediately ended up chickening out and acted as if it was all cool. "It was a fun night" and my response, which may be the biggest lie I've ever told was "Yeah, it was super fun I'm glad Green got me to come over". It was not fun, and I was not glad I went. Maybe I was content with the fact that I went, just because if I hadn't, who knows what would have happened to Pink. But despite my words, I was not fucking glad I went, and it was not super fun. But because of this conversation, I can't bring myself to reveal Red's name. I can't prove that I was lying through my teeth in that conversation. At face value, it genuinely looks like I didn't give a fuck about anything that happened during that weekend and that I was looking forward to seeing him at PAX. I promise you I fucking wasn't. I was so fucking insecure about the possibility of creating EVEN MORE drama (at this point the Pink drama I started was just starting to take off) that I just tried to act like it never happened, and tried to sweep it under the rug. But people know. Blue knows. Orange knows, though since he is/was (idk if they still are) good friends with Red, how much of my Sunday story he believed. Green kind of knows. Pink knows (though wasn't there to experience any of it, only knows what I told her). Another person whom I haven't mentioned at all until this point because they, like Pink, were not there and is only relevant to the Pink drama, knew, but has apparently since forgotten, based off a conversation we had last year). Saturday's situation could be vouched for by Blue, at the very least. But no one was there for Sunday's incident. Only Red and I know the truth, and I'm sure he'd deny it.
I've tried to forget about the incident(s) because I wasn't actually raped. I would tell myself it's not a big deal, it never went that far. But it is a big deal. Even if there was no penetration/real rape, I was sexually assaulted. I was touched inappropriately, I was pinned down, I was scared, and there was an attempt made. I was sexually assaulted, and despite all the factors saying otherwise, it was not my fault. No means no, and that was respected. It's not my fault. I'd tell myself it wasn't my fault for years, but I never really started believing it until recently.