Bobdunga🌈 · @bobdunga92
31st May 2019 from TwitLonger
Putting stuff to bed.
This post was made a good couple of weeks back. I was afraid to speak on it at the time, and I was afraid to name him, and after talking to friends then a few weeks ago, I panicked and instead opted into making that thread that you had seen on my page. I feel like I would have been better off just posting my original statement, as tweets get lost. This statement i'm posting all took place before our phone conversation.
Before I start, I want to say, I am really disappointed by how he has chosen to respond to things. Rather than actually owning up to any of the abuse that took place, or even bothering to tell people the worst of it, he simply apologized for putting me through "what i thought was abuse" and then quickly moved on in his statement to saying "everything else is false though, i never sent my family and friends to stalk her." Let me tell you, the monitoring of my pages was happening for a long while, it even continued when my profile became private, and i had already posted evidence of that. This was known to a small group of people, as anytime someone he knew would follow, then i would save it and send it to said friends.
I was harassed by fans even before this when i thought stuff with him and i was alright. If you act in a way that is manipulative, you do not have to outright tell someone "hey go attack this person" for it to be underhanded. There are ways of getting people to act out for you without you having to lift a finger, it is a tactic that happens all the time in abusive relationships. Everything he did was covert, and he would run to anyone that would listen, give a skewed version of events or paint himself as the victim, have them get upset, and then he would tell them exactly where to find me :/ he would share this with people he knew were reactive and would be willing to feed into that. That is, underhanded and intentional, especially since this was done multiple times. Buy into his lies if you want but I'm here to post the stuff I had been afraid to post prior.
Pretending like he is taking a break for his mental health and because this has been "overwhelming" is a convenient cop out, as he had texted me this all the way back in January, that he wanted a break from Youtube. He said this again in March, and then again during our last conversation. He always chalked it up to him feeling unmotivated and wanting a change, even applying to school recently. None of his career choices had anything to do with me, and even before stuff got bad, he made this clear. I will not sit here and let him use this situation as a way to place blame, when for an entire 8 months, i was having severe emotional lows, finally speaking to a therapist about it and talking to people on hotlines because of the stuff he was putting me through. And all the while, no one is thinking its strange that he claims to have went through so much trauma for me speaking up, all the while refusing to address or admit that he tortured me for most of the relationship. I am tired of this.
Here was the post I originally intended to make. The original post also did not name him, but by this point you already know who its referring to.
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There is something I want to address that has been eating me up inside for a really long time. And after I say what I have to say, I might take a full social media break. Just post my videos, and be in my own bubble. I want to be able to speak my truth and be left alone. I don’t want people to send me harassment because their idea of a wholesome creator get shifted after reading this. So if you’re already in here ready to send me hate, please just leave me alone.
For that very reason, I am right now choosing not to name this person. If you know who I’m talking about, then do not name them on my post. I don’t want this to be like a year ago when myself and others opened up about pbat and his inappropriate relationship with minors only to have idiots calling him an “ebophible” (which in hindsight, is kind of strange, because a lot of those same people are down to call ProJared a pedo even though they did the exact same thing, so I guess it’s just a matter of how popular the general consensus is)
Something about that situation with Jared, and a lot of situations as of recent, with people sharing their stories is really pushing me in the direction to at least talk about my experience and let people know that it’s not okay. I keep vague tweeting it, but I’m ready to actually talk about it. I also don’t really have it in me to try and formulate this in a coherent way, so a lot of this is going to sound like rambling.
The reason I posted a video on mental health, and how to try and cope with it, and had taken two months in between posting, was because at the time, I was going through a highly emotionally manipulative relationship with another content creator. I put my trust in someone, shared my history with him, and he took the trauma I shared and used it in ways to abuse me throughout the 8 months of dating him. My mental health was taking constant hits, and on their end all they would do was push out weekly content, paint me in a negative light to their friends to create miscommunication, and put himself in the role of the victim. If I told him his actions hurt he would twist it and tell me I was hurting him, and I would apologize for bringing the issues up in the first place.
He would build me up, compliment me on my work ethic, only to tear me down shortly after. This became a really messed up pattern. The relationship would start off with him being excited and encouraging, to me just being blamed for a lot of his “distance issues” even though he had admitted he was this way long before he met me.
