jen · @abzard
21st Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
I, too, was sexually assaulted by a guy in the gaming industry.
There is no "coincidence" between women coming forward with their sexual assault stories dealing with men in the gaming industry.
I've debated for quite some time whether I've wanted to say something or not. I don't think I was ready in the past to confront everything that has happened to me, but seeing all of these amazing, strong, beautiful people come forward and share their experiences, I finally feel like it's time to share mine.
Back in 2011, I started creating YouTube videos under the name iLoveKangarooos. I posted mainly Black Ops 1 commentaries discussing whatever the hell I thought was relevant. Shortly after, I began becoming more involved on the Twitch scene, screen name omgKangaroos. I watched a lot of people play the DayZ mod, but mainly focused on Hutch and Seananners. Through them, I discovered GoldGlove and his community, somewhere in the middle of 2012. I fell in love and felt at home, befriending a lot of people in his channel. One of his mods/editors in particular I became pretty close with, and after discovering that he was in fact a guy and not a girl, we were inseparable. I was 17 at the time, and he was a few years older. We talked constantly, and only after a short while knowing him, I committed to going to PAX East 2013 with him and two other people. I knew it was a huge jump, but I trusted this person and felt like he would take care of me.
Flash forward to PAX East 2013. For the most part, the trip was fantastic. There were only a few instances where I felt uncomfortable or awkward, and I chalked it up as a win.This person and I shared a bed, and I remember him constantly asking me to cuddle. I wasn't really feeling it, so I continuously said no. One night, we were hanging out in a hotel room with some people because we weren't all 21 and couldn't go to the parties. We were drinking Heineken and I remember him sending me a text, while he was sitting next to me, that he was a light weight and that he wanted to kiss me. I remember reading that and feeling weird. We never ended up kissing, and the rest of the convention went on with this weird tension. I went home, and after a little bit, things resumed to whatever "normal" we had.
We planned for him to come visit me in August 2013, right before I went off to start my Freshman year of college. I was excited to see him, as I felt newly close to him after everything that happened at PAX. The first day he was in PA, we just chilled and everything was normal. The following day, my mom and her boyfriend said that they wouldn't be home for dinner (although I can't recall the reason why) so him and I decided we were going to go to Target to get groceries for dinner. We ended making steaks and pasta with alfredo sauce, and had some Shock Top beers to complete the meal. I didn't eat a whole lot, and I don't think I ever finished my beer, but the meal was enjoyable regardless.
Afterwards, we went up to my room to hang. I don't remember if we were watching a movie or playing video games or what, but we inevitably ended up making out with the lights off. This was the first time we actually kissed.
Before he came to visit, I reiterated how I didn't want to have sex because I was a virgin and I wasn't ready. He said he understood and respected my wishes, and I thought that was the end of it.
However, during making out, things started to escalate and he ended up performing oral sex. During it, he asked if I wanted him to go further. I didn't know what he meant, so I stayed silent. He continued what he was doing, and I heard a wrinkling noise. I chose to ignore it, and soon after I felt him inside of me. I froze, confused as to how I got there. I started crying pretty soon after, and I remember him being on top of me and looking me dead in the eyes. He saw me crying, and he continued. After a few minutes, he asked if I was okay, to which I told him no and pushed him off me. I told him I wanted to be away from him and kicked him out of my room. I took the sheets off my bed and threw them in the laundry room. I sat on my bed for hours and cried. I felt so violated, but I couldn't properly process what happened. Long story short, he stayed in the guest bedroom in my house until he was scheduled to leave.
We had a text conversation about the incident while he was still in my house. I asked him why he brought condoms to the visit when he knew I didn't want to have sex. He said he always had some just in case. I remember taking issue with this and questioning why he had one in his pocket, at the ready, when we were alone in my house. He kept repeating the same excuse.
For the rest of August, I crept into a deep depression and stayed mostly in my room. I had major anxiety and couldn't function on a normal level. However, I still didn't understand where things went wrong. We didn't talk for a while after that.
I first started to realize I was raped when I had to complete an online sexual assault web training before starting college. Some of the things I read applied directly to what happened to me, and I didn't know how to process. I repressed my feelings, and a few months later, began talking to him again. Things felt slightly off, but we both brushed the instance off and continued being "close."
I wanted to go to PAX East 2014, but was having financial struggles. He said he would pay for everything if I could somehow make it to Boston. I ended up going, and I remember I felt super uncomfortable the whole time. I was constantly texting my one friend from college because she made me feel safe. He would get jealous because he knew I had a crush on her, and that created more tension than necessary. One instance during the trip, he mentioned how he was annoyed that he was paying for everything, and that I should've been more prepared when coming to events like that. I could tell he was trying to be rude because I wasn't interested in doing anything remotely intimate with him. Looking back, I realize he acted like that because he was spending quite a bit of money paying for both of us, and I wasn't interested in doing anything with him. It almost felt like he felt entitled to some form of affection because of the financial circumstances. Regardless, I ignored everything and hung out with other people for the rest of the weekend. When I returned to college post-convention, we stopped talking completely.
It took me several years to come to terms with the fact that I was raped by him. I made countless excuses for his behavior, I blamed myself for not being able to say No in the moment, and I hated that I pretty much ruined my chances at becoming a bigger streamer because he had connections to popular creators at the time. Once him and I stopped talking, it seemed like my friendships with these other people vanished. I'm not sure what he told them about why I didn't come around anymore, and quite honestly, I don't really care.
I held onto this burden for so long, debating if I ever wanted to publicly call him out. A lot of people still look up to him and think he's a great guy- even people who I told about the incident. I can't sit by any longer. If these brave souls are able to share their stories, then so am I. Even if it helps one person feel safe, understood, or strong themselves, then it was worth it.
I know some people may think I'm lying, or that I'm twisting facts because I "regret the encounter." Just know that every day, every hour, every second, I carry this with me. I would never lie to cause harm to anyone. I would never wish this on anybody. I went over the entire situation with my girlfriend before typing this, and I realized I needed to say something. I may be several years late, and people may not care anymore, or they mad badmouth me and call me a liar, but I feel like this needs to be said.
The fact of the matter is this:
In August 2013, Geo, or ActaBunniFooFoo as some of you may know him as, raped me. He took a piece of me that I will never get back, and I have to live with it for the rest of my life.