Jamie Leigh Fischer 👑 · @jamieleigh
25th Nov 2019 from TwitLonger
@DavidDillonClarkFischer Bubby, I am so sorry. This was all my fault.
@DavidDillonClarkFischer Bubby, I am so sorry. This was all my fault. Please forgive me for everything. I created and invited this all on, knowing you loved me for me, and would do/did anything, and you were put in an impossible living situation that would make anyone feel not good enough. With you, together, Fischers though are capable and stronger than anything. And I still feel that way. I was the real monster. I allowed things to push you so far away from me, you had no choice but to self preserve, protect, and distance, until eventually, you felt you couldn't breathe in this house no matter how big, and escape for your own mental health and sanity which already I know too well. The last year or so, I said and did things that were my mental illness and misdiagnosis, and not me. My mother, or anyone else here, you know I choose you. I cry all the time because I can't get certain words and events out of my mind as I detox from all of this. Mean things I said to you, or did, when we had a fight. We both are broken as you said, but you did the very best with what you had, and I know that. You did EVERYTHING FOR ME, especially in the beginning, even putting and leaving behind parts of your life that I allowed my own history with you to put up certain walls, that only made it harder for you on your end, and it was not right for an almost 40 year old woman like me to do. I am not, and refuse to be just like all the other women in your life who have turned on you, misunderstood, hurt you, or walked out. I understand you left me probably only because you knew the emotions or tears would simply be enough, and you already had enough on your mind to deal with, and I was a stupid idiot constantly texting you, or giving you more to deal with already, and you just shut me out, and figured it's time to look for someone else and an out. My heart is so broken. I hit rock bottom and got proper help. No more random medicines, pills, ever again. All the wrong ones they threw at me, all history. I had a complete and total breakdown, even though I am still crying constantly, it's only because my Bubby is a shadow, and I miss him so. Don't look at any technology, videos, it was all me being hurt and confused and trying to get some kind of understanding... but I went too far, and it was all a horrible mistake. Finally diagnosed bipolar back at Manet with our good doctor. Quit smoking. Everything bad, cold turkey, all at once right now. By myself. Too ashamed to reach out, yet so alone because I physically feel incomplete without you. You always told me the sleep medicines, all that stuff, had to stop, it was harming my body, and I knew it was time. I had to. I am sending this message out into the abyss since I haven't physically been able to move in a few weeks, and my mind, body, soul, literally went insane with all of these bad medicines oozing out of my riddled body, and me beginning to see everything more clear and trust what my gut was/is screaming at me. You were there for me when no one else was, made me so happy and accepted finally after my whole life of searching, and I know the truth, and have been crying and lost ever since you've left. I don't smile, laugh, barely eat, food has no taste, I've lost 30 lbs, the world is just a cold, dark, void without you Bubby. If this was your plan, it worked, I miss you so much and am so lost. I ran out in the cold in bare feet and wrote a message for you on the tree while I was sick, from your studio/office with a black sharpee. It's next to the shed, but with the storm, I wonder if it is still there. I even wrote you a message on Nemo, but my heart hurts because I have no idea as I said where you are right now, off the grid, who you are with, etc. I cry myself to sleep every night, although there is never any sleep since I am off all those bad yucky medicines you warned me able for so long, and I miss you more than life itself. Finally, I am listening to you. I am avoiding social media, and even technology, because I feel no matter what, this is what you hated, you loved the real and genuine, we had that, no one knows our true story, and I will not allow anyone else to force their agenda or idea of what/who my marriage should/is, ever. No one knows our life, our truth, but us; period, no matter what, and no one influences or defines me, you, and never will. I have been watching The Office again, and I stop and think of you and us whenever Jim and Pam are there on screen. I am that isolated, they actually feel like real people here now, and I remember us laying together and watching the entire season, laughing, crying, but I am crying more now since my heart is so broken. They remind me of us so much, their story, you know that. Bubby, please forgive me, this was all my fault and me reacting to others in this enviornment and me taking it all out on you, so unfairly, so strongly, pushing you away more and more, yet craving to be loved like a child unconditionally at the same time, and you provided it. You did. It's why I waited all those years for you and came for you. That is real love. The kind of love I feel for you, and I hope you still feel somewhere in there for me, never happens in a lifetime. Did I ruin everything forever Bubby? I am completely disconnected and shut down right now emotionally, because I feel what is the point. I went from having my husband there for me 24/7 to being totally alone, and even worse, still in the same house we shared and ultimately, he I guess rightly felt no choice but to leave because his wife was too medicated wrongly and self-involved to bother to help him as he needed. My Bubby is gone, and I want him back. Everything material you