Scion | Kyoto 🌻 · @KyotoSSB
18th Aug 2019 from TwitLonger
Where to go from here
I'm feeling incredibly out of place and out of touch right now regarding my relationship with smash. This is difficult to talk about simply because I have no idea how to put the way I feel into words, as it's difficult to even collect my emotions as thoughts, so I'm just going to let the words pour out. But put simple, I suppose I'm starting to feel like I'm burning out. Like I'm lost on some forlorn path and don't know where to go. Exasperated
Nothing seems like it's improving for me or getting better. It's like my play is entirely stagnant, that nothing is changing at all. I'm stuck in the same habits and, while my results at locals have been rather decent lately, my performance recently at SSC had made it impossible for me to believe that I'm anything but free tbh. I guess considering the fact that I was struggling the entire time with a serious tooth abscess and corresponding infection in my jaw, it shouldn't be anyones surprise that I wasn't able to do better than 1-2. But regardless, to me it's that's not even a valid enough excuse. I still should have done better. I should have done better than 3-2 at Xanadu. I should always be doing better
Not sure what to say. Or how to say it. I don't even know what I'm really looking for by typing this all up, realistically. Idk I just wanted to get the way I feel out and I'll probably just get made fun of for this knowing how some people are.
It just feels like I'm just falling behind. I see so many players that are doing well with my character, and doing well in general, and now there are top players picking him up and I just feel left completely in the dust. Like I'm never going to reach my goals or be able to achieve what I've dreamed of for so long...it's really such a tough spot to be in and I just am genuinely confused now at what I am supposed to do. It's like nothing I'm doing is right and like I'm just...going nowhere. People hold really high expectations of me for some reason and I don't have any idea why and it frustrates me because I feel like I'm disappointing them. At the same time, it's painful when I think about the fact that I am essentially a nobody in this community and not particuarly notable at all if we're being honest
I really don't know what to do. I don't want to quit competing, I have goals and dreams and when I think about letting go of them and letting them slip out of my reach, it really, truthfully breaks my heart. But at the same time, I'm afraid that if I continue to push myself further I'll grow even more disappointed with who I am and I'll just get more and more frustrated and confused until I give up entirely and don't look back.
Sorry for the negativity. I'll probably regret typing this but here we are