BG｜Caravan Puff~ 🏳️⚧️ · @Caravan_Puff
19th Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
Update and Clarifications
Good evening. It's been about a week since I've taken the step to log off of Twitter to better myself of past mistakes. I haven't been fully aware of everything that's been said about me since I left, but I've wanted to talk about a few more things before I think I permanently step away from this account and Smash.
I should also mention that when posting this, I will still have not logged onto Twitter and seen any messages given from there. As mentioned in my previous post, if you really want to reach me, you can do so via Discord. My name on there is: <(◕◡◕)> | (BG) Caravan Puff~#2533
Firstly, since this incident started, I've found a professional therapist to help me. We're meeting weekly, and we're talking about the things I've done that were wrong, how I've felt from then and now, and what I can do to prevent mistakes like that from ever happening again. It's a slow process, yes, but in all honesty I'm just glad to have found support about this so quickly.
As I'm growing and looking back at the situation, I want to also clarify some things that I think people are wrongly assuming I did. I don't blame anyone for trying to come to these conclusions, but I still think it's important to get this stuff out there.
The underage thing. This is incredibly hard for me to talk about, because it's something I regret so much that it's hard for me to even think about the events that went down. This is going off my memory, as I'm not strong or capable enough yet to look at every single message of the past to truly confirm these things. Even still, I'm 99.9% positive what I'm about to say is true:
The relationship was not sexual, It was a status. I was not going out of my way to try and sexually take advantage of this person, we never shared anything of that regard, or even things like roleplaying. With that said, Even back then, I knew briefly after the relationship started, it was a terrible idea, and I ended it as quickly as I could. The relationship only lasted a few months, and would have lasted even shorter had I gotten a bigger courage to say "No". I'm not saying this to look like a victim, I'm saying this because even when I fucked up, I was not condoning any of those actions.
This brings me to some people calling me a hypocrite for calling out Ally when he returned. Firstly: His situation was much worse, considering it was revolved around manipulation and abuse, and secondly: I spoke so strongly about it was because I had realized how horrible something like that is, and that it personally spoke to me because a man in his thirties didn't realize how much he was fucking up, and how he was fairly quickly given an extra chance because of his skill. He has much more power than I ever will, and it seemed like he was taking advantage of it to return to a community he was not yet ready to come back to.
The two things I completely regret in the relationship were the cheating, and the underage situation. Everything else that's been brought up about it, however, I feel like is being completely skewed. I could go over every single situation that's been posted about me, but in the end I would just keep saying the same thing:
They were a problem either because they were A) Miscommunicated, or B) An Accident.
I had absolutely no intent to harm or psychologically break her, especially going forward from those two big mistakes. The creation of our rules and boundaries was to initially show that I wanted to move forward from what I had done and try to become a better person, partner, and friend to her. I thought it was sound, because not only was I forgiven several times for what I had done by her, but she was also the one who kept returning and asking to get back together. I would have not blamed her if she never came back, and I did absolutely nothing to help influence her return until she started talking to me again after each breakup.
This is not meant to jab at her, or say she's a bad person. This is meant to help visualize the complications of the relationship going forward. I was a paranoid frantic who wanted to explore but had fears about how'd she react, and she had underlining trust issues from my two mistakes. I know I made her unhappy in several future instances, but unlike the two mistakes, there was never a small worry of what I was doing was wrong. It would be in our rules/barriers, I would communicate to her if it happened (sometimes right after, but that was allowed in our rules), and it wouldn't thread towards any of my past wrongdoings. I should also mention that she was also willing to explore, and the creation of the rules was not just me just wanting to broaden the relationship. Before the relationship ended, I offered to close off the relationship and have it be monogamous again, and she approved-- We tried our best to keep communication tight, but no matter what I did, I noticed her unhappiness continue to rest over her shoulder.
To simply put: we were both afraid of eachother, and it had to take alot of courage and time in me to finally break things off, because it would just keep getting worse had it continued.
To conclude this very long post, I want to clarify that I don't think I'm ever going to come back to Smash, at the very least not under Caravan. If I were to ever return, it would probably be under a new tag (that I would link to from here so nobody is confused), but that wouldn't be until a long, long time from now. Even with the misunderstandings, there's still alot I want to work on before I come back (If that even happens). I want to truly grow, and feel like I can confidently put my mistakes behind me while learning their lessons.
I greatly apologize to everyone for my past actions. I still look up to so many people in this community, and I'll be continuing to follow in those people's steps and learn how to better myself for my own and everyone else's sake.