Hey, I'd like to address everything that has circulated around the past week and so, as well what my plans are for my future, and how I'm going to better myself.
Alright so I guess I'll start with the uwukaylee talk, there were people on the private accounts talking about a rumour that has been out there for a few months, and I talked to both of the people that were largely talking about it. the conversation started with me wanting to be a better person and being an actual role model for the community, and I also showed that earlier that month I already talked and addressed how much of a flirt I am and how I want to change into becoming a better person and stop being a whore ( https://imgur.com/a/tAt5S8S )
They said that I hurt somebody and I had no idea who this person they told me that I hurt, and they also had no idea who but they've been going off on rumours, i've never been in the situation where I hurt someone like they made it out to be so that's where I discussed about getting them a gift ( https://imgur.com/a/QF0ugbR ) but I never went with it after listening to their points and concerns + i still didn't know who I hurt. this discussion is also the same screenshot where KBB got the dm from me and syd, cropped everything out, and took it ooc. there was also a talk that syd and my friend at the time had about her forming a coalition ( https://imgur.com/a/cT6AMWz ) if I didn't stop flirting with other girls, so everything was setup like this to where I wouldn't have anyone defend me on what happened at twitchcon, but we'll talk about twitchcon later down. Anyways, after a few weeks or so, I still didn't better myself, I didn't take it as seriously as I should have because I thought it would be fine if the other party understands that I still have a lustful side to me even if I try to be a role model. Now even if its okay for people to be lustful, I did it improperly and only talked to some girls when I was horny. From my POV I didn't see it like I was seeing them like objects but taking the time this entire week and looking at things from all sorts of different angles, I've realized that I was an absolute prick. lets continue on though with the rest of the twitlonger for now.
Sophie (uwukaylee is the girl we've been talking about on our alt account, she said that she wanted to hide the victims name, but the person behind it all was a man in his late 20s, talking about how he was bored and how easy women have it on the internet getting gifts and everything. you can find their reddit post and see it for yourself) came to my DMS about it ( https://imgur.com/a/3z8zEB8 ) the rumours shes heard which was around the same time the discussion i had with syd and fusionuni happened. and I had the name, uwukaylee. Now this was before I talked to uwukaylee about the allegations so I kept talking to sophie, yes I flirted with uwukaylee before she was 18 and it was a few days before her bday + we were both Canadian with the legal laws so I didn't see a huge problem with it, no we did not exchange any pictures during that time period and I still have the convo of my d-pics that I did sent 2 weeks after she was 18. The thing is though I really truly liked kaylee, I only had good intentions when I talked to her. After what we talked about with her past, and I even shared alot of my own details about my past it was like we understood each other more and more. I learnt more about her hardships and issues she was dealing with, and I even shared mine, and when we had the discussion about it we always would bring each other up and had each others back, I felt absolutely cared for and I really cared for her too. I only ever thought about the future of her and I in december, honestly she made me really happy and I enjoyed having her around me, always cheering me on, pushing me forward with streams, listening to me when I would get sad or lightning up the mood, as well was just a treasure in my community. She was one of the people who kept me up when I had bad days and was always truly there for me with her uppity joyful aura. All I could think of some nights is her positivity she brought to me and the sheer happiness I was given, ngl I actually really fell for her, I really wanted her to be in my life. but when I asked to date weeks later, because I honestly truly thought things could work out, I was rejected because she didn't think LDR's could work and ngl, I couldn't handle that rejection properly and I was a huge jerk where I would just ignore her instead. I didn't say anything bad obvs I just, took time to isolate and get over my feelings I had. I had my future somewhat thought out and thought we can make it work but alas, I'm just an idiot. I ended up hurting her for ignoring her like that and I made it extremely awkward trying to mend things or make things okay again, but I fucked up, REALLY hard, we ended up mending things later on but yeah, but then I finally understood why syd and fusionunifacts said there was a rumour that I hurt someone.
