First off, let me say that I'm extremely grateful for the opportunity I was granted being allowed to play in my first Riot Games official tournament. Thank you Riot for giving me another (too many) chances.
When I got the DM from Tyler telling me that he was drafting me over all the other players, I thought to myself either he thinks that I'm actually good or just wants to fuck with me. The more time we spent together practicing, synergizing and bonding as a team made me realize that this is the real deal. I actually felt valuable for the first time of my life in the League of Legends worlds.
If you're not aware, I have always had the reputation of someone who's too toxic, shit teammate, etc. I agree with all of this and I'm not proud of it. The moment I faced my first hole (2016 Scouting Grounds Denial), I just had a loser's attitude because of it and just said whatever. I'm gonna be an edgy POS that does whatever he wants instead of bouncing back, recovering and actually trying to be a better person and I will forever regret it.
------ Shadow Dogs Unleashed ------
Adrian "Adrian Riven" : I don't know what's more crazy. The fact that you were the last pick of the draft or the fact that you were my first actual friend off League of Legends. We met 4-5 years ago and were really close. I was always so grateful to have someone like you apart of my life. Unfortunately, another regret of mine is pushing the edgy, terrible persona I had on stream and I felt like at times it controlled me. I'm so sorry for the way that I've treated you and I hope I don't fuck it up this time. I love you man and I hope things can be the same like the good old days.
Max "SOY LU GO" : In 2018 TCS, I knew for a fact if I had you on my team we would be unbeatable. There's just something about you that makes you one of the most unbelievable players I've ever played with. In these last few weeks, I've implemented a lot more things into my gameplay that I thought were worthless and I cannot thank you enough for helping me become a better player and a better person. I enjoy teasing you as you're the Teddy Bear that's always smiling, laughing and having a positive attitude. I love you and hope I can learn more from you one day.
Xpecial "Alex": I'll be honest with you. I thought you were not the best pick for our team considering that you barely play the game anymore but I couldn't be more than wrong. I've also learned a lot from you and you've taught me to be a more considerate person as far as listening to my teammates calls. The fact that you showed up to this level of gameplay after being retired for all these years is one of the most unbelievable things that no one else can reciprocate. I love you and I'm sorry for the in house issue I created.
Tyler "Heimer1": I'm extremely grateful to have been given the chance to play for you and the fact that you picked me as your first pick truly meant a lot to me. I wanted to impress you and give it my all to the extent of forgetting to smile and to have a good time. The way you motivated and set the energy of the team is something I haven't felt since I've played competitive sports and I felt that my life was finally getting back together. I'm extremely glad that I finally got to meet you this year and that we've gotten closer as friends (hopefully). I love you Tyler, you're a great person (off stream).
Unfortunately, this is where the bad news comes forth and the reason for my terrible gameplay today. I was told an hour before the tournament that I'm receiving a 30 day ban for harassing another league of legends player. This is the first time in 4 years of streaming that I will be getting suspended so it got me very depressed and emotional on stream. I will be going to appeal this and hope for the best
For the first time in my life, I was seeing people support me. I truly couldn't believe it. The reddit threads, reading my chat, the DMs on social media.. I actually thought my redemption arc was going to be the real thing this time. I was actually going to utilize everything I've learned both as a person and a player to do something with all my time spent into this game.
I like being transparent and don't want people to wonder about what I did so I will be as direct as possible without playing the victim card.
Some player has been griefing me for years on-stream so I stooped to his level and let him win. I was so upset at the time I wasn't even thinking about the things I was saying. Considering I have had really good behavior I'm beyond disappointed in myself for doing this. The fact that this guy was messaging me through discord calling me the "N" and "F" words, telling me to kill myself didn't mean I should ever get on his level.
Here is the VOD hopefully before it gets deleted.
I'm extremely sorry for everything.
For the first time I could look at my chat on my other monitor and every time I would cry.
I'm truly grateful for everything my community, supporters, team, girlfriend and family have done for me to get here, but unfortunately I ruined every thing again.
I love you all and thank you for making my life worth living.