Panda | iBDW (Cody Schwab) · @iBDWSSBM
5th Jun 2019 from TwitLonger
My Current Situation
I'm still unsure about posting this, even as you're reading it. I don't know what resolution I expect from making this information public, but I just feel like I should be transparent and let people know why I've been depressed and have had really low energy recently. It's generally pretty hard for me to open up publicly like this, but I think I just really want this information out there. I basically have until the end of the Summer to figure out something financially, and if I can't, there's a real chance I may have to give Melee up.
The first section is going to be a "short" (as short as I can make it) description of how I came to my current situation, but if you've talked to me about my past in any significant detail, you can just skip over it.
Some background:
My mom was my dad's 4th wife (we know he's been married at least 6 times), and my sister was adopted during my dad's third marriage and was basically stolen from that wife after divorce when my sister was 3. Both my parents had major substance abuse issues and at various times were abusive phsyically and emotionally, and neglectful -- I ate cookie dough every day for dinner for about a year because that's all that there was in the house. They also got court mandated restraining orders against anyone who actually tried to come in and take care of myself and my sister (my grandma got arrested for bringing us dinner one night). My mom was in and out of rehab for most of my childhood until my grandparents threw her into a rehab facility in Chicago (I lived in NY all my life) where my dad couldn't take her out early.
My dad's 5th wife was also an alcoholic, who had two sons (both older than myself) with major substance abuse issues and would lash out periodically and try to assault my sister or myself. At some point, my dad decided he didn't love my stepmother (now dead from an unrelated heart attack), so he starved her out of the house. He had some more intermittent relationships, including with a women who got him into cocaine which I walked in on multiple times, and eventually got back together with my mother. That lasted for about a year, and then my dad got into legal trouble (he was an attorney) and fled to Atlanta without any trace or telling anybody after dropping me off at school one day (he never did that, just simply said I'm sorry without context and left), during my freshman year of high school, and my mom left the day after. I've had no meaningful communication with either since.
I finished my freshman year staying with my best friend (if you're ever in my twitch chat, he's the guy that's a mod and you have absolutely no idea who he is) and then my grandparents took me in. The next three years were definitely better; my grandfather was a remarkable person, and my grandmother (while she can be very problematic, outlined later) was largely kept in check by him, so only her good traits really showed too much, and she definitely means well.
When I went to college, a few medical issues cropped up: I had been taking ADHD medication, but due to heart issues that arose from it, I had to stop immediately, and started taking a slew of different medications. I became suicidal and extremely depressed from a variety of medications, and I also started to develop the stomach issues to the extent that I have them now, which caused me to miss an entire month during one semester. Even still, it was definitely the calmest point of my life by a landslide, and after I graduated, I took a year off to work and play Melee before going into Law School after Smash Con 2018 (my supposed last tournament).
Once Law School started, my grandfather's health began to deteriorate immensely, and he was essentially in the hospital for about six months. During this time, my grandma's mental health also began to clearly deteriorate. but she would consistently lash out at me while I was in school, repeatedly berating me and craving emotional support whenever I was home (I was at school for 12 hours every day doing work) and eventually she began to do things like banging on my door at 2 am screaming at me and threatening to kill herself if I didn't do what she wanted. I called the cops when this happened, and when she was questioned, she said she only said that to "get a reaction out of me." I began seeing my psychiatrist who I had seen four years ago and she had seen since. I immediately moved out, dropped out of law school, and stayed with my aunt for a few months.
At Genesis, I had to leave early because my grandfather was on his death bed, and he died while I was getting ready to go see him once I came home. At this point I kind of figured I had to move back, but then my sister (who had been stealing money from my grandparents for years) broke into the house when she was clearly not allowed to, and tried to steal from her again. My sister has stolen well in excess of $100k from my grandparents and outright lied about work/rent/car payments. Presumably most of the money went to her (shocking, I know) substance abuse habits. Despite all the issues I had with my grandma, my entire family basically told me I had to move back, and I felt that I had to as well, so that's where I live now.
This was an abbreviated version, but there's just way too much to put in here, so this is the shorter version I'll leave for now.
My Current Situation:
At this point, my family consists of myself, my grandmother, my aunt and her kids, and my uncle and his wife/kids. I have a full restraining order against my sister for a minimum of five years. The rest of my family does not get along with my grandmother (more on that later), but they also do not support the fact that I'm playing Melee, they actually hate it. My grandmother also dislikes it, but my issues with her really do stem from elsewhere.