In one situation, my s/o was planning on starting a podcast and already had an editor in mind. They would do nothing but complain about this person and their work ethic, and say they weren’t doing anything with their lives. He would even make fun of him “being a loser” constantly, to which I would tell him wasn’t right, and we’d have conversations of me telling him to lay off of him. Complaining about his friends and acquaintances was very common with him. He later asked me if I would be interested in taking on the role. And on an almost weekly basis, whether or not he wanted me to be editor always changed, whether I brought it up, or we would discuss it, only to find out I wasn’t a part of it anymore. Id be excited, then disappointed, because hes always change his mind and then guilt me for being upset. It would usually happen like this:
“Actually, I want my friend to do it”, a week later he would say....“My friend is unreliable and lazy, I already paid him too, maybe you could do it?”...Then, when I would ask they would say “I don’t think that’s a good idea since we are dating” to “Hey, I understand you’re struggling a bit, I’ll pay you for this” I think the term is called the ‘dangling carrot’. They would dangle opportunities over my head, and when I would reach a point of frustration, the conversation was always flipped on me to me being demanding. They would only share my reaction with their friends and NOT tell them why I was reacting that way. And I actually bought into this and would apologize. They had done this when they asked me to move in with them, only to withdraw that offer and a week later announce their friend was moving in soon. They would make offers and then later decline because “the relationship was fresh” but it happened so often that I see now it was a way to manipulate my emotions. They would do this with special events or invites like New Years. If someone does this constantly on a regular basis, even when confronted, please know it is being done to hurt you.
I spent New Years Eve alone, because hours before, they were on the phone with me deciding whether or not they wanted to stick around, because “while they loved me” they also “wanted to be single” They weighed the pros and cons to themself over the phone, like I had no feelings, then ended on telling me “Yeah, I’d rather spend new years surrounded by all my friends. Sorry”. He called the next day to try and patch things up. This was a pattern and almost happened on my birthday too.
Quite often they would push and pull me away for reasons that had little to do with me. They were super avoidant and any affection I’d ask for, I’d be guilted and told “I simply demand too much” or that “texting and discord conversations don’t feel like anything special, why bother" when I insisted that if we communicate that way, since we live long distance, it would make me feel closer to him from where I lived. Long distance couples communicate online all the time. He initially was excited to do this and then soon after made it seem like it meant nothing or was an inconvenience. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that didn’t view phone calls as something sentimental and instead saw it as a bother. But that’s exactly how he treated me, like a constant burden on his life.
He would always say “I make too much money” and would note that sponsors were unnecessary because he had enough. He emphasized this and noticed that I was struggling financially (a lot of my paycheck would be saved and the other bit would go to my family, this was something i had shared with him multiple times) and offered to cover gas expenses for when he came out to see me. Sometimes he would drive down to see me, and sometimes he would pick me up and I’d stay with him for a day. I was hesitant to accept, but he assured me that he was just doing it to help out. We only saw each other on a weekly basis, maybe less at times, so although I was reluctant, I accepted. And it didn’t take him very long to use that weakness in arguments after that. He would tell me that im “not a suitable partner, not reliable, nor do i offer any emotional support” like im some kind of action figure or robot or something that wasn’t up to snuff. He would say “You can’t even pay for gas..” So much emotional support was offered on my end, I would suggest we go out to places or even just stay in and enjoy the time we had together. Id be there to listen to the issues he had, but whenever it was convenient to him, he would tell me that i didnt offer anything to his life, and i actually believed it. He made me feel useless whenever he was good and ready.