got me broke when you walked out, what you worked so hard for, anything, no matter how small, I always told you how much I appreciated you, because within you, I see myself. We are the same person, which is perhaps why things are so intense, but you left your things to communicate with the world behind, and you have/had nothing. Then you were forced to give away your phone, which I was told was in my best interest to do go an get at your job. I knew it was wrong, and I am so sorry. I was/am just so heartbroken, confused, conflicted, alone, but trying to fight for everything. Did/are you cheating, with someone else better, happier, I have no idea since there has been no communication, you hate me, and it is all my fault since I put you in that situation where you felt you had no choice. Now, I don't know where you are, who you are with, but you have a beautiful daughter who I pray still someday, I will meet and we can all be together. My heart broke even harder when I was made aware of your situation with her, and how you felt you needed to communicate in such secrecy, and I had no idea any of this was happening because you never shared it, and were too far closed down. That was not right of me to have put you in a position where you felt that was what you had to do because of me, my mother/family, if that was the case. That more than anything, needs to change, and if you give us a chance again, it will, I assure you. You know when I fight for things I love, I nver stop and always make it happen. This isn't about me though, it is about her, and my heart broke because you felt you were unable to maintain or nourish that relationship because of my issues and things I was going through. You were/are going through just as much, and I made it all about my feelings too often, and wasn't there to help you as you helped me. That was wrong. That is not me, or who I am. Again, I am so sorry. I failed you. I am awake when you were, I sleep where you did, even if it's on the cold floor, because you were there... I have no idea where you are now, or have been, but please, please forgive me for everything. You make me happier and tried harder than anyone, and you came into an impossible living situation that broke you even more. All you tried to do, again, just like me, was please, but for reasons out of both of our hands, we somehow had our hearts both break even more from self-doubt or feeling like failures at so much. My heart is so broken without you, my husband, and I simply am not a complete person. We are the same person, but you are stronger. I am trying to make right what I was forced to, or told to do, that I knew in my gut was wrong. Please know, it wasn't me, and I allowed others to control my decision making and influence me to do or say things that in my heart I knew were wrong. I am trying to make that change. I won't be another woman in your life who lets you down, and does the same thing everyone else did. It is not who you are, and I know this. You proved it time and time again. They forced me, and because I was dependent for certain things, I had no control without you, but am fighting back with everything inside of me. I am in love with you, I always have been and will be. I miss you, and haven't been able to feel alive or my heart beat correctly without you. I miss your face, your rubeeze, our stories, memories, dreams, future hope. I just have no idea what/who is going on in your mind and heart, who/where you are with, what is the next step in this story, and am aching for some answer when you are ready. I have your XBox, television, phone, if you need anything just come to the house. You can leave again right away, I promise you, I see everything clearly now, and with the holidays coming up, I have no idea if you have any means to communicate with your friends, family, etc. and that is important. I don't have that, but you do, and it's important you reach out to them now more than ever, and I messed that all up because of my past and what I was going through and put you through. They are all here, I cleaned and am watching over everything. Please forgive me, this, for everything. I love you. I am so very truly sorry and love you more than anything in this world. Anyone else, my husband David Dillon Fischer was a wonderful, loving, supporting husband, and accepted me and did anything in his power to make me happy, and I fully accept whatever responsibility and ownership over whatever I said or did wrong to make this my current reality.It was all my fault. I made it again, all about my feelings, and he had no choice. I know this in my gut which has never let me down once. I realize this will all come across as manic, but understand, I finally looked hard in the mirror and realize, I had to make that change at the root/core of my health, mind, and body, and this is what I felt needed/and is now completely altered and in the past. Now, I cry all the time like I said, am so lost, and dream you will show up and my heart can feel whole again. I know this isn't a movie, this is real life, but I guess sometimes when we can't have the reality so many do, we look to great romances and entertainers to fill that void in our life and pretend. I am so very truly sorry Bubby, please find me and save me, I failed you and you were left with nothing and I pushed you away, I see it all so clearly now. I have your things here, I left you a message on the tree outside next to the shed, but with the storm I don't know if it is still there or gone, but don't worry, just me is here, I love you. Please still see the good in me despite my failures and how I wasn't there to help you, as you were always for me. I love you more than life itself and my purpose was/is being your wife, I hope deep within you, you still feel I am worthy to hold that title.