I'm sure you know at this point that I'm a full-time Melee player, and I really, really want to give this game a shot. The issue is, it's a financial burden because Melee is just not fruitful financially, and NYC has literally no locals that I can use to supplement my income. I also am not physically able to work again yet due to my medical issues so even if I wanted to take that route, I really can't yet. Travelling has become far too much of a financial burden, and I'm easily the most broke I've ever been in my life. This wouldn't be an issue normally, but my family HATES videogames, and my grandmother is very manipulative/narcissistic despite what I believe to be good intentions: she'll offer to help pay for a flight, but then immediately hold it over my head and use that to make me feel shitty or play guilt trips. It's hard to give tangible examples, but to give you an idea, my psychiatrist charges $200 per session, but because he understands my grandma, he's not charging me anything to see him once per week because he's said that I have to remove all ties from her financially. This isn't a cry for help, but rather just an explanation of what's been going on, and why I needed to start doing donation goals.
At home, basically every day is a soap opera. My grandmother is (clearly) very stressed, and I get that. The issue is, she takes it out on me because the rest of the family has already cut ties with her, and I'm someone who is not yet mentally stable, I'm still working on my mental health. She comes into my room an absurd amount, and it's always either to cry about her life, or make me feel like shit about mine. She'll consistently say that I'm a bum with no future, a lazy piece of shit, ungrateful, a miserable person, etc. and this happens a ridiculous amount of times per day. She's faked fainting in front of me to get me to worry about her, faked tripping, exaggerated her pains immensely, just anything for the slightest bit of attention. She'll also go on phone calls after we fight, and talk REALLY LOUDLY about how horrible of a grandson I am so that I can clearly hear it, and if you try to stop arguing with her (closing the door, locking it, asking to talk about it later, etc.) she doesn't get the message and will keep pushing it, bang on the door, yell through it, and so on. I got home yesterday from SnS, and immediately she was just telling me everything that went wrong this past week and was trying to make me feel guilty for travelling this sunmer because she needed so much help (despite the fact that she has help in the house, and consistently denies it from anyone other than myself because she wants me to do it). I of course feel horribly about her situation and the fact that my grandfather passed away, but the issue is that she's the one who pushed her family away, and if you ever try to talk to her and explain that, she goes on a rampage (and I mean an actual rampage, throwing glass, screaming, self harm, etc.). I just want to try to live my own life, I'm 24 years old, and it feels like I'm trapped here. I also feel guilty about leaving, because they did kind of rescue me when I was in high school, but I have to do my best to separate those emotions.
The culmination of this, is that basically I have until the end of the Summer to figure something out financially. If I can't make Melee sustainable, chances are I'm going to have to quit. My family will not support this (my aunt said I had to get my shit together while I was with her, she wouldn't have me doing this, and I know my uncle feels the same), and I can't continue living in this house under these conditions. I know it might be hard to understand the situation from reading, but I promise if you talk to the people closest to me, they'll vouch that this is an unlivable house -- even the help who has been here for 30 years is leaving because they can't take her anymore either. My psychiatrist has even talked about dropping her because he can't deal with her in the absurdly short doses that he does, and has said that he can't even imagine what it'd be like to live with her. Even with my friends, one day 2Saint was over, and she went behind my back to talk to him about how I don't love her and I'm ungrateful, etc. just looking for pity, all because I didn't change the fucking PROPANE TANK ON A GRILL BECAUSE I KNEW IT WORKED! It's ridiculous, especially if you know the extents I go to to make sure she doesn't do anything harmful. I can't take the chaos in this house, and my mental state is only going to continue to get worse. Even when I'm not involved, there's always screaming and crying about something else. Every. Single. Day. For hours at a time.
I don't really know what I'm looking for from this twitlonger, as I said before. I guess I do just want this information out there. It's affecting every facet of my life: my mood, my play, my relationships with people, my energy levels, my streaming capabilities, and I hate having to go to anyone for help. I hope this clears up exactly what's been up with me, and I'm really sorry for feeling just genuinely miserable on twitter/stream recently. I know the answer is just to keep pushing and try my best to make this work (this is also why I desparetely needed Summit), but it's going to be hard for awhile, especially because I have absolutely no reserve money anymore. I'm going to have to figure out how else to monetize myself. Thank you so much for reading if you got to this point, the fact that you care enough to read really means a lot to me <3.