My last top-level Tweet

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To whomever is reading this,

I’m sorry for doing this, but it was actually something that I could do of my own accord. I’m about to do what I have to do to take my own life. The method I chose is called VSED or Voluntary Stopping Eating and Drinking. I chose this because it was my only option in a facility like this. It will take 3-10+ days, so I’m not sure what day it’ll be. I mention some people in this note who had a dramatic impact on my life and I cared about very much. But, if you’re reading this, I cared about you in some way. Maybe you are a family member or friend, maybe you heard my Shoutcasting, watched my shows, we interacted on social media, you had a more personal impact in my life, or any combination of them. It may be something else entirely, I don’t know. The point is that I’ve taken my own life. Let me tell you why.

Those of you who knew me probably remember me as a very positive individual who could find the good in almost every situation. There was no good to be had here. While I wasn’t a saint, I tried to live a good and positive life. I also wanted to be good to everyone I met and do good things for people I cared about, even at my own expense. Sometimes. Not all the time, but most of the time. It also took a lot to get me mad or upset. Sometimes, I was also the voice of reason. Lots of people thought I was Mr. Optimistic, though I couldn’t be in this. I had been utterly and completely destroyed.

First and foremost, I lost nearly everything in my life. While I still had my family and friends (which is a lot more than some people have), I lost everything else. Most importantly, I lost my relationship with Amy. She still loves me and wanted to be my caretaker, but she couldn’t stay with me. She wants to live a life – and I certainly don’t blame her for her decisions, she’s still young – that I could no longer provide because of this stroke. Emotionally, I wanted to keep her, but everything that’s been done or that she’s doing means I couldn’t be with her, regardless. I am still, and always will be, madly in love with her. Let me just say that this is not her fault. She is going to be very upset by this and significantly discouraged it. Losing her may have been my catalyst, sure, but I have many reasons why I did this. Anyone who blames her is a horrible person and is completely disrespecting me and my memory. The only *person* who is at-fault is me because of this stroke, but even I didn’t blame myself for it. I don’t even know if I could have even left a medical facility, and neither did she. Don’t blame Amy. I don’t.

I also had my ability to speak snatched away from me, so I couldn’t live my dream of being a shoutcaster. I would have likely gone to the first season of the Rocket League Championship Series, so if there’s any silver lining to be had by this is that likely someone else got to go there and live their dream. I couldn’t cast, host my shows, make videos, or even stream anymore since I no longer had a voice. Since my right side was essentially paralyzed, I couldn’t do much else like play most games (including Rocket League), draw, write, or even walk. The RL community did a lot for me and donated a lot, but I couldn’t live in this life.

My right leg wasn’t just mostly paralyzed, but the thigh muscle was so contracted that I would need Botox shots in my leg and focused therapy to *maybe* have a chance to walk again (I would still have to heal to restore feeling to it.). Though I had these shots once before, I didn’t get any of the post-shot therapy when I needed it in Arizona. The entire year+ that I was in Arizona was pretty much a waste of time for my recovery, since the therapy I had gotten was undone by all the time I was just left lying due to a lack of insurance in AZ and not much from the CNAs. As much as I missed being home with my wife, I got to spend lots of time with Alan and Gerry, my in-laws; my outstanding Aunt Judi and her daughter, my amazing cousin Joyce. I was very lucky to grow closer to those family members.

Above all else, my mom did all she could to be by my side in Arizona and Rhode Island. I always considered myself extremely lucky to have been raised by her, no matter what. I know that my actions have broken her heart, but hopefully she and everyone who reads this will understand why I made this choice. Regardless of that, my mom was the best person I ever had the fortune of knowing. I can honestly say that any kindness I showed, any love that I had, and any smile on my face was because of how she raised me. Mom, while what I’ve done will make a lot of people sad, I’m especially sorry to do this to you. I know how important I was to you, but hopefully this note will shed a little light on how sad I was. This is why I didn’t redeem the big gift card or wanted a haircut. I don’t know where you learned to be a parent, but I was hoping to pass that on to my own kids someday. I never had the ability to do that. When you’re ready, you should still do the cane decorating business. You’re really good at it and I know how excited you are for it.

Also, when it comes to why, I couldn’t find a reason to fight. I would have had to do a lot of fighting. I would have had to fight to possibly make it out of a rehab facility and that’s *if* I healed enough that I wouldn’t need 24/7 medical care. I was absolutely terrified at the idea of never being able to leave a facility. I still had decades of life potentially left and I didn’t want to be in a ‘hospital’ any more than the nearly 2 years I was there. Just the thought of it was scary and I didn’t want to risk living it. If I managed to make it out of the hospital, I’d then have to fight to build a new life despite the fact that I spent my entire life crafting that which was taken from me. I couldn’t live my life the way I personally needed to. Also, I couldn’t live with this disability anymore. All the things I lost are things I need to have. I was sick of going to the bathroom in a diaper at my age.