so I talked to uwukaylee all about the accussations and this is what she had to say ( https://imgur.com/a/HsgtUko ), I presented it towards sophie and others because of their concerns. obviously I couldn't tweet about it so for those that were still talking about it behind private accounts, they've been going off on it and still kept talking about it. then 1 or 2 weeks after, uwukaylee gets outted for being a catfish, and on that same day I also get a dm from TiniestWaifu (TiniestWaifu also tweeted out a tweet about me not denying the allegations, but I clearly did so in our dms that she took outta context) aswell I also talked to sophie about it. ( https://imgur.com/a/fGV3wRU )
The Twitchcon experience. (for this, I don't want to bring any innocent people into this drama, originally I was gonna have them, but If I REALLY have to show their names for y'all to believe it, then I will) https://imgur.com/a/axlRGE6
for Khaleesi and I, we liked each other and everything at first for months, yes I flirted with other girls but she's also flirted with others on the timeline aswell as called others daddy on stream and whatever, since we didn't have a title I thought it would be casual dating, she was not fine with it and we both had a discussion about how we felt and how it makes her feel, especially since breaking up with her ex. we did say that we'll use TC to decide whether or not we'll be together and pursue things more. Later in august and afterwards, we caught feelings for each other more and more, and maybe I caught more feelings deff, it was all too fast and it was my fault for making things fast.
So twitchcon comes around, i pissed off starhabit because I forget to get her some keychain she wanted to give to her admirer and that I also "ditched" her. I was occupied with other things and she was alone for hours which got her REALLY pissed off. It went like this, i left with overwatch friends to their airbnb to use the bathroom cause I deal with a very serious case of having a shy bladder, so that took like 40 mins to get there and come back, and once I got back I took professional pics in an out of bounds area which took me 30/40mins to get out of because I was taking pictures with @p****
once I was finally done, I met up with @c*** and her, she really didnt want to talk to me, and on the way back home when we uberd, all she did was try to guilt trip me, tried to "subtweet" but IRL (idk what the word is for this but yknow what I mean), and continously was harsh to me the entire day and the days after
I've talked it out with my friend who ran the whole airbnb at the time and I was completely hurt, like this person who I talked to at nights after streams and someone that I trusted alot is just giving me the cold shoulder and actively ignoring me when TC is all about having fun? it really hurt me, she was also a dick to @z****
Khaleesi comes later that day, she had to drive illegally just to see her friends, since she missed out on not one, but two flights. she also lost her luggage on that flight and we had to go to the airport late at night with her, starhabit, @s****, and I
She couldnt get her luggage sadly oh well, carry onto the next day. We meet a new friend at tc in the partner lounge, she gets really interested in him and I talk to other ppl np, since star wasnt partnered she couldnt come in, she waited outside. after we were all done with tc we go upstairs and into the artist alley, there we went around looking at stuff, and you see star buying a bunch of keychains for everyone (there was 6 of us? got 1 for everyone except for me :>, and it was intentional.) literally handing them out infront of my face to piss me off, it was childish so I just tried to brush it off. The day ends and I go out to drink with my other friends from my old community while the overwatch friends go out to some campfire, i give a kiss on KBBs forehead and left. the days ends with me coming back home and my friend telling me "monka" in the dms about khaleesi and the guy, told me to not overthink it so I completely understand why he told me not to, so I trusted him. On the way home I sent starhabit msgs apologizing cause I wanted things to be enjoyable for blizzcon, I wanted her to stop being childish and us to be friends again. I get home but I sit outside crying my eyes out with @n**** , he was there to help me out and helped me muster up the courage to also apologize to her in person. after I do I decide to go peak out the balcony to see what this "monka" thing is all about, and I see her, sleeping on top of the guy she met in the same day. I ask if I can cry in someones room privately and I was given @s**** bedroom, the whole night I was crying, nishik came downstairs to see if everything was alright, i asked him if he can atleast see if khaleesi can give me a kiss on the forehead for reassurance, he went ahead and asked but she was feeling tired so she slept instead. and so i cried for the rest of the night.
BUT, she wasnt sleeping, instead she went out with the guy to his hotel place to sleep on a separate bed, thats all. everyone saw it happened at the airbnb and felt weirded out about it, I cried to alot of people about it that night, and also talked to @k**** all about it till around 5am
I slept for 3 hours after. I was hurt. I knew what she went and did but she kept saying that it was nothing more. on the third day of tc I did not get drunk nor high, I was complete simp mode no joke, i wasn't my usual happy jolly self and I just didn't interact with anyone up until late at night when I was packing up to leave, and that's when I was talking to @z**** too about star, apparently star fucked @z**** over and took his bed as well as was a jerk to him, we bonded over the night talking about how bad twitchcon was for the both of us.
