Cheick's new Schmooveᴮᴸᴹ · @What_the_Cheick
18th May 2019 from TwitLonger
Who I am.
As a child I was abused by my brother's dad. I call him that instead of "my stepdad" because I don't want to have that connection with him. He always made me feel like I was being watched in my own home, he'd always tell me about how he was monitoring me and put these ideas in my head. Sometimes he 𝘸𝘢𝘴 watching. So thought he always was. I was young and naive and he took advantage of that. I was terrified of him. He would get angry at the smallest of things, but I just tried to accept it. His mood could flip from cheery and smily to full on rage at any moment. I was always scared that any small slip up I made would set him off. Sometimes he would get violent. He's smashed games consoles I owned over small things like him assuming I was lying about something because I didn't understand what he said.. Sometimes he would get violent with me over small mistakes. I'm autistic and I have a really bad memory, so of course I made a lot of mistakes. He was intense. The first time he hurt me I forgot to give a letter into school so he slapped me across the face and started kicking me on the floor. One time he tried to land a full on kick in my face and laughed about it after. One time a light bulb went and because he was so confident that I did it he whacked me so hard that I was bleeding from my nose and mouth. I used to hide in the school library so that he'd have left for his night shift before I got home. Sometimes I would have to hide outside since the library closed. There have been times where I stood in the pouring rain for hours just to avoid him. There were so many small things he'd get upset at, but most notably, he was also emotionally abusive. He'd always belittle me and everything I did. All this just adds up to how I feel about myself. I have anxiety, depression, I hate myself and all the things I do all because of what he did to me. I can rarely be happy with myself, there's always a voice in my head tearing me down. I try to please everyone and prevent them from being mad at me, whilst assuming that every friend I have is sick of me and that I'm such an annoyance and the only reason they don't tell me to fuck off is because they're too nice to just get rid of me. Every person I talk to I feel like I'm burdening. And I've made so many cool friends over time, Mako, Dinkie, Joe, Caitlyn, Bloops and so many more that I want to talk to more but I'm so terrified of screwing up whilst thinking that everyone hates me anyway. My mind is a constant volley of emotions and at times it's just too much to take. And it's hurt people in the past and at times things become such a blur to me. I say to therapists and medical professionals that I tried to commit suicide 4 years ago but I don't even know if that's real anymore. So many things blur together and it's hard to interpret. All I can accurately remember is "the incident" where my brother's dad got drunk at my aunt's birthday party and tried to attack her.
I felt I should tell my story. Try to help people understand that part of me. Now for the other part.
I'm a creative person. I like to think that I might not be the most skilled, but I do have some good ideas and concepts and intentions. I want to be able to help people learn things and see things different. It's why I look up to and talk up Mako and Dinkie so often, I want to be able to do what they do. I want to be able to make a difference for people. I want everyone to be free to express who they are and be happy. I try my hardest to be kind and help out everyone I know. I want to teach, I want to inspire. I know I'm no one special but I want to be able to help everyone else realise that they are. I dunno I'm rambling it's 4:19 now and my eyes are burning a little. Sorry