And that really fucking hurt, because I wouldn't have accepted the offer he made to cover gas knowing he would use it to justify me not being “equipped” and hold it over my head constantly. He would make me feel bad about myself for still living with my family, when two months into our relationship, he moved out on his own in a place owned by his mother, where he pays a fraction of normal rent. Even knowing the hypocrisy of a lot of it, I still felt like utter shit throughout the relationship. He would constantly tell me “I shouted you out, most people wouldn’t do that” and was always very adamant in trying to convince me that he was a good guy, and that he was looking out for me almost as a mentor, but anytime I had asked for any form of support,(he had a habit of telling me one thing and then doing something completely different) he would remind me of his “shout out" and how others wouldn’t be as lucky to get that. I confided my frustrations about the industry to him, and instead, the conversation was flipped on how "i should be more appreciative of his shout out", and that "I dont need it from anyone else because, no one else would yield the same results of his shout out". When i worked hard and opportunities would come up, he would downplay it and ask "why would they ask you?" He took it as a personal slight. It was fucked up. He constantly toyed with my emotional needs and feelings, and would bounce from telling me he didn’t have feelings for me nor loved me, to him wanting to spend the rest of his life with me, and to just be patient on him. And I stuck around because he kept holding out lines for me saying “anything's possible, im not closing the door, yet im also not holding it open”, and I wanted to believe I wasn’t being manipulated. I knew he seemed to have issues, but I wanted to believe he wasnt in control of how he was behaving, and that he would eventually get some kind of help.
He would triangulate me with friends, dumped me a month into the relationship after our first night of sleeping with each other (to which someone called him out for it). Literally I would get dumped after certain days of high emotional intimacy like bdays, holidays etc. An endless list of inappropriate behaviour. He had one friend be there to pick up the pieces for him and constantly play mediator between the two of us, who was inappropriately involved in the relationship. and frankly, that shit is wrong and should not have been happening. He set this up of course, and told them all of my issues with abuse prior to me meeting them. My mistake was getting close to that person, as he set them up to be the "go to" person to talk to if i had issues. If i told my actual friends, he would try and get me to drop them. He would paint me as a sob story to everyone, whereas most people introducing their significant other probably wouldnt reveal so much personal information about them to others off the bat. That’s called framing a narrative. He put me on display as broken, then would talk down to me for showing emotional weakness. There was just a lot of triangulating, and the first time he broke up with me, he sent a friend that I never met, to dm me and apologize on his behalf. None of my friends were doing that, especially not so early on, only near the end when my close friend was tired of seeing him constantly pull me back and forth and give me false hope that stuff would improve.
There is so much more I experienced with them that I don’t even know is worth going over because I’m really only recounting the things at the top of my head that has continued to fuck with me. He told me he lacks empathy, that he doesn’t feel love, and this was something I was not told when we had first started seeing each other, this was a confession a few months in. In fact, the first time we met, he was really insistent that I take the Myers–Briggs test before our first date, and he ended up being nothing like the results he kept telling me he identified with. All of my relationship with him was calculated. And I wanted to try and help him, still believing he wasnt as riddled with issues as I thought, because there were good times too. And those good times really blinding me from all the bad stuff that was going on. Anytime I tried to get close to him, I would be rewarded with love and then punished almost the next day. It didnt make sense. My mistake was not being able to tell myself that this was wrong. I only confided the messy parts of my relationship to two people, and one of the two he actually rejoiced about when he heard I cut her out of my life, because he took offense to her telling me “If he broke up with you two times, whos to say he wont do it again” We have since reconnected, and her being in a series of abusive relationships herself, recognized what was happening, and only tried to help me during that time.
He broke up with me towards the end of Valentines Day. I posted about how happy I was on social media like a fucking idiot, and the following day, was told he needed space for something that he was responsible for. None of it made sense. On Valentines Day, he had pointed out a blemish on my body and it made me self conscious. I have been struggling with hyperpigmentation for a really long time, and after being sexually intimate with him, he pointed it out and asked what it was and how long id had it. I explained to him what it was and he said it didnt bother him, but instead of stopping, he went on a rant and the last thing he said was along the lines of “Is it nice to look at?....Obviously not” to which I clamped up and was hurt about. I sat around moping for a good 20 minutes before he finally apologized for what he said, and he begged me to not be upset and ruin a good day. I didn’t want to ruin our day so instead I let it go and we ended up having a really nice rest of the night. The following day he told me he needed space because, me being upset at HIM insulting me, made him feel hurt and not understood. And therefor he wanted to be alone- after guilting me for being upset for 20 minutes. Like, what the actual fuck? That still doesn’t make sense typing out. Not being understood was often an easy defense on his end for getting away with abusive behaviour. And he added “also the morning after, you didnt want to have sex with me and it made me feel unwanted” when he said this to me, I was floored and confused, because I was not even fully awake and was just cuddling a pillow, and didnt realize any of the cuddling he was doing was any sort of sexual advance. He said I made him feel anxious. It just felt like he was pulling oit whatever he could to make me feel worse and to make himself look like a victim. To be blamed for things that you aren’t even responsible for, nor is even taking place, is some really fucked up gaslighting.
