trying to describe 2017 is much harder than i could have ever imagined

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​looking back at 2017, so much has happened. things i’m so grateful for, things i didn’t think were going to happen. things i wish didn’t happen. things that shouldn’t have happened.

here’s my 2017.

january.
in january, i went to my first event ever: the eleague major in atlanta. i was so excited, it’s such a great feeling to be a part of a crowd who all have the same love for cs:go as you do. cheering for a team i didn’t really know too well but i just had a feeling they were going to win. they did (i’m psychic, i know.) after the event i knew i wanted to go to the next one i knew of so right away i booked tickets for esl one ny and spent the whole rest of the year looking forward to it.

february.
i got really sick in february. i had mono and couldn’t do much. the little energy i had before being sick was drained even more. i slept. i cried from the pain in my throat. i missed a lot of school and had to make up work. my motivation was slowly deteriorating to the point where i genuinely just stopped caring about anything.

march.
the morning of my 18th birthday my mom told me that because of poor decisions i made a couple years ago i wasn’t her daughter anymore. she said i was a waste of money and a disappointment. that we were never going to be considered a family again. that she didn’t want to be.

she was still drunk from the night before and, later, felt guilty about what she said and splurged on a diamond necklace for me, making sure to tell me how much she spent when i knew she couldn’t afford it. “now i have $200 left for the rest of the month.” i was always a burden to her.

i got sick again (strep.) i missed more school again.

april.
in april i went to my first and last prom. (juniors and seniors were invited but i didn’t go junior year.) i never really made any friends in this school, or any school, because of how much i moved. i felt out of place with everyone dancing and hanging out with their friends and me just sitting at the table. i was even more upset because i had to wait so long for my pasta and then they took it away before i was done eating. i ended up leaving early and ubering home.

may.
in may, i barely graduated. remember all those days i missed? i never made up the work. i was always late. i started only going to school 2 or 3 times a week. i only stayed half of the day because i was going to therapy off campus and wouldn’t come back to school. i got people to write my essays for me because i just couldn’t. but i got my diploma. yay.

at the end of may i visited california for the first time and fell in love with the beach. it’s warm and sunny and every desire i had of moving there before visiting increased. i loved it.

june.
if i had to pick one thing i regret most about 2017 it’s everything patreon. as soon as i turned 18, i started setting it up and as soon as i graduated, i posted the page. i was overwhelmed by the promises i made and knew i couldn’t keep so i eventually just stopped.

in the middle of june, i participated in the out of the darkness walk for suicide prevention and walked over 16 miles. it was tiring and i was sore for days after but i felt like i actually accomplished something.

july.
something i never thought would ever happen to me, did. in july, i was sexually assaulted by someone who i thought cared about me. there’s not much else to tell, he got what he wanted and that’s all that mattered.

i have never felt more numb and more used than in that moment. i started drinking. a lot. i made myself sick. a lot.

august.
i started going to community college. i failed ap stats junior year of high school and was enrolled in a stats class at the college. i knew all the material already and it didn’t motivate me to do any of the work. i was also enrolled in an english class, a business class and an online public speaking class (doesn’t make sense.) i hated all of the classes and was becoming even more depressed the more i had to go.

september.
in september, all of my emotions were getting to me and gnawing at me. i was exhausted. i was frustrated. i was still hurt.

i knew i wasn’t going to get a good grade in any of the classes and wanted to drop out. i wanted it to be over and to have my free time back. my grandparents were telling me i had to go because everyone else my age was in school too so why should i do something else. i dropped out. i was still unstable.

i applied to get a gun permit because i couldn’t do it anymore. i was done. i decided that i was going to spend the money i had because there was no point in saving it. i was going to be dead before christmas so i didn’t have to buy anyone presents. i picked it up right before esl one ny, the event i had been looking forward to so much the whole year.

the event was boring, the after party wasn’t.

october. november. december.
i started streaming more often and regularly. it was a distraction and an escape, as it always has been. i wasn’t feeling as suicidal. it’s still constantly in the back of my mind, don’t get me wrong, but there’s no changing that. my community helps me get through the days one at a time. believe it or not, cs is therapeutic when you’re not a toxic pugger.

i am so grateful for the people i’ve met throughout this year and for the person i’ve met and got to know the past couple months. you all mean so much to me and i wanted to share how much of an impact you guys have on me. i’m not really good at expressing my appreciation but please know that it’s there.

congrats! you’ve made it. thank you for taking the time to read my year. i hope the next one is better. i hope i get to see the year after that and then on.

happy new year ✨

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