Looking for a new family.
I had a day off today and I had a lot of time to spend with myself and think about things, the word "why" specifically popped up a lot.
I remembered that a few weeks ago I was watching an old Orgless & Hungry VOD and I thought to myself "wow I was insane back then".
So I started asking myself why, why do I feel like I am not good now and why was I good and happy back then?
That's when I came across Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (which btw I had actually done a school project on last year which is crazy), I went through every stage of it trying to realize why I don't feel happy and competent today, and why I did back in Orgless.
I realized that the need I can't meet with Bermuda and that I did meet with Orgless is "belonging", belonging to a team and feeling like an accepted member of a team.
I felt that Orgless was my family, you can't change your family, and that's why I feel like I don't belong in Bermuda. I realized that when I was trying to improve in Bermuda I wasn't doing it for myself, I was simply doing it because I wanted to belong and be a part of the team, all I wanted was to not have the threat of getting replaced, that was my goal, to not be benched, and I think it's that because of that exact reason that I ended up getting myself benched.
I don't blame the team's staff or players, maybe it's my fault and my attitude is just wrong, maybe it's unfixable, maybe I will have to work to fix it, and maybe it will fix itself in the next team I find.
I know a lot of people will say this tweet is bad PR and that I have a bad attitude because everything I just described is a big part of being in a team especially in OWL where no team has a 6 man roster but I needed to write this down and if a team doesn't pick me up because of this tweet then so be it, my ultimate goal isn't to find a good team, it's to find myself, but in order to find myself I need to have all of my needs met, in Orgless I missed "self esteem" and in Bermuda I missed "belonging".
With that said I am now looking for team, I'm not in bad terms with any of the players and staff, hope each person on that team finds success and I don't regret my time there, it helped me learn a lot about myself and hopefully I can find a family.