Getting Something Off My Chest
There has been a lot of speculation over the last couple months of what will happen to several teams in the off-season, and oh boy what a shuffle.
As many people have seen, the roster for Ghost in Dreamhack Montreal Closed Qualifiers is Memory, Allushin, and Mist. This changed to this roster yesterday, as I told my team I personally wanted to leave the team. Though this may come as a surprise, the rumours of the team discussing replacing me are true, all the way back from when the Drippay -> Ghost popped up.
After not having the greatest 2 seasons with Memory and a 3rd, I've personally felt like my role on the team has been lost in translation, and my identity as an individual player has changed so much to try and be the best teammate for that team, even though I may not be comfortable in that position. Over the past year I've been on the fence about leaving the team because I just wasn't enjoying how stressful it was to adapt, and it seemed like fingers pointed to me even when I felt like I played well. Maybe that was just a feeling, who knows, but I knew I made the right decision for myself to tell the team I wanted to leave before officially being kicked, if it was ever going to happen.
I think I accepted leaving the team, in whatever way, when I first heard about the Drippay move from a 3rd party. At first it shocked me, but I was fine with it because I didn't feel like my playstyle complimented, or was complimented, on the team. I'm a rotational player at heart, and I've been trying my best to be the player to adapt to anything the team needs and fill the gaps. Memory and Allushin both have a very unorthodox playstyle, which is hard to play against, but also requires a different playstyle than I have to work. So I understand why they felt they had to make a change, but I felt the same could be argued for any player on this team.
I've been really enjoying the game outside of scrims and tournaments with Ghost. Rank S, streaming, videos, maps, and so much more have made me really see another side of the game, and I'd love to continue being competitive in the RLCS, I just felt it was inevitable some sort of change needed to happen.
Anyway, before Dreamhack Valencia, I approached my team about the Drippay scrims that happened, and just wanted to know the root causes of this happening without me knowing -- I'm not trying to point fingers here, just letting everyone know the context and why I said the things I did on stream like "no, Drippay's not playing with the team," because I really didn't know. It was only one scrim with another team at the time, I assume the "reliable source" was their coach -- we talked it through and there were things I agreed I could work on, and I discussed things we could all work on, and it was going a lot better. A lot more positive in scrims, and better results because of it. Dreamhack Valencia came and went, and we ended up in the top 16, not great, but not horrible. I felt like that was the best we've played as a team, and everyone seemed to agree. A lot was learned from the tournament.
I was told by a pro friend a couple days ago, however, that Mist left BnB and was trying to get on Ghost. I'm not sure if they scrimmed with him before me knowing, but it seemed like this may have happened after The Brawl. Once again I didn't really know much about this, so I asked the team and coach about it. Now I'm not sure if this stuff is on reddit, but I accidentally leaked Silent's explanation to me (for context):
"As I've said the whole time I've been your coach, my first job is always to find where we can get the most improvement with the least effort. That means evaluating every option, in game and out, as often as possible. I've also said "play the game in front of you, not the one in your head" many times over the last 18 months.
When things are happening as you expect them to, you're fantastic and incredibly consistent. But so much of RL is now based on subverting those expectations and I still see a lot of slowness to react when your assumptions cease to match what's happening. Given that both Brax and Mem have unorthodox playstyles, looking at whether someone else can bring a similar level of mechanics with more presence of mind makes a lot of sense.
When we look good, you feel uncomfortable and I think that's largely because Mem and Brax are cutting you off. The sooner you react to that happening, the more confirmed information you use to make your decisions, the more comfortable you'll feel.
It's not guaranteed that we'll be making a change, it's not even authorised for us to try anyone out yet. The most important thing right now is to continue doing your best until we all know more about what's going to happen."
I agree with some points, some I don't, which is all very fair. I did some thinking with my family and girlfriend, and I realized just how much happier and less stressed I'd be if I just took my leave. It was sounding like Memory had already made up his mind anyway, and I wish them the best of luck with the new roster. I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen with me and my new contract, but I'm exploring options and talking with Ghost about the next steps for the remainder of the year.
I'm not writing this with any emotion attached, and I hope it didn't come off that way, because honestly I feel happier and more excited to play the game than I have in the past year, and look forward to any opportunities in the near (or far) future in this game. I pour my heart and soul into this game to be the best I can be for a team, and now that I can properly shape my playstyle that got me to where I am now, I feel really comfortable and I've been performing really well individually.
Mental health should always be #1.
Love all of you, you'll see me around <3