Scion | Kyoto 🌻 · @KyotoSSB
20th Mar 2019 from TwitLonger
I’m not sure what else to say. Any advice and all support is appreciated.
I really don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m stuck in a slump and there’s no way out.
I picked up Smash again in August of 2018 after not playing for years, excluding casually once in a great while with friends in college. I used to be a competitive Brawl player and stopped playing in 2011. I had skipped out on the near entirety of Smash 4 due to Lucas’ initial absence; by the time he was introduced as DLC, I felt as though it was too late.
The news of Ultimate’s release is what prompted me to re-join the scene after all of these years away. I felt that now was a better time than ever, and was excited to reintroduce myself. I had my main to start and grow with and felt as though it was something that I could pick up on and catch up with at a good pace. That’s proving to be very difficult for me.
I feel like over the last few months, I’ve definitely been improving steadily. I’m getting to a point where I know what I need to improve on and /how/ to improve on it, but there’s one issue that’s holding me back from getting the results I want, and holding me back from the success I crave; my mindset.
No one ever said this would be easy. I’m not expecting results overnight. I’m not expecting to be a top level player 8 months after picking up nearly a decade from when I stopped. Hell, that’s not even what I want; I don’t want to be Nairo or Zero. My ultimate goal is to become a top Lucas, a legacy Lucas, and to push the meta for my character to its absolute limit. I promise I will not stop playing this character until it is his abilities holding me back, not the other way around.
I walk into every single match knowing that, win or lose, I’m going to walk away better than I came. I try to ask questions when faced with a matchup or situation I wasn’t sure how to handle, and I get friendlies in whenever I can before/after tournaments. I save replays, evaluate gameplay, and do what I can to learn from the mistakes I’ve made.
I know for a fact I’m more than capable of this goal. I’ve seen what I can do. So have others...but no matter what’s happened and how many successes I’ve had as well, I can’t seem to get over the mental block I have when faced with my opponent in a tournament setting. I shut down, stop performing. I SD. I make stupid mistakes I’d have never made otherwise. I make myself look like a fool and it’s embarrassing. I’ve been called free, casual, every name in the book, only for the same people to turn around and lose to me in friendlies/mms. I can do it. I know so. But I don’t know /how/ to break out of that mentality that I can’t.
I’m not afraid of losing. You can only start to win by losing, and I’m a firm believer that you can’t ever be good at this game without getting your ass handed to you dozens of times. It’s always going to happen, even the best players have bad days, and I acknowledge that. I think it’s just part of having anxiety in general that makes it so hard on me, and it breaks my heart to literally feel myself shutting down, giving up, the moment the match starts. My friends have pointed it out, that they can see the exact moment I give up and that it’s painful to see.
Frankly, I don’t know what to do. I have no idea where to go from here. Last night was miserable for me; I got seeded last out of 25 people and all I did was prove everyone right. They know I’m going to shut down and give up. I’ve already lost before my set even starts. I’m given as bait to higher seeds because I make myself such an easy target. Sometimes, to people I know for a fact I could defeat. The matches are close. I only lose to fear; fear that belongs to only myself. And it’s exhausting. I’m at a point now where I don’t know what to do next. I feel like my gameplay has hit a plateau, like I’m not improving anymore. Maybe I’m as good as I’m going to get. Maybe I’ll never get better from here, who knows?
It’s shameful. I’m ashamed of myself and I’m sorry for letting everyone down. That includes every opponent I’ve ever lost to out of genuine, pure unadulterated fear and anxiety that has built up. That includes every single friend that has played me and seen me succeed, SEEN the great things I am capable of. And that includes Lucas; the sole reason I keep playing this game, the character that has done so much for my life and brought me to so many wonderful friends and so much happiness.
I feel lost. I don’t know what this means for me. If I’ll keep pushing myself, or finally give up, I don’t know at this point. Maybe this isn’t meant for me. I have no idea, and I’m scared to find out.
I just don’t know what to do next.