Constantly taking space, and constantly treating me like I was a posession or something unreal that was devoid of feelings was just so common. I was like an object. There was a time we broke up, and I was actually content with the break up, and not groveling like I did most of the time. And the moment I showed little to no emotional response to this, he suddenly came back wanting to make things work. Around that time, I was also getting attention from a creator he tried to befriend. It was this person reaching out to me that suddenly prompted him to want to fix things. This was something that creator had also noticed and spoke to me about, and i hope of they are reading this
they will speak on it. Anytime he and a creator don’t mesh well or didnt click on a personal level--id they didnt want to be his bro, he will feel hurt and will suddenly no longer think that person was respectable/good. If you’re not kissing up to him or engaging with him, so he doesnt have to, then you arent worth talking to.
He finally had enough of stringing the relationship along when he realized that I was taking to social media to air out my frustrations, because he knew what he was doing was wrong and abusive, as so many people were able to help me see that. He finally let go when I blew up on him on discord and outlined every little thing he did that was abusive and harmful. It was all kinds of messy, but he eventually said he wanted to be friends still, because “he never throws anyone out of his life”. This felt impossible because during this period, he continually played with my emotions more, made out with me and kicked me out of his car (which is a story he conveniently left out to friends until they found out and asked him), and would barely reach out to me yet guilted me when i questioned whether he actually wanted to be friends. When I finally came to fully accepted that it would only ever be friendly and not lead to anything more (because i was in serious denial and still hung onto the idea of us because he kept saying “anything is possible, im not closing that line entirely”, on top of telling my friend he wanted to at some point make things work but needed more time when she confronted him) he increasingly treated me like I wasn’t even worth that, and went as far as comparing me to his new friends telling me how much they love certain things and how “I was never into any of that stuff”. Interests we had in common that he once before said is what made him like me, he was now saying he found in other people and that I didn’t actually like that stuff (basically gatekeeping me over something ridiculous). He began to refer to me with even less of a filter and admitted that by me hanging around, including a few other friends he decided he wanted to dump, we were “ruining a good thing he has going” with people he traded up for :/
Near the end, when we were still on speaking terms, I was for a few days bombarded with a series of fucked up, inappropriate and lewd comments on a few of my videos. Some of the comments were creepy, some of them were guys saying “if X cant treat you right, I can <3” etc. Some of them just flat out said "bitch". This wasnt something i was use to as i dont regularly get comments of that fashion, so i knew it had something to do with him. When I confronted him, he said “I don’t control what my fans do”. Told me to "fuck off" and that he was just being honest with his fans, people he told me that he actively tried to keep a distance from, he was now airing stuff out to them in a way that had them flood my comment section. He didnt give a shit. Yet, I can’t even vague tweet about abuse in general without getting a notification that one of his friends irl that I met maybe twice, are now following me and relaying information back to him. He wants me to not talk about it because he knows that if people knew exactly what he was doing then he wouldn’t be able to use others in the way he does. He said, “She can say whatever she wants, as long as she doesn’t name me”. It’s disgusting.
A lot of fighting and high emotions took place after the break up, because he would say he wanted me around but would ignore me for weeks on end. And if i brought this up it would lead to more fighting followed by him pushing back times we were suppose to meet. I got sick of it, i didnt even feel like a friend at that point, and I started realizing that he was only keeping me in his life so not to look suspicious to the mutual YouTubers that followed us. If he could get me to not speak and pretend like everything was fine, then he’d be in the clear.
After hearing him tell me he has no feelings for me whatsoever, I had asked if we could meet up, exchange belongings I felt like I put a lot of love into, and just move on with our lives. I had given him back a few things that he took, and the only thing i asked for back was a painting i had done. his immediate response was “Fuck off, its mine. I’d rather throw that stuff out than give it back” He told me I was responsible for his newfound mental health issues, even though he had admitted to me early in the relationship that he had these issues before I came along. Something his ex had confronted him with. He is holding on to the stuff I asked for to both hurt me and gain sympathy from friends. When his friends asked him why he still has my stuff but has it tucked away in a bag in his closet, his response was “It’s too painful to look at”. This is literally all a game, and I’m tired of being in a situation where I feel like I’m alone and unable to heal.
