Justin · @jmshapyro

19th May 2020 from TwitLonger

Becky Lynch 2019-2020: Man of Constant Sorrow

A reimagining for dorks, nerds, geeks, and dweebazoids who like for wrestling stuff to make sense and cohere and not be bad and for their favorite friends to be treated nicely on TV. This is built only out of spare parts of what actually happened; the path of time will always return to where it was going. I cannot change the course of history to the extent that Becky wrestles Stephanie McMahon, or Roman Reigns' hypercharged white blood cells are used to discover a coronavirus vaccine and hold Wrestlemania in a stadium. "Life finds a way," as Goldberg said of The Dinosaurs.

Asuka retains the SD Women's Title against Becky. Becky hurts her leg during the match and *passes* out to the *ankle*lock.
Becky limps out at #30 in the Royal Rumble and wins. She's just in the match because she is, people do that all the time.

Becky and Ronda have the iconic face-to-face challenge the next night on Raw to make the Wrestlemania match official. And permanent. Print the programs, no backsies.

Becky (yay) defeats Nia Jax (boo). I know, I know. But because of the Irish potato and missing the Survivor Series deal. As revanche for breaking her face, Becky breaks Nia's arm as a RECEIPT, writing her out for her ACL surgery. She calls her the b-word, probably.

Are there two PPVs between Rumble and Wrestlemania? Jesus why. Well instead of all the self-defeating nonsense that happened between Rumble and Mania, the intermediate feud is just Horsewomen (reluctant partners Becky and Charlotte and new women's tag champs Sasha and Bayley) vs Horsewomen (Ronnie and Shayna and their mates, temporary NXT guest stars for this month). Yeah wotta mark. Match teases glimpses of Becky vs Ronda; long-term teases Becky vs. Shayna. Becky can go out in handcuffs like Austin at Canadian Stampede. Ronda taps Bayley I guess, bc she's an unstoppable death machine in this very ring.

Becky Lynch vs. Ronda Rousey closes the show but starts at 10:30 pm because the company is not run by oblivious sadists. It is a one-on-one match that they get ample time to practice, so it's really good like literally every other Ronda Rousey PPV match. Becky pins Ronda after an actual move. Or does something Bad Ass and Cool, like breaks her arm in the diss-her-arm to make her reluctantly tap in excruciating anguish. Oh, Ronda wouldn't agree to that? Yes she would, for me, because she respects the biz and I'm nice. Whatever, I'm not a "producer." Anyway what a nice thing for all the people of the world.
Charlotte beats Asuka for the Smackdown title (**reversing** the outcome from the year before!! obviously!).
Sasha and Bayley lose the tag titles, probably not to the Iiconis but that's iirrelvant. Sasha goes home because life is sad and fuck this shit. More power to her.

The Raw after Wrestlemania, Becky has the big celebration and says "oy'm so happy, oy'm so good at foyting." Asuka interrupts; is it truly possible that she is on Monday Night Raw now?!?! "[Japanese yelling] But you never beat me!" oOoOooh. Factually this is true.

Becky does beat Asuka in a rematch from the Royal Rumble. Congrats.
Bayley wins MITB.
There was no Becky2Belts, so Charlotte is just SD champion this year doing customary Charlotte, The Queen stuff. Not my problem! I never go back to Becky vs Charlotte because it was properly blown off at Women's Revolution and the end of the Royal Rumble.

The next night on Raw, Asuka says "well, you beat me, congratulations, I'm definitely not mad." Then her protege/heater Kairi Sane debuts, blindsiding Becky, and they kick her butt!!! (Evil Io would be in this squad too for coolness, but I am sticking to the parameters of reality as we know it.)

STOMPING GROUNDS 2019 -- this show is renamed, uh, FULLY LOADED
Okay so Becky wrestles an NXT call-up on PPV after Mania, but it's Kairi instead of the SSB. Becky, cornered by her longtime friend Bayley, beats Kairi, cornered by Asuka.

Becky and her lover Seth Rollins defeat Asuka and Shinsuke Nakamura in a Last Chance Winner-Take-All Extreme Rules Match. "Oh, oh, why does Asuka's partner have to be NAKAMURA just because they're both..." What, insanely cool? and would've probably been amazing together, living it up and punching their foes in the nuts and vulva? [Also, I know The Artist is a member of the SmackDown! Live brand, but what this presupposes is that, he wasn't. Wild card rule baby.]
After the match, Brock Lesnar cashes in MITB on Rollins and F5s Becky in the process. (She took the Corbin move, so I am reallocating my special one-time exemption for man-on-woman violence.) Then Bayley cashes in MITB on Becky and becomes Evil Aunt Pam.

Becky and Charlotte each wrestled Canadian faves on this night, Charlotte facing an all-time legend and Becky facing ... a nice lady. By all rights that could be switched, but I already took everything else from Charlotte, so I will let her keep her match with Trish Stratus. Becky regains the women's title from the great betrayer Bayley.
The next night Sasha Banks shockingly returns to try to talk sense into the new mean Bayley. PSYCH she turns heel and they beat up Becky.

Sasha vs. Becky builds to a Brutal Encounter inside the demonic structure abbreviated as HIAC. I wouldn't mind belting the Boss to keep it going, but time marches forward and the Fox executives in their draft room personally covet Sasha, so Becky wins and calls her the b-word.

Raw women vs. Smackdown women vs. NXT women, the elimination match lumps in the champions too so this show can have a better main event like, uh ... Cole vs. Dunne. Becky's team has a very good pun name like "One-Man Team," but better. (Devotees may recall the other teams are named Mercedes' Frenz and The Talented Sisters Ripley.) Shayna Baszler eliminates Becky by chokeout after Becky's teammate Asuka accidentally(?) blows mist in her eyes.

Becky defeats Kairi Sane in a very professional, very safe, very humane one-on-one ladder match. No one dies. This is true for all the matches I made up, actually. Then Asuka beats up Becky with a rope or whatever was going on that night? I was going to make a "Becky's last name" pun, but my social media team is advising me that that's not cool no matter how much irony I dress it up in, including this much. Okay, Asuka runs over Becky with Kairi's sailboat, idc, you see where this is going.

Becky shoots on the marks, the suits, McMahon and demands a rubber match with Asuka, or whatever she was talking about.

Becky Lynch makes Asuka tap out in a submission match. wow, whoa.
Shayna Baszler wins the dang Royal Rumble, killing everyone and flipping over Charlotte and Rhea Ripley together to win.

Becky retains the title in the other demonic structure. Asuka eliminates everyone else in the match, but Becky triumphs over Asuka after much struggle and pain in their final showdown. Wait, was Kairi still concussed? If not, she is in this match so she can jump off the pod onto the entire Riottt Squadd.
Baszler attacks Becky after the match and freakin' bites a chunk out of her, what the heck. Baszler points at the Wrestlemania sign and then she bites the sign.

Becky retains against Shayna in the Performance Center. Sure, why not. If I were booking for an ongoing program in a normal world with fans, Baszler would've just won at the time. But the way this all played out with Becky vacating the championship and declaring her momship seems like it will go down as one of the most famous and memorable moments from this dire era (not the pandemic, the last 5 years). Becky and Seth name their child after me to thank me for writing my good wrestling idea (boy or girl, both first and last name).

The End.

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