Carocrln1

Caro · @Carocrln1

28th Apr 2020 from TwitLonger

Time to close a book


Hello everyone,

A lot of people won't care about what I have to say in this so feel free to just skip to the end for a tl;dr or just ignore this completly.

As a lot of you know, I took a break from competitive RL once already because I completly burnt out on the game and it was severly impacting my mental health and how I was treating people. It was the right decision at the time and it helped me a lot to improve mentally and attitudewise. I finally started my transition, got a job as a seasonal worker and was generally more light-mooded than when I was playing. I thought I could come back with a refreshed mindset and finally take the final hurdle of overcoming the bubble which I was stuck in for 4 years. However it just wasn't meant to be. After 8 months of trying again and failing, I'm finally ready to call it quits. I noticed that I'm heading down the self-destructive path again guided by frustration mainly towards myself. My mental health is deteriorating drastically again, impacting both social and online life, and I think being in the bubble for around 4 years is a long enough time to finally throw in the towel and just accepting the hard-hitting reality that I won't be able to follow the path I so much desired. Having a career in esports was always a dream of mine and the only thing where I truly showed motivation to achieve something because I genuinely enjoyed it. However, now at the age of 24, it's time to move on with life and stop clinging on to a dream that was so close yet so far. I've got a job again which requires me to put a lot of energy in as there is a lot of social contact required from me, I'm 1-2 appointments away from HRT and am looking to enroll in university again next year to get a degree. Basically I'm starting a new life very soon and competitive RL won't be a part of it.

I've met a lot of genuinely nice people, a lot of bad people, people that I provoked and hated me for it and people that just couldn't accept me for who I was as a person outside of all the ranked rage. People I had played with or wanted to play with calling me a thing or "it", people constantly telling me how shit I was, that I always got carried, how I was the problem in teams or that I was retarded for being trans. All those little gut punches accumulated and just made me burn out that little tick faster. I'm not saying those people are bad people as some of them hated me for my childish behaviour in ranked but it still hurt. On the other hand, the amount of people that were supportive and genuinenly rooting for me kept me going through a lot. I'm sad that I'm disappointing people that had me as their role model, which is something that always was surreal to me, and people that were rooting for me.

I'm not making the same mistake though as last time and completely cut ties with the people I enjoy being around with. I will still play RL with friends or when I feel like playing it. I'll keep competing in WCBC as it's something I thoroughly enjoy. I will keep myself involved with people and try to not isolate myself. I'm once again terribly sorry for the awful things I said during the 5 years the game is out. I'm sorry for any harm I caused and hope that everyone finds their happiness, even if we had our differences, wherever it may be. I hope I can somehow contribute positively towards the community onwards and wish everyone the best of luck for their future.

tl;dr: quitting competitive, thanks for memories, sorry for being a bitch, a lot of random thoughts.

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