ashnichrist🌱 · @ashnichrist
21st Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
"I could have done things differently" does not make you responsible.
I've been sitting here the past 2 days thinking about what I would do in this situation. If I would ever be strong enough to be honest like so many women have. Would it affect my career? Would it change the way people see me? Would it look like I was just out to get someone else?
I'm scared you all will forget us in a few weeks. You will remember this moment and a few stories, but these abusers will still have their platforms. Everything will go back to normal like it always does. The only people who truly have to live with the pain are the victims.
I'm scared we are ruining our careers for our honesty. I shouldn't have to be scared of being ruined.
But I chose to be honest about just this 1 situation. Because maybe it helps other people who were hurt. Maybe it prevents hurt. At the very least, it is 1 more story to add to the pile to make you all pay attention.
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A well-known Dota 2 caster invited me to the 2nd Dota Summit as a cosplay guest and we hung out a lot. We went to an afterparty together in one of the hotel rooms with a bunch of Beyond the Summit staff and pro players.
He was sleeping there and invited me to stay over so I didn't have to leave because I was drunk. We slept in the same bed. We didn't have sex, but he asked if he could tell everybody that we did.
He wanted to look cooler to the community by lying about what we did and I said yes. I let him...
I felt so ashamed that I didn't follow through with fucking him. He was this well-known caster, knew a lot of people in the industry I wanted to be part of, and got me - a worthless nobody - invited to a private event with powerful people.
I felt like I owed him something. And I'm so ashamed to say I didn't just stay away. I wish I was stronger...
He invited me out to Christmas at the BTS house. I knew what he was going to try and I went anyways because I wanted to be part of that group so badly. I wanted to matter more than I respected myself.
I got my period the first day there and said we couldn't do anything but we could still hang out. He pressured me to do it anyways. I spent the week there having sex with him every day while I was not feeling it, but feeling indebted to him like I owed it to him even thought it felt wrong.
After I got on the plane back home, he sent me a photo of bloody bedsheets. I was so ashamed and embarrassed of everything I had done: not had strength as a woman, valued his comfort over my own, wanted to be part of a group so bad I let myself do things that brought me discomfort and shame. I thought he would use the picture if I ever said anything. So I never did.
I knew being honest about it would hurt so many people. I wish I had been stronger that first night.
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That is the only story I'm comfortable sharing right now. I do have others I don't want to disclose because these men have a level of influence over my current career and I am still scared. I hope the day comes I am brave enough.
Looking back, I wish I knew so many things. I wish I knew if it felt off, it probably was. I wish I knew if it wasn't a "Hell yes" it was a "Hell no". I wish I knew rape could be subtle.
I want nothing from Zyori. I don't want to talk to him or hear from him. I don't want DMs, emails, or the "I'm sorry" Twitlonger. I don't care about impacting his career in any way. I am not part of the Dota community anymore and never will be. I witnessed so many of these situations happen there... I am 1 of many.
I need nothing except for all the other women who went through something similar to know this:
**It wasn't your fault, you weren't asking for it, and "I could have done things differently" does not make you responsible.**