Cuidate



I don’t want to claim that I knew Hache Carrillo longer or more intimately than I actually did. He taught me two courses. One was an independent research module. The other was an introductory creative writing class. The only university creative writing course I’ve ever enrolled in. In that relatively short amount of time, I learned a great deal about craft. More importantly, I spent a lot of time in his office, just talking. He changed my worldview multiple times. Just by pointing out that mathematics was a language, he forced me reconsider beliefs I had held onto for years. During the countless times he revealed my ignorance to me, he was always gentle. And funny.


With all that’s going on in the world, I’ve been thinking a lot about suffering. I’ve always thought about suffering. Is it pure evil, or can it also fulfill a purpose? In my personal experience, I’ve found that suffering helps me grow in various ways. So whenever a loved one passes away, especially if that someone is a person like Hache, I tell myself that they have completed their growth, and that whatever comes next, they have reached an end to suffering.


When I received news of Hache’s passing, I found myself filled with a desire to commune with him in some way. I searched for things to read about him, or watch videos. I re-read passages of Loosing My Espanish. But my desire was not quenched. So I decided to close my eyes and try to conjure him. I didn’t think of his physical appearance or his mannerisms per se, but rather the things I would sense when I was in his presence. The things that radiated from him. After some time had elapsed, my thinking ceased, and I surrendered. I heard a voice in my head, perhaps one I had internalized long ago. It asked me how my isolation was going. It joked with me. It imparted one final lesson, one I will take to my grave. And then it began to recede, but I called for it:
“I just want to make a toast, in honor of the great Hache Carrillo,” I lifted my bottle of water. “To good men.”
“Cuidate.”

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