My Full Story about SatterlizerGames
This is probably the hardest thing for me to type. I had made a tweet earlier to my friend that said "maybe one day I can name him" and well today might as well be that day since he decided to tag me in a previous post. So now I'm able to tell my story.
In 2016 at Pax West in Seattle; myself, Satterlizer and others were staying together. At the time the time Satt and myself were actually friends, in my mind I considered this to be a be a great idea for myself. It was the last night and we all decided to go to this really cool cosplay club to hang out. Satt and I went together and got a drink then we waited for our friends to get there. In my recollection I remember having one redbull vodka, one fireball shot, and 1 jagerbomb (that i shared with my friend). The last thing I remember is walking out of the bathroom with another female streamer and then woke up upstairs at the place I was staying at with nothing on but my panties.
I woke up that morning feeling very confused and not knowing what had happened to me. That whole weekend, I was sleeping downstairs on the couch (it folded out into a bed) but I woke up upstairs. I had no memory of walking up there. I remember Satt coming in the room saying "Good morning!" and I proceeded to asked him what happened. He then said "oh we had fun and we had sex." Confidently and very smug like then chuckled. At the time, I had thought he was just joking because I have a condition where I have a cyst on my vagina lip that when i have sex, it swells up. I was very confused because I also wasn't nauseous. Every time I have ever been drunk, I either throw up or I end up super nauseous the next morning which... Yet I was neither. The only time I have blacked out was when I was 21 at my friends house and when I woke up, I was SUPER nauseous. I knew that something didn't add up and knew I was drugged.
I have no evidence that Satt drugged nor saying he did, but I do know that I did not have the capability to consent. But we will go more into that.
Let's talk about what happened at the club. I had a few friends who were there who watched over me. (Again, I was blackout and no knowledge of what happened.) Sure, in videos and pictures I looked fine but over time I was unable to walk, stand, keep my eyes open, and much less I couldn't even communicate accurately. My friend had to put me on his lap and hand feed me water, just to attempt to ensure I would be okay. Throughout the night, Satt said I made out with him which could be true... but he also saw the state I was in and proceeded to do it anyways. Then my friend said Satt picked me up over his shoulder, carried me outside, called an uber and took me home. My friend proceeded to follow him outside to tell him that he would go with us and Satt told him "Don't worry, I'll take care of her" At the time, my friend was like okay yeah she's staying with him it'll be fine.
After I woke up and I had that short talk with Satt, I was in denial and just really confused. I tried to remember what had happened and was just really frustrated. That day, we had to pack and get ready to depart to head home. Satt was like "hey, we need to go and get Plan B" and that point, I was like there's no way we had sex, there's no way. That whole time we went to cvs, I was uncomfortable, trying to still figure out what happened and make sense of everything. I can't remember who bought the Plan B but after that, we went our separate ways and I went to my friend's place and that's when he told me the story. I never took the plan B cause I was so convinced that he didn't due to my cyst and knowing my body. (Also have medical issues that I can't take Plan B.) Even so... he took advantage of me regardless and I felt sick knowing that.
For years, I never really knew the TRUE story of that night. It was such a blur and I was in complete denial. I didn't know what to do with myself and was scared to tell people that Satt (regardless of sex or not) he took advantage of me. Me and Satt were also in the same management group and had same sponsors so I had to see him EVERYWHERE. I tried to act like what he did didn't effect me and just played the nice card. I was new to my management so I just acted like nothing happened (the random tweets, niceness etc.) Until his ex tweeted him calling him out about how i accused him of sexual assault. That's when I finally found out the full story.
I made a statement telling a little of my story and did not name him. After that tweet, I had a few others message me telling me what they saw and heard and how that night NEVER sat okay with them. One was a twitch staff member who was at the club that night. She told me she saw him giving me drinks left and right and she herself walked up to the bartender and told him to not serve Satt because I was completely gone and couldn't even stand. The next witness was AT the house and he was on the phone with another big youtuber. (All 3 witnesses would like to stay anonymous until they want to reveal themselves.) The youtuber that was actually there described me "not able to stand for myself" and both could hear that I wasn't able to make full sentences, just gibberish. Again, I slept down stairs on the couch but Satt, brought me up stairs to a bed. (The other roommate we had left that night so that room was empty.) The youtuber on the phone was telling the other to stop him countless times and the one that was there wasn't sure what to do so, didn't get involved. Satt had to help me walk up the stairs because I couldn't do it myself.
This is where the story does get a little strange. If knowing Satt, hes very vocal about him having sex with other females but for some reason he didn't tell people we did but yet, the witness HEARD him for 45 secs doing things to me, came downstairs and was very defensive and acting strange asking if THEY heard and Satt said the condom broke. Whether I said I consented or whatever Satt claimed, everyone saw I was clearly NOT able to consent on my own especially if he himself had to pick me up over his shoulder to take me home.
For YEARS, I have had to deal with this and I got a little closure from talking about it when I made my first statement.The reason I may have not believed that we have "had sex" because of my cyst and that alone until I had a conversation with my sister who was, at the time, an EMT (after finding the full story) in which we did some research in finding out that date rape drugs can actually affect the body by numbing it which could have caused the cyst to not be triggered in response, adding as well the timing between the assault had been a short amount of time. My body was taken away from me... I hated my body. After I learned there were witnesses, I told my mother what happened and she told me "to go pray". Luckily my sister and friends were there for me. For years, I felt like my body was covered in this black tar.... like I wanted to legit die. I didn't have insurance so I wasn't able to go see a therapist so my coping mechanism was in fact to do lewds and regain how I saw myself. To this day, I struggle to see my body as my own and I can finally stand even seeing my body. I still have panic attacks and can't sleep at night. The years of trauma this boy has given me is terrible and it's time to hold someone like him accountable. I know there are others who experienced something like this and my heart truly goes out to you all.I really just want to hug you all so much because this is the HARDEST thing to get over.
Now you can see why it is so difficult for a woman to share her experience. This right here is why victims are scared to come out... this is why I was TERRIFIED to bring it up. Even years after I initially had shared this; I am still being attacked, shamed, and called a liar just so that the person who assaulted me could sleep better at night. Some people will stop at nothing to silence our voices and I hope that you will continue to stand with me - and use this moment to truly understand how difficult it is for any woman (even men) to share their story.