TW: Explicit mention of sexual assault
The worst of it all, which I can’t get over in my mind, is the night I got drunk and he took advantage of my body, and had the nerve to guilt me into apologizing for sex I didn’t even know I had. After everything between us went south, in the process of trying to heal, I’m now realizing that I was so fixated on this moment between us for a lot of the relationship, because of how it all went down. And the fact that anytime I’d bring up that night, the conversation would get shut down. We went to a party, and I got way drunker than I had expected to get that night. He was really angry with me, because he is not much of a party-goer or drinker. Even the following day, his friend had reached out to me to apologize for my then boyfriend being “mean to me” in their own words. I’m not much of a drinker either but I’m very much a lightweight, so it really doesn’t take all that much for me to get drunk. Near the end of the party however, I was totally gone. I’m embarrassed to say, I didn’t expect to be stumbling all over the place like i was, and i kept apologizing even in my drunken state. I don’t remember anything about the car ride home and when he took me back to his place I blacked out. When I became fully aware of my surroundings it may have been around 4 am or later. I remember I had to pee really bad. But in my mind, the party had just ended and I woke up on the bed in the dark, unsure if he was awake at first, and said to him “I don’t think your friend Laura (fake name) likes me, she was very cold to me at the party”. This was something I noticed sober, and when I began to drink, i still had this thought in my mind and had planned to discuss it once we got home.
What immediately followed was him aggressively saying “I’ve known Laura for years, go to sleep, you’re just trying to start trouble and make issues like you always do” That led to a heated, still semi drunk argument where all he did was blame me for the issues in his life, tell me that I’m making up stuff about his friends, and breaking friendships he has with other creators (one creator specifically he said he didn’t like, was fake, only cared about numbers, and had boring content), somehow I was responsible for that even though he had expressed that he disliked him way before he met me. This argument made me not want to be around him so I left the room and slept on the floor. A few months after that incident, Laura’s boyfriend randomly told my ex “Hey uhh I don’t think we can come to this party. Laura doesn’t like Raven.” Why? He chalked it up to jealousy. When I asked why he told me “I don’t know, my friend wasn’t making sense and said it was a stupid reason about my other ex”, even though I had only met this person once before that party. So a good part of me kind of wonders now if that was a person that my ex had triangulated me with too. But the point is, that was one of the worst arguments we ever had and it all stemmed from him refusing to believe me, something he did a lot. A few weeks after that fight, I was in his car and he said he had to talk to me about something important.
He said I made him feel uncomfortable sexually after the party when we were having sex. I broke down because up until that point, I wasn’t even aware he and I had sex that night. He told me once we got back, "i came onto him" and we slept together. He was not drunk. I had no recollection of that encounter with him, and when i called the domestic abuse hotline they said it sounded like i could have blacked out from a drug, and hearing the lady say that scared the absolute shit out of me. As he went through and listed the acts we engaged in I started crying, because I was not yet at a point with him trust wise, that I would have let him do those things. I told him it was embarrassing when he asked why I was crying.
He complained that I was “loud during the whole thing” “was asking him to do x and y which made him uncomfortable” and that he just wanted an apology for my behaviour because he didn’t like seeing me like that. As if I was the town drunkard and had a massive drinking problem. As someone who rarely drinks alcohol he managed to plant that thought in my mind. So I basically apologized for being unable to consent, and being drunk during sex. I didn’t know what to say after that.He shamed me for something I was saying to him in the bedroom and things we did and made me feel like a freak. I finally was able to say “.....you werent drunk though, I didn’t consent to that” and he began to frown and he paused and said something along the lines of “I hope you’re not trying to accuse me of something, you know I’m not like that”. His response to what I was saying, made me feel horrible for even going there. So I dropped it and stopped talking about it. The next time we engaged in sex, he asked me to do the same acts that he made me apologize for when I was drunk. The same acts he said made him wildly uncomfortable. As if he didn’t act like a victim earlier. How does that make sense?