but yeah thats how tc went, my feelings were hurt and I didn't know what to do with them after twitchcon. Khaleesi was done with her feelings entirely and at a point of our discussion, she has completely pulled back on everything shes ever said. I was equally at fault for trying to rush things. I tell her that I would fuck off trying to suppress my feelings, I talked to literally everyone close to me and thats when I started themouffinchad account. the shit talk happened after I found out she was talking to her friends about how great the sex felt that one night and that I was delusional about everything.
it was a shitty situation, but it never went to the point of violence, if you know me I can never get angry, I flinch easily, and when I get drunk I get super duper happy and loving, if something negatively affects me during that period I bundle up and cry like a little bitch for hours. even with working with my team, if I ever mental boom, I would never direct that energy into anything, I wouldn't smash my desk, I wouldn't curse, and I would let it just sit inside me until I can talk to a coach and let out my thoughts that have been bothering me.
I do want to come clean with something though, I don't think I would be able to grow as a person nor better myself if I weren't to mention about this situation, It wasn't talked about but I'll be addressing her as "€". (before I start this story though, I do want to address that this person im talking about is NOT the "person" that reached out to KBB, this "person" actually doesn't exist. this "person" said that I talked during october/september, but the only person I talked to the entirety of august and september was khaleesibb, and a half of october was me heartbroken and still trying to figure out my feelings, and more than the other half was me and this "€" girl.)
€ and I talked to each other for the first time 2 weeks before her bday, during that time period we got to know about each other, and found out alot about each other like 1. we were both muslim and the culture background we shared is similar. 2. she was turning 18 in about 2 weeks. 3. she lived in germany so it would be pretty rough to be with each other, and that the laws were similar so I didn't really think too much about it since she was about to turn 18 aswell. We got to know each other alot, nights I would just keep talking to her because I enjoyed her company and loved talking to her. She was an amazing person, helped me throughout the whole khaleesibb heartbreak, and helped me get through all of it and figure out my feelings. She was an absolute angel, always listening to me and giving her undivided attention whenever I needed someone to talk and about how I got hurt , she also followed the TheMouffinChad account. I didn't really see anything wrong talking to her before and I had no bad intentions, I truly liked this person and we started to like each other and thats when we grew more intimate with each other alot more later on when she was 18. I thought this would be my only chance to please my entire family including the ones back in my village, they've never approved of any girl that wasn't muslim so I thought this was the chance to finally be with someone that can be approved by my family so I wouldn't have to choose between my love life or my family in the future, which i'll explain right now. ( https://imgur.com/a/ods21oT )
If you have been with me before overwatch, you'll know about an ex of mine (not going to say her name so i'll address her as ₩) and she was my very first girlfriend ever, she was 27 and I was 19 at the time but we didn't care and we both looked past it, we were with each other for months and she came over to see me in my country and meet my parents, we've loved each other for a long while and wanted to take it a step further. I never told ₩ about this until later but my entire family in the village was trying to get me into an arranged marriage with some girl (this planning has been going on for 3 years) in lebanon but it was the norm in these third world countries, I obvs did not want to and I fought for several months at the time against it because I didn't want to give up my love life and freedom for a family tradition, so I went ahead and tried to find someone to date for life and thats why I wanted ₩ to meet my family.
Anyways ₩ was absolutely perfect, she was done with schooling and was a nurse so she had everything in her life going nicely. I thought that if I presented my family about this girl that they'd accept her and see who she truly is, my ex was nothing but kind and respectful at the time, and we truly did love each other alot. but they didn't approve, they didn't like that it was someone that didn't partake in our religion (she was athiest and was filipina) and hated that she wasn't the same race and ethnic background. this actually hurt a lot and I was torn between the two, this mentally fucked me and I couldn't choose between the both for the whole week I was with ₩ IRL, I was put in a situation where I would be either disowned or I would have to absolutely destroy this girls heart. the two different cultures I have been trying to live with can't coexist with each other when they clash so hard against each other. I couldn't choose both so, I decided to lie behind my families back about breaking up with her and still continued trying to talk to her, trying to live a new life with her away from all that but I knew it would take a very long time, but after all that it really hurt my ex at the time about the whole situation, and she didn't really know how to get out of it and so, she cheated on me with my very bestfriend.
I felt hopeless, I didn't know what to do, this happened when I was in lebanon and the arrangements were still going on, I was able to ask for a few more years to work with to "work and focus on my schooling so I can be in a better place when I do get married" but that gave me a very limited amount of time. to those that I have dated afterwards they'll know that our relationship I had with them was rushed, and its my fault for rushing things, some of my ex's know about this whole situation i've been facing, some of my close friends have known about this for years and know about how i've been trying to get myself out of the family household. Honestly if I was smarter, I probably could have with going into schooling directly when I was just got out of high school.