One of the biggest reasons I wanted to be free of it all is that every waking moment was agony. In a place where pain medicine could not reach, it felt like a knife was being turned in the pit of my stomach all the time. I did so much to try and make a better future for Amy and I (a future that was gone) and to try and distract myself from the pain. The instant I stopped, however, it returned, just as full force as when it left. I tried to fill every second with something, but I couldn’t do it. I’m only human and I could only take so much. When nothing worked anymore, that’s when I took this action. Suffice it to say, I was in such severe pain, this is what I had to do. This was the only way I could escape everything. I know that a lot of people will be in pain from what I did, but this is something I truly felt I needed to do. I just couldn’t do this anymore. Literally could not. Every waking moment was literal torture. Amy tried so hard to get me help, but no professional was able to help me as much as I needed it.

Ali, thank you for everything you’ve done. You helped me through one of the most difficult times of my life (back then), took me around New York, and introduced me to the amazing Sunrise Mart and IPPUDO, and helped me find the perfect place to propose to Amy, not to mention our excellent photographer. While I could never again go to New York, there was a reason I called you my sister. We’ve always had fun together – including walking in Little Italy and singing Disney songs, visiting that ‘antique’ gaming store, and trying the different types of pizza. It took us into the night, but Central Park was perfect, and you made a great photographer. Not to mention the Scar Ali bits from the GKick podcast. I know I turned to you for help this time, but there was nothing to say.

Sarah, everything I told you was true, but my life was in shambles. One day at a time, yeah? I wanted to do this for a long time. Thanks for being my friend for so long. Thank you for all the trips into Boston or Quincy that I took. I’ll never forget brunch at ‘our’ restaurant. I never went there with anyone else. From A.C. Moore to now, it was really good to have you in my life.

Alan and Gerry, thank you for doing everything you did in Arizona and everything you did for us in Vegas. You did so much to make what was one of the most difficult parts of my life somewhat better. Everything you did was wonderful. I’m sorry everything ended this way. In retrospect, I wish the stroke had just killed me. You did so much for me and it was all for naught. If the stroke had just done me in, you wouldn’t have had to do the things you did, and I would have been spared this pain.

Steph and Ant, thanks for talking wrestling with me and everything else you did. Going to WrestleMania (and everything else) was an experience I’d have never forgotten. Having you two at my wedding was great and I did get to use that mug before my stroke. You helped me do Because Wrestling, you got that HBK recording when we were Bottom Line Live, and I’m glad you both work for Twitch now, since they were one of my favorite companies.

When it comes to the fight, I’ve been fighting against what this stroke did to me since I was conscious enough to do so. This stroke took everything from me, including Amy who was everything I ever wanted and needed in a partner. She was literally perfect for me. She couldn’t put her life on hold for me in the hopes that I might leave a place like this. I can’t even begin to tell you how much it hurt to still love her yet we couldn’t be together. The only one I wouldn’t have to explain this to is Amy, since she feels the same way I did. She could have a baby and another relationship to fall back on. I wouldn’t have anything. I don’t even know if I could have had children after this. Another dream I had which was shattered was to be a dad and I don’t know if I could have done that, which is one of the reasons Amy couldn’t stay with me. Though I hated that she fell for this guy who is giving her a baby and he’s basically just stepping into my life that I had to leave. At least, that’s what I felt.

Being forced to press the reset button on my entire life was not something I was p.repared to do. Also, it’s something I didn’t want to do. I made the choices in my life for a reason. That was the life I *wanted* to live. I wanted to be a caster for Rocket League. I wanted to be a loud and proud Avalanche and pro wrestling fan. I wanted to taste all the foods I could. I wanted to walk, hand-in-hand with Amy in New York and Las Vegas again. And most importantly, I wanted to be able to make a family and grow old with her. I could do none of those things. I missed being with Amy so much, but we could never be together again. That doesn’t mean to I would ever stop loving her. I may not believe in an afterlife – especially after all this – but I will never stop loving her, even when I’m gone.

I’ve never believed in a god. I wanted to, so I would have something again, but I was never remotely spiritual, and I never would be. As I watched my life crumble away in front of me and my body having betrayed me like this, it’s hard to believe that anything exists that would hurt me as much as this did. I also don’t believe in an afterlife. I’m certainly not saying you can’t believe, if you’re reading this and you do, I’m just explaining why I didn’t. If there is an afterlife, though, I will look for Amy. Someday. My reason for living was to learn and I’m about to learn something no one knows.

Another reason was that I grew to hate being disabled. Relying on other people for everything was awful. I couldn’t walk, talk, eat, or even literally go to the bathroom. I got over the shame, I just hated having use a diaper. Then, I got put into a room that was way too small for me and a roommate. Though he was rarely there during the day, I didn’t have a schedule and he didn’t have to get up if he didn’t want to. This was after several months between Coventry Center and even Orchard View Manor, where I didn’t have a roommate. Maybe I would have felt better if I didn’t feel shoehorned into that room. But no, this didn’t have anything to do with my decision.

With all of that, I had to go. I love you all.

Farewell,
Stephen Perry

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