He very often preaches about how having sex with someone who is overly inebriated is flat out wrong. And that during a smash party he went to, he tried his hardest to watch over a young girl who was drunk and also at the party. He always boasted about this story and other people i have spoken to about this have heard it before as well. He painted all of the guys there like they were predators, and like he was some white knight saviour watching over her to make sure she didn’t get into trouble. (I should not be surprised now that he had so many negative things to say about her new boyfriend) I had spoken with someone who was at that party and apparently he never watched over her at all in the way he describes. He knows what he did to me was wrong and that’s why he refuses to acknowledge or talk about it. It’s just easier to make me apologize and feel like I’m wrong, and make me look crazy to his friends.
And the very first month I met him, another female content creator that i have a lot of respect for, reached out to me to let me know that she had a very weird experience with him that left a bad taste in her mouth and made her weary. I feel I should have listened to her the moment stuff felt off with him, but at the time, i didnt know her well and thought that he had good character. Again, if she sees this, I hope she can speak on it.
To be perfectly honest, I don’t care if you know who this is about. I don’t care if you hate me after reading this and want to avoid me as much as possible. Unfollow me, or unsub. Do that. Because if that is your reaction to my experience, then you aren’t the company I want in my life. What happened to me was really fucked up, and he got away with it completely free of guilt, because everyone sees him online as someone who isn’t harmful, and someone who is just down for video games and someone who isn’t a threat. And while I am trying to move on, the healing process I am undergoing with my therapist, and EVERYTHING as of late, has made me reach down and really look at this situation for what it was. It’s fucking triggering remembering that I apologized for sex I wasn’t even aware I was having. I was constantly told I was the toxic one, because I was reactive to a lot of the covert abuse that was happening, so I told myself everything he was saying was right. I constantly fell in and out of seeing the manipulation, to wearing blinders.
It is very easy for this man to discard people when they are no longer of use to him, because he doesnt see people in his life as people, and has an inability to make genuine interactions with others. I know that what I experienced was really fucking wrong and I just want that to be made right. I don’t really know how, to be honest, and I’m trying everyday to move past it. So many really wonderful opportunities have come up in my life, that I’ve been able to achieve through my own hard work, without his help, despite trying to take credit for any exposure I ever got. It is and will always only ever be about him and his career. And I don’t ever want anything to do with him after this experience. If you are his friend and doubt any of the shit I went through, you’re free to do that, but do not berate me for what the fuck I went through. Just leave me alone.
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Thats it, its done. If you dont want to believe me then you have no reason to. If you've been following me for months and actually witnessed the ups and downs i was having online, the video i posted etc, then you know deep down what was occurring. I am not here to convince people anymore, I just want to be free from this bullshit. None of this was addressed in his post, he simply gave quick apologies and then dove right into the issue of his fans and friends bothering me. Please just use your judgement here. Shit like this has to stop, and the sad reality is that this behaviour is immensely common not just in Hollywood folks, but in the gaming community, youtube community etc. I didn't use the ProJared situation as an excuse to come out. The timing for that was a surprise to everybody. But finding out that Jared wasnt who he said he was allowed me to really see the scope of how common this stuff is, and that we shouldn't be afraid to talk until it gets to that point. People being generally unkind, abusive problematic etc is more common than most people want to admit. Jared, pbat, Chaseface, Alex, and the LONG list of names other creators have shared with me who have probably not been revealed yet or may never be, I don't know if its the power a person has that leads them to manipulate others or if its just they were like this from before and the power makes it worse. But I'm sick of it.
I'm not gonna stop making stuff that makes me happy, i already did enough crying and sulking for the past couple of months, and no ones gonna stop me from living my life and speaking up when stuff is wrong. Save your hate comments, im not gonna be arguing with people i don't even know in the comment section anymore. I will just block, its as simple as that, because i don't owe a person anything if their immediate reaction is to hurl insults, send memes, or demand more screenshots even though i didnt see anyone asking him the same. :/ If you don't have anything productive to say i really don't wanna hear it. Put that energy somewhere else.
Thank you to anyone who's been supportive of me, whether it be the content i make or the shit thats been going on via twitter, and i apologize to anyone who followed recently and saw all this and was like "wait what the fuck??". This is being put to bed now.