Trying to live with both cultures is hard, especially when one holds back your freedom of anything, absolute different mindsets for each view. the arranged marriage is still happening to this day (this summer the engagement will begin, hopefully coronavirus sticks a bit longer? but im sure they'd only make it go through the fall anyways) and that's why I've been still desperately been trying to find the one to this fucking day. and that's when I thought € was the one, literally everything was fine except she was across the fucking world, sure we had the same race, religion, family background, and culture. but like how is she supposed to fly across the globe and how was I supposed to meet her and all her relatives and my relatives? in our village and family our weddings are absolutely huge and requires literally every single relative to be there, if you were to see or watch any of these weddings you'll see its not ordinary, its a way to boost your families rep, a way to give yourself a higher standard above everyone else in the village. € and I didnt discuss any of that part but I was always looking ahead and thinking about every possible situation of how things would work out with all my relationships. So we both stopped talking to each other after I made an excuse that I wanted to work on myself, I just didn't see how this fantasy I made up in my head would work between her and I.
Meanwhile while all that was happening I still was panicking cause i'm supposed to still be getting in an arranged marriage with this girl back in my village, and to this very day its been setup, waiting for me to fly back to lebanon to finally start it. I flirted with alot of girls trying to find the one and rushing things, some of it was just me being horny, others was actually me trying to find someone to date that would be suitable for my culture and this culture. The girls I did want to date had 2 end goals in my "fantasy" basically, the first one is to be able to live with them and get away from the whole family and arranged marriage ideal (which applies to alot of my exes and some girls I wanted to date like uwukaylee, khaleesibb.), or have someone suitable to the eyes of my family so they would at least let me avoid the arranged marriage. I was desperate to find the one, but that only ever bit me in the ass instead.
and now I'm at the point where I need to make a decision about my life, and in a way to better myself I'm going talk to a therapist about my past trauma, go back to schooling, get the help that I need, and aswell I'm honestly just going to go with the arranged marriage. she doesn't speak english nor can I speak that well of arabic (I can understand it very well though, and her french is actually pretty good but then again I suck with french), the language barrier its going to be hard to work with, she's accustomed to only one culture which means our music tastes, hobbies, experiences are entirely different. Our ideals and views are going to be completely different with trans/gay rights and all sort of different views, which is going to affect our children's future and ideals as well, not to mention my children will probably face the same problems and situations that me, my siblings, and cousins faced. The positive to this though is that i'll be able to give her a better life than what is in the village, but she will be not seeing 95% of her relatives which will suck so i'll be having her attention for all the time.
I need to commit with the arranged marriage, if I don't I'll just keep on hurting more and more people around me to the point where I won't have anyone, thank you to the friends that tried to talk me out of the arranged marriage but honestly, I can't get out of it without throwing my entire life away, and at that point i'll have nothing, and there's no more time to try anything. its going to be extremely difficult, but its just something I'm going to have to work with, everyone has their purpose in life and things just can't be changed. But honestly with how I handled things, I deserve it, I don't deserve to choose who to love or who to be with nor do I deserve any of that sort after what I have done and hurt others, this is my punishment but I'll accept it and learn from this. To those that I have hurt I have no idea what to say, sorrys can't heal a broken heart nor can it fix what was done, I'm going to take measures needed to be a better person, and hope I don't fuck up ever again. My sister knows all about this and we've been talking this entire week, she's going to help me get the support I need to get back on the right track.
But yeah thats all for this, not gonna do a tldr, im sorry for disappointing all my friends, fans, ex-teammates, and ex-organization for all this. what im going to do with my future is finalize the arranged marriage , seek the necessary help I need, and live a life where nothing can negatively impact me anymore and I can work on myself to do better. getting terminated is bad but honestly, sure I lost alot but that just means theres other things to gain, like my sister expecting her baby in 2 weeks, going back to school and getting something that can help sustain me for the future, being able to see my little siblings that missed me alot and seeing them with the gifts I bought them while I was away in Boston, and parents no longer worried sick of me not being home with the whole corona issue.
For those that want to stick around me, don't accept my fuckups but instead help me get through all of it and help me learn to be a better person. This is alot to read so uh, thanks for reading if you read all of it I appreciate it. I'll be taking a very long break from twitter for the time being.